Welcome home

Just caught a HK drama where a young doctor ask a senior surgeon why he is not nervous when in the surgeon room? Isn't he worried? Or what if he did something wrong? The senior surgeon who hadn't did a surgery since his ban, replied: " Just that the theatre as your home, would you be nervous at home? As you know all the stuff that is already around you"

This got me thinking about a phrase that Confucius had said before, which I had read somewhere which goes: " The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home" And it is pretty true, by cultivating a home where you are meticulous, and make it clean and you are at peace with yourself. Only den you will have a home. So, translate those procedures to other aspects of life and you will see the impact on them as well. Now, of cuz this is difficult to do but easy to say, and I think thats the problem with Confucius teachings...heck..actually its most teachings. Unless you are someone who is able to detached from the world totally and cultivate yourself well enough and be back again. But, this is increasingly difficult to do in the ever smaller world we are living in due to technologies.

So, " Welcome home". I would like to transpose this onto relationships as well, oks I don't really know about others or maybe the reason why I have been failing all this while might be due to me, when going after someone, always treat the person as if she is mine already and that I always dote on her etc etc. And I tend to get jealous,annoyed and of cuz expectations of that someone. Eventually, I feel that I always ended up hurting the most. So that's why though I had gone after quite a couple, but there are only a few which I ever open myself to them. For the current one, I never showed a side of me that I had reserved only for a selected few, so its not like All In, but she has seen a significant amount of the other masks that I possessed. The things that I will do and all sometimes I think might be excessively as well. But anws, the topic is not about why or how come I can never get the girl. Today, I just want to solve my own internal struggles, my home, which in other words is my heart.

There are a couple of times where she don't do something, or maybe she ain't like any normal girls because sometimes things she do and say, don't make sense. Sometimes her actions don't mirror her words, and vice-versa. And her heck care attitude every now and then, but at times, she seems to really care. Its really really very mind boggling and no less roller coaster ride. I tend to believe that everyone have a good character someone in them and they know what they are doing, but maybe I might be naive or whatsoever, so I am hoping that I am right and that I am not just getting played all this while which I highly doubt so, but...you never knw.

Maybe this person that I am interested in as a princess mentality, someone that knows how to receive from others but will have absolutely no idea on how to give. But, I do know that when she really wants to care about that person, she will show it. Unfortunately for me, I was never on the receiving end of it.

People says that wooing her after 4 months ain't long, others tell me that there is no hope, some says you just have to do it already. To put it honestly, I never ever woo someone for this long, I can like someone for 3 years but not woo someone. Sometimes I feel that maybe all along we are not meant to be together, because of our many differences unlike others which I can click very well and really comfortable with each other. However, I have no idea why but I am attracted to her. Of course, attraction can only get you so far, but what counts is the character and all. Yet for every bad things she do indirectly/directly to me, as long as she shows a small concern directly/indirectly, I will be oks again. Lousy returns..haha

Hence, home aka my heart. I have to more meticulous and clean up the untidiness of it. Sort things out, come to a conclusion whether should I just all in, play a slow game or just fold. However, I don't think I will play a slow game...time is of pressing need for me. My CFA is coming up in 2 months. So den, I have to make my decision soon. At the same time, I also need to do some provision for my negative feelings, negativity...the source of evil in my life. I have tried hard to tone it down and suppressed it, but at times it will just erupt. So I will have to be continue to be positive and dream, and be a little realistic about things. Believe in that person , trust in that person. If ever that trust is broken, then least you know more about that someone. Of course it is not so easy, considering you dont really knw that person well enough, and things could always change. But, well just have to believe. Sometimes, thats all you can do, pray,believe that they will come back. If they don't, den we will just have to accept it..and thats life. There will always be other people whom you meet and be able to trust and will build lasting relationships.