The next phase begins

Took the leap of faith. And, I think I just barely made it over. Come to think of it, I made rather a lot of compromises. But, I need to at least tie her down first and luckily I did as well. Because she told me another guy was lurking in the corner. Took me about an hr to convince her. Coupled with a bear and all...eventually I didn't set out what I had in mind to do. I had think about my speeches, what I am going to say all over again and again. I Seriously have planned a lot of speeches. But in the end, I did the one that I am most comfortable with. Just tell her what I felt. I brought her to a place where I always emo and all. I said that this place is a place where I made important decisions in life and commitments. Hence, today there is an important task for me to do. Told her straight, I asked her do you knw what I am going to say?, she just kept quiet. I told her that I won't ask her to be my gf. neither will I ask her to let me be her bf. I told her " Lets be a couple". Said that I believe r/s is always 2 persons thingy and that it is never a one way thing, so rather than I belong to you or vice versa, lets be together.

She asked me whether I think that we know each other well and whether why I think now its the right time. She asked me whether I am the kind of da nan ren and all. She also kept emphasising that she is afraid that she won't be able to live up to my expectations. Then I told her about our progress in our r/s, how we adjust to each other and how slowly she opens up to me. How much I appreciate that and I explain to her that there is no right time. The reason I chose today besides mid autumn but also my CFA exams which is coming soon. I told her that I want to grab her now and not drag any further. Only I realised that I made the right decision in getting a huggable bear for her, because she was so stressed/shy that she kept hugging the bear throughout. The negotiations went on for 45 mins. In a nutshell, she has no questions about me and that she trusts me. But rather, she is unsure about her feelings, she is scared,confused and worries about the future should anything happened to us. As I held her hand, I told her that moment she let me hold her hand, there is at least some kind of interest, told her to not think so much and she laughed as it is coming from me( a person who think a lot ). Really, I kept pushing her, in a way selling to her why we should be together. Machiam insurance agent..ha

Waiting for her answer was really heart stopping, eventually she never really say yes nor nodded her head. I pushed the bear aside and grabbed both her hands and look at her. Thats when she said about someone else also trying to get closer to her. And she says she hate to be the bad guy and ask why guys want something more from her and can't platonic friendship exists. Thats when I knew it was a yes

Really I pulled out all my arsenal, empty all my possible assets or intangibles I have to convince her. From talks of probation periods to trying out phases. Basically, I really all in, told her that if she wants to leave anytime, she can leave and I will just readjust to being friends. And she tells me to not expect so much from her and says that she can be more insensitive and all. I agreed to her for us to keep this relationship private with as few people know as possible. She says that all these arrangement will be super unfair to me, because she cannot fully commit herself to be with me. And that she there will be times where she may treat me badly by being insensitive and all. 

Told her to not think so much and just believe in me, take the leap with me. Like Bungee. I told her that I won't expect a sudden increase of showing of affection and all but lets just be at least incremental. Explained to her my view on expectations. She asked me what I expect from her. I asked what she expect from me. Only after she named her conditions, den I laid down mine. I told her at least contact me within 24 hrs, talk and communicate more to me and just treat me with respect and not like dont care about me kind of thing. Explained to her that I knew what I signed up for the moment I decided to confess, I knew that she couldn't decide whether to be with me or not, she has her insecurities. I told her to trust me as she has always been, and I will take care of the insecurities for her. If eventually I couldn't, at the very least we tried. And if we ever split, I will make things less painful for her.  

She also asked me what I like about her and all, told her its her eyes, shyness and smile. Oks it sounds damn jia..but hey thats what I really like. And she was really all shy about it. I kept holding her hand and asked her for an answer, looking into her eyes and all. Trying very hard to play up my good points as well as giving my words to various conditions. From being private about this r/s to giving her my word that if ever she one day may want to leave this trial period, we will revert back to friends once I emo over. Also, she say don't expect so much from her and in a way, I have to wait for her so that she can be clear of her heart. Apparently, she is still trying to forget someone and lately there is some progress in forgetting him. So I have to give her time to forget, in a way, my work is far from over. And I really need to keep trying hard to make her stay with me. 

The first time we held hands was kinda awkward as well..cuz she held out her hand the wrong way, and for me, I think it was first time for me to hold someone hand for so long, that I have a bit of sweaty palms...so all in all, it was rather funny and awkward. 

However, I think I made her think too much and she wasn't feeling very well as well, so the train ride was pretty quiet along the way..though I did grab her hand midway as I wanted to be rmbr what I had promised her earlier and I think I am the more insecure one. Well cuz I stand to lose more than her in a certain sense. Like what we agreed, there is no right or wrong in a r/s. Sent her atw back to her house, jokingly says thats all? On a serious note, I apologised for making her think a lot and all, but I really needed to know an answer, told her that this journey we are embarking together will be a fun one. And that as usual, I will msg her in the morning like normal. She just say nights and went in. I guess she really thought a lot and is pretty much confused.