Baring Ourselves

Yesterday after work, went for a Korean BBQ with Tracy and JianYang. Was kinda a bit of a dull session with tracy already eaten her fill and jy also ate quite a bit. And found out that the reason why Tracy ignore our group chat for a week or so. Just realised that it was Ben's fault of trolling her too much. And she was pissed off. I checked with her to see how she was, and she asked me what's the probability that anyone of us pissed her off, I was like....NAhhh...pretty impossible..ROFL. How wrong I was. But, sometimes we do troll her too much. But oh wells, let bygones be bygones bah. haha

So after the dinner, we went and just roam around, bought bubble tea and ended up having our first HTHT with Tracy. Which is by far...pretty difficult to begin with...lol..Maybe because both JY and me are very easily able to express ourselves whereas Tracy is the more not so deep kind? So a lot of stuff that we discussed, she never really thought of it in depth.

To get the ball rolling, both JY and me decided to say about each of us. JY started saying off by that how focus I am as a person, and he felt pressurised and stress sometimes with me around. I was pretty shocked to hear the truth, I mean I know we both are pretty different, but I didn't expect my willingness to fight for things is at times pressuring him in a way. For some reason though, when he said I was focus as an individual, my initial reaction was that I am not so much like in the past anymore. And then the next feeling came up, was that of " Yeah. Thats me, I am always fighting , I hate to be stagnant". I thought back throughout my years. I wasn't much of a fighter until I met Samantha and in the Army. I was basically a floater. However, in Army, especially BMT, when I am away from the comforts of life and subjected to humiliation by the Specs, 6 days in the Jungle and the spooky happenings, something just changed in my mind. And then when in 39th SCE, given PS harsh trainings, almost everyday was just to survive. Nothing else, pure survival. And either you survive or you fall and in the end, risk singled out by your superiors.

Ever since then, I hate losing to circumstances. I know there will always be better,faster competitors out there and I don't mind losing. Even if its Pride at stake, I am not that kind of person. However, I do feel that I will be absolutely damned if I bow out without giving a fight due to circumstances or if I can still make something work out. If I gave everything, and yet I still KO, so be it, then I KO with no regrets.

Second thing that JY said was that I always seem to be afraid of being lonely. And that I am always craving for company. In a way, he is very true. I am a somewhat insecure person, someone that always want friends to be around. I am afraid of being alone. I don't like to be without friends, without companionship...I like games when friends are actively playing together. Hence, I don't like those solo games. And that's something that I realise something myself as well. I am afraid of being alone in this world, when friends are all married and have family commitments and I don't have anyone around me. Maybe that's the thing I missed most from being with Adeline, not that she is with me, but the fact that there is still someone there though she dont give me the feeling of that. Maybe thats also the same reason why I can't stand the idea of being alone. I am not at peace with myself, expecting myself to be at a certain place in life, but currently I am not.

I think thats something I need to work out more often. To watch what my thoughts are, and to rediscover the fighter in me.