After months of being stuck in a rut, I have not rid of all the shackles. I feel that I am moving forward, though its still really pretty small steps. There will be days where I will still blamed others for the loneliness and the fact that life feels pretty routine. Days where I feel that why things don't always turn out the way I want. However, there are days, where I can still smile and tell the world that all of us are where we have to be at any given point of time. Days where I am contented being wherever I am at, being at home. These days, I don't really want to stay at home for I feel that I am easily emotionally stirred at home and that I want to be out doing things that make me feel that my weekends are fully utilised. Mum always says I go out so much more these days after I found this more stable job. Which is true to some extent, maybe because I do not want to feel alone.
These days, every morning, especially the first 2 weeks of work, I always message people during morning so that I won't feel bored on the train ride to work. I wonder whether its my way of feeling that I have people around me. I don't used to be like this, after Adeline, I suddenly in need of attention and my friends around me. Its not a really good thing I guess, but I am working away from it. I am trying to be comfortable around myself and only myself. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself again so to..well..live a life that is pretty zai, to be up there...to be this or that. To have this or that, to have someone etc etc.
I guess I have to learn on how to let go of certain things and yet find something or a belief, to live my life. Maybe the answer I had always known it...its just whether I want to face it or not.
I am never one for what society tells me, I do things that I feel I should. If I had gotten a job just so to have a job, then I would have already took the Maybank dealer job a couple of months back. I still feel strongly for job satisfaction and the feeling that a job is not stagnant. Ytd, LY and Kel were like saying that a job is still a job, its just a means of earning money so to survive in this world. However, deep down, I feel that life shouldn't be like that. Work is going to take up a lot of time in one's life, assuming we live till 100, and we start work from 25 only to retire at 62. Which gives us about 37 years. Lets take into factor sleep, on average we will sleep away 33% of our lives. So out of our remaining working hours, we will be working for about a whooping 55% of it. And I believe that for one to excel, to feel some sense of accomplishment, one have to be able identify and like the job that one does. That's my personal belief.
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