Hidden Beneath

Actually, I had typed out a half written entry yesterday, however, I left it unwritten because of lack of time and I had thought that Blogger would actually saved it as draft. So, I mistakenly turned my laptop off. Only to realise it just, that it was not saved. Thinking back, in a way, it won't be a good post I guess...as the current post is more of a stable version and current thoughts that I have now. The previous one maybe its more of a forced kind? Everything happens for a reason. Ha

Well, today started on watching "V for Vendetta" for the first time, I know ...its a bit late...considering the film was out a couple of years ago liao. Its a good movie, I like these kind of thinking movie. And the British English that was used, somehow made it felt more intellectual. It touches a lot on oppression and the idea of Fascism. I will not touch on social order or politics here, but what kinda struck me was the idea of fear.

Actually, I had a lot of ideas that just suddenly burst out in my mind...oks not really ideas but more of thoughts and perspectives. Alright, now back to the notion of fear. So, I started thinking, was I afraid and that eventually it leads to me being an emotionally charged person, a guy with many images, a guy that somehow want to portray a particular image?  Which results in me being not at peace, feeling that I am lacking something in my life.

In all actuality, my handlings with Adeline, after I decided that we will kinda stop contacting each other for some time, was not very well handled, I think. Deep down, I still blame her for everything that had happened. Yet, at the same time, I can't seem to let go of her from my life. Or rather, the girl that I held on to so much. Sometimes, I will have negative thoughts, and then I will reply in a curt manner. I will post negative tweets knowing that she will read it. I hate myself for still wanting her yet at the same time I want her to disappear from my life. So, I dig deeper.

I was not happy when I was with her, I knew that...all along. However, I didn't want to acknowledge that. I ran away because I want to believe that there is someone, her, that when together, we could have a future. So, I kept the good memories and the things we done together. Then, when things began to show, when she kept her distance from me, I began to get angry and blame her for it. I wore a mask when I am with her, I showed another image to some friends of mine when on the topic, sometimes I didn't even want to talk to about it. However, whenever I am alone, she will come floating back in my mind. Regrets, Guilt, Anger, Pride, Helplessness, Sadness and Loneliness all locked target and fired at me at once. Luckily, all these don't happened in a day, its just at different intervals or during different incidents. I still feel bad about things I had said. Words are dangerous tools, it can bring anyone to the skies and yet it can drag anyone down all the way to the centre of hell.

Today, I understand that it was fear, the fear that I will be all alone, with no one around me. Its this fear that drives me to hang on to her. Fear of the truth is she never truly love me as much as I do. Fear that I will never find anyone. Fear that I cannot handle the fact that she is with someone else. And because of these fears, I linked all the negative thoughts to her, because of these fears, I blamed her for the pain she had caused to my life. Because of these fears, I refused to let her go even after the signs were there. Because of these fears, I drove myself to the very edge. The fear that prevents me from seeing her as a friend. I do not know whether its possible for us to remain friends, I believe that we can remain on talking terms, but anything else, I think...might really leave it up to fate. Because, we have little in common.

And because of all these, I can never be myself. I felt that I am in disequilibrium or what sorts. I felt that my life is wrong, I felt lost and I turned to other things to relieve me of those feelings. Basically, I felt something was missing and I kept searching for it.

Interestingly, I don't expect myself to be anyone else anymore, yet at the same time, I can feel that something in me had changed. I don't feel like myself a year ago anymore. I felt stronger, felt more alive yet at the same time, I seemed to have changed and be more in control. For some reason, I felt that there are things which I am not afraid or when some things happen, I am not in panic mode nor depressed mode. With that, I became more authoritative as well, if I insist on something and if its something I feel strongly, I will still insist on it. For people who knew me for some time, I think they will feel that I am very chill and that usually its more of what they wants, rather then what I want. These days, I began to stamp a little of my authority on things.

And as I finally acknowledges these fears. I feel a lot more lighter now. I am myself, I cannot alter things that had already happened, all  I can do, is to be myself. To be true in everything I do. To let go. Finally, to have faith...and beliefs.