Mind Blast

Sitting on the bus today, as the sky rolls by and then the habitual action of picking up the phone to play Pokémon Go starts again. It actually got me thinking. Is there a need to spin those poke stops? Is there a need to rush to catch these Pokémon? What is the objective of this game? A higher CP? A rarer Pokémon? And due to the consistent reading of self-help books on dreams and all, the common phrase stands out.

“Is this worth your time at all? Isn’t there any other things you could be better off doing?”

Staring out of the window, and appreciating the fact that nature is beautiful no matter where we are. The skies will be the same out for at least a couple of miles; the stars have always been there. Being grateful for the fact that nature is still beautiful and all around us.
Thought of Joseph Schooling, the story and his triumph. And the quote “Be Like Schooling” came to mind. The desire to win, to succeed and the chance to duel with his childhood idol. His dreams. My dreams. What am I doing for my dreams? What are my dreams?

“I wanna be the very best. Like no one ever was”

Due to the habitual catching of Pokémon, the above quote popped out in my head. There were some smaller goals that popped in my mind recently. It’s like reduce weight until 74kg. Be a more successful investor. Change of job. At the end of the day, I feel that I keep going back to these thoughts. Have I psycho myself so much that I keep thinking of these only? Or is these what I really want for my dreams? Another way of thought is that these are the steps that I need to take to achieve these dreams.

“I have no idea what I was supposed to do during my 20s. I only got a clearer picture after 30 and after setting up Alibaba”~~ Jack Ma

Happened to watch a short part of a Jack Ma’s interview, and this phrase which he said, stood out for me. I guess most people do not have a very clear idea what they should do, or what are their dreams ah. Don’t get me wrong, I have known friends and other humans who have known what they want. However, for people like me, I would guess I do not really have a clue. My goals just kind of change every time. At 21, I wanted to graduate with 1st class honors. I got a 2nd Upper instead at 25 years old. At 25, I very much want to enter to a Bank. Went thru 15 interviews and landed up in BNP WM Back office. After that, I don’t really have much else to fight for already. Drawing a basic salary of 2.6k take home and all, going for an annual trip overseas, saving for wedding and house in life.  I pretty much thought I will be a much improved investor but I think still quite far away.

“What you think is what you get”

So, after reading tons of positive thinking books like SECRET and all, this phrase kept popping in my mind. So it goes that what ones think during the day, it shall be brought to life from the Universe. If you keep thinking negatively, your life in the future will be negative too. It’s all about how one’s maintain the positive-ness and yet do something to make it happen. 

“Just Do It”

Which brings me to this famous quote under NIKE? Just do it, don’t think. I guess I have been pretty much plagued by this for most of my life on this planet. As I will ask about the end goal, and always contests whether is it worth it or not.  Think a lot, but never actually do it. I guess Army kind of took that worrying part of me away, cuz I don’t really have a say anyways. It’s just do it, and that’s why I can achieve an IPPT-Silver in my life. That’s when I lost the most weight. In a way, I managed to get over Samantha pretty much by then. If I take it a step further, most of my significant achievements are those that I just dug deep and pretty much keep working at it. Don’t have the time to worry whether it’s the right thing to do or not? Don’t have to think whether this is worth my time or not? Just do it.

After 48 hours

After the argument I had with a senior HK MA on monday, for some reason, I had not been a peace with myself. Initially, I had thought that it most probably the ego that was bruised or smthg. Otw back, decided to stop at the industrial park and walk back. Manage to catch a pidgey thats all, thought I will be able to sort my thoughts through after the 15 min walk. However, my mind was not clouded with the incident, but rather more disturbed. I wanted to think about it, but it seems that my mind is blank and stagnant. Eventually, fought a nearby Gym and help establish it a bit before heading home. Went home and had dinner, then found out that my gym had been over threw by another gym which has pretty high CP pokemons. I felt an initial disgust and anger towards the incident.Still wondering whether my ego is still bruised. At night,decided to play MH with Ernest, GK and his sister. Still felt not at peace.

This morning thought of doing a pokewalk from my house to serangoon. Thought that the walk might clear my head. Well it did divert my attention from the niggling sense of negativity thoughts. However, it has not exactly brought the peace that I am after. Was it that because I am tired ?  As i slept at 2am the previous night and than I am out at 7.40am in the morning ?

After 48 hours , the conclusion? I think I need to sleep. k.thks.nitez

Difference between an educated and a learned person

Yesterday night, had drinks with the whisky club and Neo Kai Xian. KX was an ex-regular attached to platoon 6 back during my active days. My previous recollection of him was pretty slack and seemingly to be a hockian beng aka uncouth Sargent. And in a way, I felt he was not like the officers whom are more educated, just like an uneducated person. Gangsta is how I viewed him in the past.

Now he is a first sergeant of my reservist company and is currently my acting CSM since the original one was away on course. As a result, this ICT was pretty slack and all, and we all book out pretty early compared to other companies.

At Mikkeller with him yesterday, he reminded me of Wei Xiang. Seemingly, loud and gangsta kind, the way both seat and talks, exudes confidence in themselves or rather their belief about themselves. For some reason, the conversation went from his holidays in South America to about the systems that we had in Singapore. ie CPF, HDB and COE issues. Hearing him debate with Samuel about it, was pretty interesting and in a way, kind of open my mind about people and all. He was able to argued with Samuel, not with pure aggression and " in your face" manner,but with facts and numbers that were off his head as he had spoke with various people around the world. His structuring and thought construction was quite good as well. Definitely not what I had expected from an Hockian Beng, He was also able to brought out the purchasing power parity to effectively compare living costs between countries. Wonders did he do any university degree during his NS days or not.

From him, travelling really does open one's minds to the other problems of other citizens, their cultures, their way of life. Whether one day, I will have the courage and money to travel to such places and really interact with the locals, I am not sure. As I guess I am more of a budget/safe traveler currently.  Truth be told, I do not have a strong desire to travel to exotic places and put myself in dodgy situations. I prefer to have my own space and travel as and when and where I like.

To end it off, education can only bring one so far, travelling and actually experiencing life is what makes a learned person.

28 on 28 July 2016

Its the end of my 5th ICT, well not officially that is as we still have the cohesion tomorrow, Away from work or reality is really good. I met up with Samantha yesterday as well. It was always good to have a chat with Sam. Looking at  her Pregnant and all, her face gotten rounder. I keep thinking back about the time where she was at my place and we took that photo without specs. 10 years on, and we both were sitting St Marc's drinking Matcha tea. Me slouching in my chair and she trying to adjust her huge tummy. I wanted to take a selfie showing the situation. But somehow, pictures of us were somehow always few and little. So that didn't really work out...haha. Somehow, yesterday session, seems to be a lot of loud laughter and bit of nostalgia ( which is always the case) and... I am not sure how to put it in words. Looking at her and myself, I felt a strong surge of love , not that of Cat and me, but more of family. I think I had a post that talks about it, a few years ago. Family, familiar and warm. Like what Victor Frankl had said before, love is a great and purifying effect on person. Warmth, yes I think the word to use here should be Warmth. I felt kinda happy to know that she is well and looking forward to her kid, her new look on life I would say. Like what Pat said, Jovial.

It kinda soften the negative side of me which was allowed to spread pretty quickly in recent times. It always seems to be the elephant of the room, this negativity. I would usually termed it as reality. Its not like sam doesn't have them, she also worries a lot but she will act upon it. I just worry and worry. That's the difference. So I guess the warmth and family feeling that I felt kinda chase the dark clouds away from my mind. A lot of the clouds were probably seeded by myself, I was worried about not having enough money to take care of cat and build my own family. I want to kind of fulfill cat's dream of having a farm. Having read so many psychological and mental well being books, it is really all about the thoughts that you allow to creep into your mind that is causing the whole damage. Thinking back , even for things that happened before, it is also largely caused by my own negative thoughts. And it will have a subsequent ripple effects on the rest. Using snooker as an analogy, once the white ball hits the top of the pyramid, the force is transferred to the rest.

The next thought to have: I will be able to find a new job.

I don't really know when it will be, but I will have to keep trying. Time to return back to my old times of sending 100 resumes out and keeping an open mind of things. At the same time, continue my Coursera courses and just be positive at work. During those breaktimes, read up more on personal finance, articles and kindle books. Most importantly is to smile and be positive at work , I guess. To have faith, belief that everything will turn out right.

At the end of the day, I believe the most important thing is to believe. Believe that the world has great plans for each and every one of us. Believe that my plans will come to fruition. Believe that I am making progress. Believe that I can grow. Believe that I will able to see greater things further than the horizon. Believe.

These few days, while on the way to camp, I was constantly treated by beautiful clouds formation and sun rises. The place has never changed and the weather is still pretty much the same. Unlike in the past where I will lament on how could I ever missed them, I felt that I should be in the moment and soak in the beauty of nature. When I chose that thought, I felt free. Free from the chains of the negativity that has made me a prisoner of my thoughts. The world is truly a beautiful place. Even here in Singapore. When one is a prisoner of negative thoughts, no matter when he is, he will never be freed and will never be immersed in the beauty of the now.

So believe and smile, Eugene, Things will be better and nothing can stop you from achieving whatever you want to.

28 on 28 April 2016

Its my 28th year on this planet earth and here I am, sitting on a bar in Chye Seng Huat Hardware Coffee Shop. Waiting for my artisanal coffee being prepared by the barista at a corner. 28 years already.

It seems that I have lived a long time and that in my current state of some of my friends, they are already Dads and head of the family. Its like at 28 , we are expected to be matured and handle a lot of adult responsibilities. In actual fact, most of us , especially degree holders, we have only just entered the workforce a little more then 3 years ago. Seriously, I used to think that 30 years old is a pretty big number, its a number that one should be already married and that in a few years time, you are expected to be preparing to have a kid. And that Cat, recently, wanted to pursue Masters and a possibility that she might extend her stay in Ernst & Young, kind of alarm me. Marriage, wedding and stuff is at times to me, a bit of an obligation to my Grandparents. My Grandparents whom have been hoping to see their grandson start a family. To them, its like their wishes have been fulfilled. My Ah Gong, whom passed away earlier, did not get the chance to see Charmaine and Derek got married, to see his great-grandson. I know that Popo would want to see me get married too. And she is getting older too as well as my Gong-gong. 

However, I also know that I do not want to shortchange Cat's dreams as well. From a rational point of view, I am fully supportive of her dreams for a Masters. The young ones should not forsake their dreams for the older ones unless they are able to accommodate them. For her reason to possibly extend an additional year to get a better pay, I am not sure of that as her 1 year out of the workforce, will not be able to guarantee a similar pay scheme in the future. Of course, it will be higher then if she quit as plan. Additionally, I am also worried about the timeline for Cat to have kids. The golden period is from 30 to 40, and the nearer to 40, the more dangerous it is. In this aspect, I have to be the one to plan and accommodate these events that may/may not happen. Its a bit exciting and scary if you ask me. Don't get me started on housing as well. If we BTO as plan, then its another 5 years of waiting(Cat will be approximate 34). And logically, it will be more conducive to have kids if the place is ours, rather than a rented unit. So, if cat decides to extend an additional year, I might want to look at resale flats. Actually we should have look at it regardless of that decision. 

So, as you see, being 28 brings their own fair share of adult responsibilities. Having said that, for guys, its alright, I am just worried about Cat's health and also my grandparents wishes. Its a bit daunting and that being 28, its a bit unlike the ideal ' its my life, my own decisions' thought. Of course, its up to individual on how they want to live their life. Most importantly, its to live life happily and ensure that your partner is also happy. If cat decides to stay an additional year because of the exposure and the higher pay, and that she will regret in the future, I rather she just extend. That's my bottom line I guess. Like I said, the young ones should not sacrifice their dreams for the older ones. 

That's the responsibility portion of 28.

Now, every time I thought back, of the time where I just started working in BNP at age 25. Its only 3 years. Assuming that I will retire at age 64, I still have another 39 years of work in me. Of course, that's never my intention to retire so late. Hopefully, by 50, I am already a feet in retirement le. So, when you think about it, I am still quite young, I have many more years in me to play with. To achieve my goal of financial freedom. To be able to take on more risk. As much as I would love to be part of the hippie gang and travel round the world and all. Ultimately, the thing that riles me up is that I am able to create a portfolio, to be financially free, to be able to have passive income flowing in. If possible, the second stage I can be helping people and society. Its a bit like impact investing. That's something exciting to live for. 

My life has just started in that way. I think this is the ultimate direction I would want in life. I can scale back my travels for it, as much as i love travelling, I feel that this is more fulfilling. Its exciting just thinking about it. The road will be tough and as usual, my not so persistence self will set in and question my direction. All along I have not been able to find another direction yet, maybe this is not my ultimate goal in life, but its currently mine now. It has always been since I was 17 years old. 

Time to take back some control of my life. 28 and counting. Fight on Eugene, lets go to a better place. A place for you !!

To be free

Today, at work I happen to hit myself with another incident report again. And this time round, I can't really have any excuses for it. Eventually, I am also not really bothered by it either. Unlike the first time at equities or even at fund execution where I really panicked and emo about it. This time round I am more nonchalant about it. Rather, I just move on to the next thing that I had to do and all. Eventually, Kok Whee helped me to write it out, and I am once again lucky that my seniors always help me to type out incident reports and all.

However, it has dawn to me again that this is not where I should be. I think I have been pondering over such questions since I started to work in this bank. I kept asking such questions every so now and then. It feels like I do not below there, at the end of the day, I get a decent pay and very decent working hours. But somehow, this place does not seems right for me.

Everyday, I always ask myself, what's my goal?, whats my passion ? where to go ? what to do? It kind of dawn to me that , maybe just maybe, I should just put in the effort in the direction that somehow I had already set upon.

I will just have to proceed and continue my studies on fundamental analysis. I want to lose weight.I want to be financially free. Financially Free...Free

Old Friend

Hello my old friend.

It has been ages since I last wrote here. I started this blog as it was the in thing back in 2005. Little did I know it will aid me greatly in my mental health as a diary through out the years. As time passes, the objective for this blog was ever changing. It soon became a way for me to reach out to Samantha back in 2007 after I was rejected by her. Again as time passes, it became my treasure trove or pensieve for all my thoughts. Subsequently, the posts got lesser. As I grew older, the notion of blogging seems to be dwindling. Pig and Cat seems to have also stop blogging. These days, I don't think anyone comes by you anymore, even Samantha has stop blogging for awhile. I tried to switch back to another app called Journey, as it is more private.

However, I think you and me have some unfinished business, my friend. Do you want to know why I named you 'Imladris' ? Imladris is the sole haven for the wise and immortal elves living in Middle Earth. Its a haven for all living beings and mortals away from the weariness of the world. It is a place to rest,recharge and to seek counsel. And, my friend, you have been the Imladris of my life, I have rest, cry , smile and manage to find counsel in you. Your archives allowed me to time travel and reach back to the old me, me when I was young, more in tune with my intuition, at the same time, to see the youthful foolishness in my young self. I am already 27 going to 28, my old friend. it has been a decade since we came together. It feels long isn't ? Yet I feel young again, writing to you seems to have reverse time and that I have a good deal left in my finite lifetime.

There is another adventure awaiting us over the horizon, would you come with me on this journey, old friend ?

"“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.” 
―Bilbo Baggins, The Lord of the Rings