H.S.B.I.A

Ok before I start anything on this, I want to say is that this is not me emo-ing ah...its just something that I had found along the way...haha..Actually it's based on my past and a bit from the movies...please take it with a pinch of salt, for it might not applies to everyone out there. This is actually a pattern that I realise recently when one falls into a one-sided relationship or a relationship that fails....Oh and it's from a guy's perspective..like duh...lol

H=Happiness

This portion is the shortest in the entire process but the one that prolongs the pain as well as the only one that make someone hold on to the relationship as well.This is also the portion where it seems that both of you are made for each other, where everything in your world is only her.Everyday, you will only talk about her, think about her...waiting for the next outing with her and stuff like this. And your world is filled with colours, its a very beautiful time of your life.

S=Sadness

Then when the inevitable happens, the both of you are separated or not so close anymore. One becomes very sad, he still tries to convince himself that at least he can remain friends...actually he still hopes for a reconciliation. This is also the point of time, when the heart is feeling damn heart-wrenching...as if life is being taken out of oneself. Everyday, one will try to live life, try to move forward but in actual fact he is forever stuck there. He will waste everyday going through everything in his head, asking and trying to find where is the problem. He wants to see her...but is impossible. And the memories kept replaying,replaying,replaying and replaying over again. He cares not for his health, he just want her back...

B=Bitterness

After the long and constant replaying of memories in the guy's head, there are answers that need answering but often than not, the girl never turns up to answer that. It could be due to a lot of reasons that the guy at that point of time didn't know. No one explain to him, why it happens and stuff. Worse, the girl suddenly disappear entirely from the face of the earth. No return of sms, no return of calls...totally nothing. Then the guy, will feel like shit. Why on earth, doesn't she replys? Why are u doing this? Why are u torturing me? Can u stop avoiding me?..its just kept replaying and replaying..until it comes to a point where everything turns to bitterness. When one starts to hate the girl so much and yet he still loves her, and folks this is the most torturing thing in life. To love and hate someone is truly a painful thing and some might not be able to handle it and drove them mad and stuff. This is also the period, where people will tend to act irrationally only to regret later and pass on their unhappiness onto others.

I=Indifference

The guy will stand up one day, after the long periods of grieving and mourning...he can't be bothered by all of this already and will try to take his mind off such thoughts. He will turn to various ways of 'happiness' , like going back to chasing their dreams or take up a new hobby. This stage, it varies from individuals when they will reach here, some may be lucky and reach here fast...others may forever stuck in the B-sector and never climb out of it. Here, he will not want to have anything to do with the girl anymore and just want to get along with life. Most of the time, the guy will also say things like' I totally dont believe in love and relationships anymore' and all those kind of stuff. It can be seen that he doesn't want a repeat of another time of this.

A=Acceptance

This is the final stage. The day when the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train coming at you. This is when all the questions had been answered, or maybe he felt that its not worth knowing already. Its when somehow he learnt to let go, and that truly wish the other person well. There will definitely be some form of awkwardness as well as there might be still some heart-tugging emotions still there, but he is much more at peace with himself. He is able to move on and to look at the world with hopeful eyes again.

This are so far a process that I had realised and I think that people have to undergo this at least once in their lifetime. Somehow, this will always force them to grow and all, however its not the least easy. Its painful, time-consuming and energy sapping. There is also no fixed time period for this, it varies for different relationships.

When one is tired...everything thing seems to be wrong...and the anarchist will emerged.

Focus. Insecurities. Future.

Yesterday, my stats lecturer whom I think is quite zai compared to my other teachers, said something like this " No great man will ever talk about their achievements, only an insecure person will talk a lot about themselves". Then, he used our all time well-known LKY as an example. LKY got a lot of PHDs, numerous awards...but it wasn't usually highlighted by himself. Bill gates and warren buffett never talk about how many billions they have.

It causes me to think that...hmm...hey thats rather true. A person will only confide in another or stuff, because only when he/she is unsure(insecure) about the situation or event that is happening in their lives. I used to think that by opening up about a lot of things about oneself is the way to go because its the way to socialize around, cuz last time in JC there was a friend of mine that always goes around telling people about his stuff and somehow he seems to have a lot of friends. Well, being the young naive then, thought thats how I should be as well. But in the end, the introvert in me still wins to a certain extent and I never managed to open up as much as him but just enough to know more friends.

Then, I was thinking about myself that actually I had been a rather insecure person as well...its not entirely because of muddy but rather me as a whole. I don't know whether I make the right decision, the way I want to move forward, the current me...and stuffs like these. It just seems that I am totally afraid of the future and what it might bring, whether I can still be the same me as I grew up...and all those things lor. I had thought of lots of plans, but I am unsure/lazy to carry them out...I am afraid of giving up the other side of things yet I know that this the way to go...Conclusion of the story: I am going to work on focusing and staying true to what I believed no matter what the situation dictates.

Along the Bus 151 route

Today is the start of my stats 2 module and somehow the class got a little smaller liao, because I think majority only takes stats 1 lor. And today jian yang as usual pangseh me again...he just woke up at 8.30 lor...wth...lolz and he supposedly slep earlier as well...haha. Well, I sort of wander SIM for awhile before tottering to the bus stop to take a bus back to home. So as usual, I opened various boxes in my head and was going through the contents.

Next week is her birthday liao and I haven't got her a present yet...GG...lolz I think its going to be last minute as usual liao...haha. Anws I was just thinking back from all the way 2 years ago all the way to recently. And I sort of came to a realization that all along it has been in some way, a huge part of my fault in how things have turn out and everything. I think it all started from wanting to forget someone to having her as a substitute to being totally guilt ridden towards her for being such an idiot. In any case, I also never truly tried to understand her for who she was, with her eccentricities and stuff like that though I am sure at the beginning I did and only when my emotions/demons take over, thats where the suffering( in me ) begins. And my expectations of her only seems to exacerbate the situation worse.

To some of my friends, I always tell them about me being guilty to her about in some way, not treating her as a close friend but she always see me as one. initially, I was afraid of getting too close to her because I had thought that if too close, then we can't be together and stuff like that. As you can see, I am quite a complicated person ain't I?? haha...and I am more crazy to be analyzing my ownself....haha. but I think this part is just me lor, I am very fascinated by why some things turn out in such a way and I like to know why it happened. So sometimes when I see her, I don't know what to say to her and stuff, and I would prefer to avoid her. Today on the bus, I sort of remember this phrase from somewhere" one of the most important things in life is to learn to forgive yourself, with this one can move on"...And I finally accepted that. Don't ask me how, I just sort of finally see everything at the end of the tunnel liao...and I just felt happier or should I put it relieved?=)

One thing that I had learnt from this experience is that even though one may know the truth, but to know the exact purest truth is difficult. Take this exp for instance, at the start, at the middle and finally at the end, I always knew where the problem was, where is the epicentre...I had foresee it before hand, I put on my utmost cautious protective gears against it but in the end, I still fell prey to it. Hence, I came to a conclusion. Is that I was influenced by the then situation and thus even if I knew the problem, I will still commit the same mistake. And sometimes u need the courage and strength to go against your emotions and be rational in a lot of things.

Another thing would be that no process can be complete until one goes through all the stages of it. I always try to avoid mistakes in my entire life, hence thats why I always think in every possible scenarios, so that I would be ready for anything and that I won't make a mess out of it. Well, apparently some mistakes are there to be made, if not a conclusion cannot be reached.

Somehow, I think such things might and will repeat again...I mean no one is definitely sure that I won't make the same mistakes again as well as situations differs and same mistakes can be camouflaged in the backdrop. Well but after 21 years I think, everytime a chapter truly ends is only when acceptance is truly accepted by oneself regardless of how it ends, or how long it takes to end. =)

Just had a nice dream=)...wasn't as crazy as the rest...just a simple and nice one...but its just a dream...

Its a Story About Love...

Yesterday, went out with LY after lesson and we went to sakae and eat, bless those student meals=D...then after that went to watch this movie. (500) Days of Summer...it was recommend by my sis for being kinda artsy fartsy kind lo. And its really nice, I thoroughly enjoyed it because it sort of detailed it very well and maybe cuz the emotions one can relate easily and stuff like that. The camera takes and the style of presentation were good=). I wont really say about the whole story but there will be definitely some spoilers from me, so hope u all don't mind...haha. Like the previous post, I will be commenting on some certain parts of the show.

1) We, humans are always self-denial at 1st.

In the opening stages, when boy meets girl, he was like WOW. Then when she was indifferent to him when he is trying to get her attention, he will be like. " Oh, No she is not interested in me" or "who am i kidding? haha she likes me? yeah rite" Even when at times when the girl is kind of obvious, he will still be like"erm.....yeah we are friends". haha. I think many are guilty of that, so am I..haha.

2) We only remember the Happy times and forgot the bad times.

This was coined by the male lead's sister, ok its supposed to be a funny scene and stuff. Anws, this is very true, I think its very normal human nature to be only hear and remember the good stuff, who wants to get close to the bad things I life man? And thru all of this, it creates a false illusion for all of us and cause us to act in an unnatural way when things goes wrong.

3) We all became bitter after break-ups or due to some weird reasons.

The guy was very critical of the girl after she just suddenly left his life without saying anything much. He was like " i hate her smile, her eyes....blah blah" I think this is usually dealing with the reasons of some relationships without closure because one side never comes clean with the other after some time, after one side kept replaying all the times ( happy times oni, mind u) again and again....dunno about girls, but I think guys might be kinda stuck with that...I am a true test sample for this.

4) There is always a flipside to everything.

When someone just exits ur life, one will try to submerged oneself in other dreams or other hobbies that makes one feel happier or wad. In the show, the guy totally quit his job, cuz he is sick and tired with everything that goes with it and in the end went back to pursue his own dream of being an architect. He went back to studying his stuff and somehow also managed to meet someone new who is along the same wavelength as he is. Thats the flipside, people.

5) Somehow, there is a part that someone plays in everyone's life. Including yours.

Before the guy appears in the gal's life, she never believes in love, fate and blah blah. The guy challenged her belief in that, and even though they broke up in the end , somehow I think those words stuck with her and it allows her to meet her future husband and stuff like that. That day, I was invited to her birthday chalet, with this sentence that I pointed out. Maybe things didn't turn up well, or somehow the bond might have been lost but nonetheless, we are who we are because of all that connected with us. Some will stay by us for a long time, some just come and go, thats part and parcel of life .

6) Expectations and Reality.

I like this scene in the movie, when they split the screen into 2 and show what the guy is expecting and what is actually happening in reality. And when reality don't goes his way, he was brought down uber hard because of his expectations which was rather high, it seems. It happens to me very often, I always thought that by doing this, there will be a similar result or smthg. like if I flip a coin, it should be heads because I stick a small plasticine on the other side, but it became tails. I think with expectations, it must be coupled with a margin for error if not things are gonna be hard to accept.

SIGNS

This one of the 2009 winning entries for Cannes this year, its directed by Patrick Hughes. Its basically about communication and things like that. Watch the video to find out more. This video somehow showacases a lot of things within its short 12 minute frame.

1)The boredom of an office aka city life
It truly depicts how boring and mundane life is in the city area and when I was working for like half a year, its was the same feeling as well. Uber routine life, machiam like army...but like army there is a sense of fun in it as people fools around...haha. But, there are some places where work means work and because the company is a profit-driven area, there ain't much of a choice unless u are GOOGLE>.<

2)When one finds something extraordinary (or someone in this case), life becomes much brighter.
Evidently, from the video, Jason's life became much happier as well as the tone of the lighting in his house became brighter and he starts to enjoy going to work as he found someone fun/different in Stacey. So maybe, what we can do in life, is just be as fun and spontaneous everyday as you never know who you might meet and who you can brighten his/her day. Ol course, this is difficult to achieve as everyone has their moods and problems in life.

3)Somethings are just a window away.
Well this video, there is some elements of romance in it as Stacey did tell Jason that she had been observing him first and stuff like that. And Jason was all flustered when she was promoted to a higher position which means another level up...haha literally. Sometimes, one is so caught up with one's life that he doesn't notice his surroundings around him.

4)A bit weird but good way of communication.
It looks a bit off to see such a way of communication in such a serious setting like an office but it is a way to...I think...you know de-stress and to satisfy the human desire to communicate with someone else. Its like me and pbj way of conversations which are very very lame to the max and to both of us, its a way of de-stressing and a way for me to look forward from time to time to have some lame times to keep me sane...haha

Reading of Sunday Times...

Today I was reading the Sunday times article about Daring to Dream written by Lee Wei Ling, who is also MM's daughter. I always find her articles to be quite provocative at times and yet rather insightful as well. Well, there ain't many such articles that one can find in Singapore...haha..She was commenting on her dad's dreams for singapore and his visions. Apparently, during the 1980s, he was telling then one of our key strategic advisors, Dr Winsemius, that one day there will be a huge freshwater lakes in the Marina Bay area. And that in the near future, with possible advancements in technology, we will be able to make the waters clean and and drinkable and with the waters using for recreational purposes as well.

To say the truth, I am seriously quite impressed with this guy foresight and vision for something that might not even happen in the future. Most people have dreams, long term plans but only a small group of individuals are able to achieve this. Because they have the skills and strategies to plan and execute in the short run which many don't. Vision is one thing but execution is seriously another thing all together. Also, to convince people to subscribe to the idea is also a skill to have. After reading this article, I feel that having dreams/ambitions is not enough, the courage and skills and the power of the human mind has to be present as well to make the dreams a reality.

I think the ending portion the author made a small remark that the current generation may not be tough enough to be daring enough to go and pursue their dreams and that we cant take hardship. I feel that different generation have different views on hardship and yes I do have to agree that the younger ones are definitely aint as tough as the old guard. But I am sure that there will be capable and yet tough people of our generation to lead this country on into the future.

Mind Jolting Moment

Mind Jolting Moment

Yesterday, went to bishan for prawning with the bball gang plus Ming jie. Bloody expensive if u ask me at 30 dollars for a rod....we ended up sharing among ourselves. Haha. Not to bad , cuz I caught around 5 prawns I think though I missed like 8 others. So potential haul might be 13!!!!!! Rofl. =D

It's around 1 plus am where I started to hang out beside yan cong that side and he was asking me about school. Saying why I never make friends, then not expanding my networking and stuff and tht I should join a cca to get some leadership positions and stuff as well as be more involve in CIP related stuff. I was like, hmm see how...this kind of mode. Then said now trying to pick up the speed and stuff...then maybe December around there start doing exams papers and stuff. He replied super fast:"Is that a plan or is that an excuse?". "why not do it now?" I totally tio stunned.

I had a quick flashback back to secondary school days. The yan cong I know is always damn fun-loving( though now also lah) and seems to have a heck care atititude to stuff but I know if he wants to prove smthg, he will go all out kind. All of a sudden, he seems to have change, he is thinking of the future, he is working towards smthg. Sometimes, to put it bluntly, he is not someone who dishes out such stuff to people unlike ren or Johnny those kind.

PROCRASTINATE. That was the word tht pop in my head. Somehow, I managed to even make myself believe that I am not even procrastinating at all...wow...how pro is that ? Truly the strength of the human mind. Everytime I think of a metaphor to describe the situation, is that its like a marathon. The starting is always the most difficult part. I felt like I am not moving at all, its like jogging on the spot.

Going back to yan cong, wonder is it because of getting attached have gotten him to be more mindful of the future or is it because of being a spec thats why it has cause him to be more responsible and stuff like that? haha