Along the Bus 151 route

Today is the start of my stats 2 module and somehow the class got a little smaller liao, because I think majority only takes stats 1 lor. And today jian yang as usual pangseh me again...he just woke up at 8.30 lor...wth...lolz and he supposedly slep earlier as well...haha. Well, I sort of wander SIM for awhile before tottering to the bus stop to take a bus back to home. So as usual, I opened various boxes in my head and was going through the contents.

Next week is her birthday liao and I haven't got her a present yet...GG...lolz I think its going to be last minute as usual liao...haha. Anws I was just thinking back from all the way 2 years ago all the way to recently. And I sort of came to a realization that all along it has been in some way, a huge part of my fault in how things have turn out and everything. I think it all started from wanting to forget someone to having her as a substitute to being totally guilt ridden towards her for being such an idiot. In any case, I also never truly tried to understand her for who she was, with her eccentricities and stuff like that though I am sure at the beginning I did and only when my emotions/demons take over, thats where the suffering( in me ) begins. And my expectations of her only seems to exacerbate the situation worse.

To some of my friends, I always tell them about me being guilty to her about in some way, not treating her as a close friend but she always see me as one. initially, I was afraid of getting too close to her because I had thought that if too close, then we can't be together and stuff like that. As you can see, I am quite a complicated person ain't I?? haha...and I am more crazy to be analyzing my ownself....haha. but I think this part is just me lor, I am very fascinated by why some things turn out in such a way and I like to know why it happened. So sometimes when I see her, I don't know what to say to her and stuff, and I would prefer to avoid her. Today on the bus, I sort of remember this phrase from somewhere" one of the most important things in life is to learn to forgive yourself, with this one can move on"...And I finally accepted that. Don't ask me how, I just sort of finally see everything at the end of the tunnel liao...and I just felt happier or should I put it relieved?=)

One thing that I had learnt from this experience is that even though one may know the truth, but to know the exact purest truth is difficult. Take this exp for instance, at the start, at the middle and finally at the end, I always knew where the problem was, where is the epicentre...I had foresee it before hand, I put on my utmost cautious protective gears against it but in the end, I still fell prey to it. Hence, I came to a conclusion. Is that I was influenced by the then situation and thus even if I knew the problem, I will still commit the same mistake. And sometimes u need the courage and strength to go against your emotions and be rational in a lot of things.

Another thing would be that no process can be complete until one goes through all the stages of it. I always try to avoid mistakes in my entire life, hence thats why I always think in every possible scenarios, so that I would be ready for anything and that I won't make a mess out of it. Well, apparently some mistakes are there to be made, if not a conclusion cannot be reached.

Somehow, I think such things might and will repeat again...I mean no one is definitely sure that I won't make the same mistakes again as well as situations differs and same mistakes can be camouflaged in the backdrop. Well but after 21 years I think, everytime a chapter truly ends is only when acceptance is truly accepted by oneself regardless of how it ends, or how long it takes to end. =)