Silence

Its not always a good thing of wearing your heart on your sleeves, but I think today...my control was not there. I can feel the bitterness building up and I eventually buckle. Its not that I really regret saying it, maybe its better left unsaid. However, I think this will manifest inside of me if I don't say it. There are days when I can take the worst of negativity,be a sponge and soak it all up. Unfortunately, today is not the day. I realised that maybe I was so bothered by what is going on in her head that I can't stand it when she is quiet.I am oks with being quiet like with Samantha, I can spend an hr w/o talking and still feel like we had said many things with each other. But thats a different story, we went through a lot and I think it brought things to another level . 

Says that she is also like that with her close friends, and I appreciate that, but still it just bothers me...So I told her about it. I told her that I can't stand the silence and her answers are pretty hard to carry on conversing. It brought things to a kinda awkward level, she said she is like that sometimes and asked me what I want her to say. I just say well..I mean you know...like anything..Maybe she is really the kind that don't think so much but I am the opposite of her. And she could be quiet due to tired-ness. Like I said earlier, today is just not my day...I am filled with bitterness and anything that just piss me will bring the ugly side out. 

I also told her my long standing dislike for people to use their handphones when hanging out. Because to me its like a kinda form of respect for the other person. Oks, it sounds kinda rude to say all this to someone that you suppose to be going after...and might spoil the mood and all. Like I said, all my emotional control is thrown away, this is me at its core, I will show what I am feeling. Anws, she says that in the past, she also resented her friends for doing such kind of stuff..but nowadays she became like them. I ask her can she cut down on it when with me, she said she will try, so I was well quite oks with it. 

Actually I am glad I did all these, its just my way of getting it out of my system, if not I am sure I will be a damn bitter person and I will just have bad thoughts manifest in my mind. I am tired of playing games such as guessing what the other is thinking, and whatsoever push pull etc ...oks maybe I will still play the push pull thing...lol...

I know some people will say that I just killed my chances and all, trust me, it did come across my mind. Anws, I can't change whatever had happened a few hours ago.Still felt a bit sorry for making things awkward. But, to me, I feel that its the right thing to do because I don't wish to hide myself behind some kind of masks and when we get together den you see the cui side of me. I am happy that in a way we open ourselves out though it was a short period. It is really difficult for me to some what know you better, if I have to spend half my time reading your body language and 2nd guessing your motives. Or maybe I may have read your body languages wrong the whole time. 

Hmm even if I did killed it, then so be it. Like I said earlier, I don't want to be some kind of fake person and pretend to be someone else in front of you. If all these does turn her off and destroyed whatever piece of interest she has in me, then in a way, its fated. 

But nope...its not the end yet..in my heart, I don't believe it is. So, see how bah. Maybe all these woo-ing is just a way of me to get to know myself better.*shrugs* who knows 

2nd Upper Class Honours

BSc Economics & Finance: Second Class Honours (Upper Division)

Thats what was shown on the results page when I log in to see my results. My grades were not fantastic this year. Actually, I think it was the worse in all the 3 years. But, I managed to get the job done. I got my 2nd Upper grades, so that all it matters. This year threw up some surprises...MSM was my 2nd lowest along with POA which was equally surprising...but luckily monec saved me. Actually, I think it was the 1st 2 years that help me...so its truly the foundations that were the important of them all. 

But this also truly marks the end of my study life. Well, of course, we would never stop learning and studying, but as for the traditional study route, this is the final journey. I started with an aim to get 1st class, but I ended up with a 2nd upper, one grade lower den what I wanted. But, I think it was a great journey and as cliche as it sounds. It was never about the end, its the journey. I had learnt a lot of stuff and expose to various theories, definitely less than those who had internships and all, but I am glad I learnt the stuff that interest me. And not whatsoever engineer or maths theories which bored the hell out of me. 

It has been a not bad journey. met friends, met teachers and learn new stuffs along the way. Knew where was my limit, had mental breakdown..planning..focus..etc 

People ask me why wasn't I very happy when I saw my grades. I guess its kinda of expected? Or maybe to me its just a grade and not like I spend my whole life studying for it . Neither is it so important to me that it actually dictates my life, I guess. 

But, it is and now truly over. Onwards to the next chapter of life. Life still goes on. 

5 Years in the making

Today went out to meet up with Seong Hoon,Bryan and Soks. Essentially, they are my JC friends, whom I am not say very close to. Well except for Seong, cuz we were secondary school classmates but we kinda drifted apart in JC. Initially,thought it will be kinda weird but actually it turn up to be quite an interesting session. 

I am happy that Seong finally found his aim in life and his happiness, cuz knew he went astray back in JC and all, then felt that as a friend, I never managed to help him all. But, this time round I found that he has an aura of steadiness and he knew what he wants in life. Looking at his body language and eye contact and speech, does show a lot. At the same time, it kinda remind me to grow up in a certain way. Somehow, it forces me to be calm and steady my ship as well. Start to search and plan what I am actually aiming for in life. 

Its like for some reason, I got in touch with my old mature self. The self that won't waver and believe that I can survive, the self that I know I am able to get thru this...the self where I feel a steady presence. We were talking about his many girlfriends who have in some way shaped and influence him into the man he is today. I felt that besides girlfriends, but anyone who happened to cross my path, all have at least some form of influence on my life. Some big, some small..but all have an impact. Like this meeting, it kinda of bring out my "old" self again 

Realised that soks became a whole lot quieter as compared to the past. Wonder she is tired or well maybe she have grown up. Also noticed that she seems more pessimistic as compared to the past self, wonder whether life have actually dealt her some shocks...but the old soks still seem to be still there, once in a while it surfaces.

But time really flies, 5 years since we left JC, 5 years since we have any HTHT with each other.  Hopefully, its a start to many such sessions. 

Natural

Had a date with Adeline on Sunday. She was late as usual, went to Food for Thought for an all day breakfast meal. Order too much in my opinion, got to keep a mental note that she eats little. I would say its pretty affordable as compared to Wild Honey, and their pancake with cream was surprisingly not bad. Warning! The portions are huge..haha. But I would say its pretty decent. 

We went to the Queen's Street branch, abit kinda small and outside there is a circular table tennis table where some kids started playing table tennis. Grabbed a bat and had a game with her, she totally cui with sports...haha...Got to challenged her to a game so that I can know her cca in secondary school which is chinese drama. Can see that she is really awkward with sports. 

Since our theme of the day was being a tourist( its smthg I came out with), but she was kinda tired with sleeping at 5am the day before, brought her to Ion to do window shopping. But she was seriously stoned and tired, den decides to sit at the 4th floor and just nua till 5.30pm. Asked her random questions, cuz I dont really like quiet sessions...well unless you are someone that I am very comfortable with like Sam or Pig or TH and some others. Grabbed her handphone... and gave her mine instead and I kept pushing her limit when she wants hers back. I dont really like when people I go out with, or rather to be specific, girls that I am interested with , starts to whip out their phones and whatsapp or sms away. I think this part stems from the past whenever sam would also do the same. Dunno..just dont feel good about it. 

Of course, after awhile, I return hers, certain things cannot push too far de. After that, brought her to Gardens by the Bay. Was told by her that I was kinda childish and all. Frankly, I am a bit surprised because most people dont really say that, but maybe innately I am and that I always suppressed it. It may also be because I am more positive now as compared to the past so I am not so constrained nor quiet anymore. But still, I was surprised. She said she prefer mature guys when I asked her so what kind she likes. A fleeting thought did pop in my mind about changing myself, but den I realised I couldn't. Well I mean, I am who I am now, if you think that I am childish and you can't accept me, den so be it. I might try to cut down on the nonsense though...but I think things will be too dull liao...haha. 

 My fav.inception style shot..haha

 Didn't really stayed to catch the lighting performance at 7.45pm. I was trying to read whether she was feeling too hot and sianz or not..but decided to just skip it and go and catch dinner. Walked to MBS but decided nothing to eat there so went to Raffles Place to grab ramen there instead. Was quite oks, still prefer Santouka but I would say the soup base was good. 

On the bright side, she allowed me to take pics of her, but in the end, I kept deleting them due to them failing her QC standards. She only say I can keep one only, but I kept another one that I took secretly at FFT..haha...ain't gonna delete them. =P

There were some improvements over the months though I still feel that I still got my work cut out, but I will carry on but still keeping a realistic mind. =)

Awakening Of the Senses and the Soul

14days in South Korea. 8 Days in Seoul, 4 Days in Jeju Island, 2 Days in Busan. In a way, its a first for me in many ways. Travelling with Jianyang, travelling with a totally random strangers, zip-lining stunts and roaming the streets of Myeong-Dong on my own, horse riding and many other firsts.

Initally,it was kinda difficult, cuz JY and me got 2 very different travelling styles. I don't mind the long distances and crowds, but he will be bothered by it. I am oks with the people there, maybe cuz I don't really care whether people are crude or lack of manners, in the beginning, he needed some time in getting use to it. Went to many places in Seoul, visited places that tour buses won't bring you to in Seoul. Able to finally use some korean that was learnt, got used to their way of ordering stuff in restaurants and their cuisine there. Maybe if I am travelling on my own, I would spend more time at certain places...but then again, alone is too boring..ha. Should go along with Sam next time, must go with pretty similar character de...lol.

Unlike Zhenni, I didn't really have much alone time, which I would like when I am travelling, like finding a nice cafe and sit down and just lost in my thoughts. Of course, this can be done in Singapore as well...but I figured overseas will be a totally different feeling. Going at your own pace and all, though of course the Singaporean in me, will feel that we need to be efficient and that must make full use of whatever available time is for us. The notion of not wanting to miss anything out.

I would say 8 days in Seoul would be too long of time, because Korea offers more stuff I guess, but then again there will always be places waiting to be found. To me, 5 days would be just nice. Its like Taipei in Taiwan, a few days will be alright. Weather in Korea was UBER HOT, make me more appreciative of Singapore Weather...with the rain and wind...haha. Got a nice healthy tan, though I know I will lose it within a few days. Summer sucks..haha.

I would say Jeju was awesome, though it was kinda rush in a way. Jeju really have awesome scenery and feels more like Hawaii or smthg, with its many peaks and that it was an island that was formed by a volcanic eruption, hence the many volcanic rocks around the area. Sunsets are always beautiful in that place, away from the bustling of modern cities like Seoul and Busan. Its a great place to retire and chill, feel and absorb the natural energies of those places. I guess camping at such places will be awesome and can see the stars in the sky as well, away from the light pollution in cities.

Food was awesome if you peeps are ok with the korean cuisine, to me I kinda like it though I can't stand it if its too spicy, but love their kimbab, best are those authentic street food that can be found in any parts of korea. Besides, if you are in seoul, no worries, there are tons of international cuisines that can be found there. As evident by the presence of Krispy Kreme donuts.

And Seoul is not a difficult place to travel free and easy as contrary to popular belief, seoul-lites are quite ok with chinese and japanese, though english is still some way off, but they do understand. Especially the younger generations. Besides, there are tourist guides (wearing red) at most tourist areas. If not, grab a map and start pointing at places...haha.

Pictures can be found on facebook..though I havent upload the Jeju ones because most of the more interesting ones with my other friends cameras. So got to wait for them to upload first..lolz