Silence

Its not always a good thing of wearing your heart on your sleeves, but I think today...my control was not there. I can feel the bitterness building up and I eventually buckle. Its not that I really regret saying it, maybe its better left unsaid. However, I think this will manifest inside of me if I don't say it. There are days when I can take the worst of negativity,be a sponge and soak it all up. Unfortunately, today is not the day. I realised that maybe I was so bothered by what is going on in her head that I can't stand it when she is quiet.I am oks with being quiet like with Samantha, I can spend an hr w/o talking and still feel like we had said many things with each other. But thats a different story, we went through a lot and I think it brought things to another level . 

Says that she is also like that with her close friends, and I appreciate that, but still it just bothers me...So I told her about it. I told her that I can't stand the silence and her answers are pretty hard to carry on conversing. It brought things to a kinda awkward level, she said she is like that sometimes and asked me what I want her to say. I just say well..I mean you know...like anything..Maybe she is really the kind that don't think so much but I am the opposite of her. And she could be quiet due to tired-ness. Like I said earlier, today is just not my day...I am filled with bitterness and anything that just piss me will bring the ugly side out. 

I also told her my long standing dislike for people to use their handphones when hanging out. Because to me its like a kinda form of respect for the other person. Oks, it sounds kinda rude to say all this to someone that you suppose to be going after...and might spoil the mood and all. Like I said, all my emotional control is thrown away, this is me at its core, I will show what I am feeling. Anws, she says that in the past, she also resented her friends for doing such kind of stuff..but nowadays she became like them. I ask her can she cut down on it when with me, she said she will try, so I was well quite oks with it. 

Actually I am glad I did all these, its just my way of getting it out of my system, if not I am sure I will be a damn bitter person and I will just have bad thoughts manifest in my mind. I am tired of playing games such as guessing what the other is thinking, and whatsoever push pull etc ...oks maybe I will still play the push pull thing...lol...

I know some people will say that I just killed my chances and all, trust me, it did come across my mind. Anws, I can't change whatever had happened a few hours ago.Still felt a bit sorry for making things awkward. But, to me, I feel that its the right thing to do because I don't wish to hide myself behind some kind of masks and when we get together den you see the cui side of me. I am happy that in a way we open ourselves out though it was a short period. It is really difficult for me to some what know you better, if I have to spend half my time reading your body language and 2nd guessing your motives. Or maybe I may have read your body languages wrong the whole time. 

Hmm even if I did killed it, then so be it. Like I said earlier, I don't want to be some kind of fake person and pretend to be someone else in front of you. If all these does turn her off and destroyed whatever piece of interest she has in me, then in a way, its fated. 

But nope...its not the end yet..in my heart, I don't believe it is. So, see how bah. Maybe all these woo-ing is just a way of me to get to know myself better.*shrugs* who knows