The world behind the walls

As always, long chats with samantha is always a treat for the senses. Ranging from a variety of topics. From worldly to the imaginable future, very intense. Which brings me to this anime that was my favourite last year.

kyojin no shingeki. Aka Attack of the Titans.

Summary is that humans boarded themselves behind huge walls that separate themselves between the man eating titans. I remember a scene that the protagonist listened to stories of wide open seas and High reaching mountains and he was stirred to see them. To be free of the walls. Even if it will kill him.

So hearing stuffs from samantha, listening to her on economic issues, the currency shortage, the things on a bigger scale. It always give me the feeling that the world is so big, there are so many fascinating unchartered places out there. Like the world is beyond the walls around me, there is another world out there. It might be scary and you can be killed out there. However, I believe that humans are meant to roam the earth, there are greater stuff out there and even though it's possible to even be killed, some will venture out there instead of just purely staying behind those walls.

The safehouse

If any of you have watch the Avengers:Age of Ultron. You may remember the scene where the Avengers were beaten by Ultron and his team and that they were downtrodden. Hawkeye brought them to his family house which was somehow erased from all database across the world.

So I pretty much feel like the safe house and Sam is the Hawkeye... Not saying that she has any superpower, well, even Hawkeye doesn't have any. So she is not saving the world either but she tends to gravitate to the high zenith of the world.

So, if shit happens, well, generally she is magnet for one, I m around to kind of make her start grounded n sane. I m not blowing my own trumpet here though in a way I am.. Haha

One of the few achievements in life is really in just doing that. Sometimes when I feel really useless and query why my life seems to be so worthless. My inner works tells me that there is someone out there that who is pretty much alive n doing well because of me. Not that I did anything much really. I just listen, say n joke a little that's all. But to know that I managed to provide a place of solace for someone and give her some courage in life. I guess it's give me a feeling that maybe I m not so useless anymore.

In return, she always invigorates me with a sense of energy n courage too, with her endeavours in life.

It's definitely not a one way thing.

Till this day, after a decade, I still find our friendship, nothing short of amazing.

On travelling

Freedom of travels

The uncertainty.
The colors.
The people.
The air.
The disappointments.
The food.
The temperature.
The language.
The survivalist.
The vast landscapes.
The friendliness in unforeseen places.
The journey.
The smiles.

And these are why I like to travel.

Merdeka!

Yesterday, the heavens poured,as if the heavens are weeping as well. Citizens wept, kneeled, shouted but resolute, in the pouring rain.

In the comfort of my newly minted executive condominium, I sense that the whole island had stop. This was a Sunday, a day where families hang out and where groceries are bought. None of these had happened, not since 9am in the morning. No traffic was heard, no sounds of kids even the birds seems to be on mourning. At 1230pm, the funeral procession started. The rain poured heavily, my mother exclaimed that the people will definitely retreat into the shelters to step back. In my heart, I kinda mock at her, that today it wont happened, today is not the day that we Singaporeans will backed away from the elements. We will stand resolved and resolute in the rain, even for just a few seconds with the man. And I was right, countless Singaporeans stand strong and upright, offering help to the needy. The students in their ponchos and uniforms soak to their skins, stand and brave the elements. A couple of old men stood upright and tall amidst the torrential rain, oblivious to the fact that the probability of them falling sick have increased. It's as if they found their youth back, salutes given to the man were strong and respectful with am upright back.

As the cortege passed, shouts of "Lee Kuan Yew", "Thank you, Mr Lee" were shouted and renditions of our favourite national day songs were sang. Petals were thrown over the casket, flowers were strewn over the roads and our national flag, the crescent and stars were waved. I noticed that as the strong wind blows, our flag looks magestic as it was held aloft. Traffic stopped on the opposite roads as people got out of the cars and wanted to be part of history.

One consistent images that had struck me the most through out this passing week. Was that of our Pioneer Generation, especially the men, who had saluted to Mr Lee Kuan Yew. I remember telling cat that I felt it's not right to salute because LKY is not from the army and as soldiers we only recognised the state flag, our constitution and the armed forces. However, after these passing week, LKY and his team are Singapore and will always be. In that sense, a salute is appropriate. I have always believe that a man's salute and the way he carry himself including the speeches he give, says a lot of the person character. The salutes I have seen from these old timers were of great substance and were filled with respect for the extraordinary man.

To see Mr Chiam, being allocated a place in the procession was also heart warming. This man would not have held on to Potong Pasir GRC, for so long if he does not have the capabilites as a leader. Though he hardly won any fights or debates with LKY, I could see that he was a gentlemen. I can not say so much of LTK, but let's not be drawn in that direction.

As the cortege made its way to the UCC(university cultural centre), the final stage for Mr Lee have begin. I look outside and saw that most of my neighbours were glued to the screen, watching intently. I sat through for the first 4 eulogies, felt that PM Lee gave one of his finest speeches ever in his political career. Maybe like what my uncle had commented, his chains have finally been free from his dad. I view it as that Singapore have been left to him to shoulder on, to carry forward. I forecast that we are going to see a slightly stronger PM Lee in the next few years.

When the minute of silence was observed, I sat down and closed my eyes. I say my thanks and gratitude to the man, who have gave me a much comfortable starting point in life. When the pledge was said, my self conscious crept in, as I am afraid of losing face in my family. However when the state flag was shown and the national song was sang, I realised how cowardly I was. I stood up and Ernest commented on that. I gave a lame excuse and said that it's the state flag.

I stood in a "ser nang di ri "position (don't know how to write in malay), and stood upright in front of the TV. In my heart, I sang the national anthem.

Once the wreaths were placed and all was done, the last post and all, it's the end of the ceremony.

It marks the end of an era. Our tiny island began to come back to life. And as our pragmatism rang through, life goes on.

This morning, I woke up late and felt a little lost. The same feeling when Ah Gong passed away. I wander around the house, taking in the beauty of my condominium, the blue skies and clouds that floated past, the greenery of the trees around us. I thank LKY for it in my heart, I see his legacy all around us, it's like he never truly left us. I remember I thought to myself that my Ah Gong had never left us too, I have his genes and blood, I am the living embodiment of my grandpa.

As I read the final articles in the papers of him, I look out of the balcony and felt a sense of clarity and a renewed faith in my people.

For this is my home, my uniquely Singapore. If you ask me what sort of freedom I have, I would have shouted "Merdeka". Only this kind of unique freedom, you can find only here and no where else.

To Mr Lee, you have once again rallied and United a nation. You did so on 8th August 1965, you had done so again on 23rd March 2015.

Sir, we will keep defending and believing in this country for which you had believed in so strongly. MAJULAH SINGAPURA!

Farewell, Sir.

The Flow of the River

Rivers.

We all know what rivers are, right? If you do not, please look up on Wikipedia. Now, rivers are like water snakes when being viewed from the top. The long meandering water passageways along vast green lands. The boatman will be on his craft, navigating the currents and the curves of this slithering waterway. Time to time, the river will pan out into various passage ways as well, the boatman will then have to make a choice of whichever way is suitable for him.

Like the river, our lives are more or less similar as well. We are the boatman navigating our lives along the river. There will be turns here and there, there will be strong currents that we have to deal with and the nasty obstacles that are thrown in as well.

So, if I am going to super-imposed my current situation to the above. I am pretty much like along a river or a bend. However, I am not really at a junction yet. But I am unease for I had thought there should be a turn somewhere around where I am now. I kept leaning against the shore, trying to keep an eye out for that small bend, small stream that my craft can enter. I kept fighting the currents that comes with staying too near the shore and the river is strongly moving forwards. I am currently tired, and yesterday, I had thoughts of just letting go of the oars and just let the river flows, wherever she will take me. My plans were wrong, I can't find the turn or junction. I just want to lie in my craft and give my life away to the river, whence she will bring me to, to my demise or paradise.

Similarly, I am waiting and trying to force my way out of the current situation in my life. I set schedules, knowing that I am never good at following them. I decide to wake up at 5 to 5.30 every morning, which is good, but adhered to it too much. I am not happy that I am not losing enough weight. It's very much like the boatman rowing close to the shore, looking for that turn.

I battle demons, big or small, within myself everyday , willing me to do this or that and keep questioning me why things aren't happening for me. Similarly, like the boatman, I am battling the hidden currents.

Recently, a voice came out in my head and I was reminded of the struggles I had during my search for a bank job back in 2013. I remembered about self help books that I read, "The Secret", "Now".

Like the boatman, I was expecting a turn, but obviously there ain't any. Hence, I spend so much energy fighting the currents that I am exhausted. I became bitter. There is so much energy and focus spent on finding the turn that I kinda forget that there may not be any until further downstream.

I am not a peace.

A good boatman will know how to use the current, and knows that there are many turns along the long meandering river that will eventually bring us to our destination. As long as due diligence is put it, coupled with a dash of hope.

Everyday, I pressure myself unnecessarily over things like, I need to study now, work out now, no time, need to be home, need to sleep, need to wake up at 5,need to buy groceries. Eventually, I am out of sync with what I want n what I need. I have always trust my gut feeling, my inner compass. And my gut feeling have been telling me that something is wrong for some time already, but I refuse to believe it. For fear that I may slack off, give up or just plain lazy. There is no focus, just plain grinding. That explains why I couldn't really last long at maple story.

I guess I should let my craft follows the current. As I steer my craft towards the centre and not fussing about the hidden turns along the shore. When I told myself to let go of the pressure, I feel more at ease with myself. I am not giving up finding that turn, it's just that I am not so obsessed with it anymore. The thing about rivers and life is that one will never know how it spans. For all we know, I will be presented with a clear junction and that's where a choice have to be made.

To be a Singaporean

There are always incidents/events in one's life, where things happen and that it reshapes the course of someone's life.

2002) I had suicidal thoughts.
2006) Met Samantha
2007) 3 months of BMT
2008) As a CBRD pioneer in 39th
2009) Customer service role in IRAS
2011) Ah Gong Passing
2013) Broke up with Adeline / Got together with Cat
2015) Lee Kuan Yew Passing

The above are the events that had shaped my life greatly. Of course there were smaller stuff along the way.

Unlike my esteemed friend, Samantha, I never got the chance to meet Mr Lee in person. Or maybe I was too young to be bothered even if I did. I always remembered my mum was a huge fan of him. She would snap up his books except the recent "hard truths" and that she always sings his praises.

So I read the book(hard truths) and came out impressed by the man. However, I do not feel anything except a "hey sir, u are cool". As time goes by, LKY became more of a character in history books to me. Maybe because he is no longer that active in politics and Goh Chok Tong was my era's PM.

Everywhere I hear adulations and praises about Singapore and LKY, wherever I travelled. Again, to me, I am like.. Oh it's nothing.. Your country is a lot better.

I still do respect the man, nonetheless. I always thought and felt that as long as Singapore politics remain stable and the party don't screw up the place, I am fine. Worse come to worse, I will migrate lo.

Now, yesterday, I got the news from cat about LKY passing. I felt the same despair and uncertainty of the future. It's the same feeling when Ah Gong passed away. We are on our own now. Once my parents generation, too faded into the night, we will be the stalwarts.

Now the nation last heckles have been unchained. The old guard are no more, nothing and no one will come from the past and say do this do that. Though it will be incredibly cool, if in some form LKY spring from the dead if Singapore is screwed up. I am just joking.

I felt an immense loss and uncertainty in me. More impactful then my Ah Gong Passing on me. Maybe because my Ah Gong represent a childhood and the fact that we do not communicate a lot. Like a heart to heart kind. So I can't truly say I know my Ah Gong. I remember I cried a few nights as I thought that now it has happened. Time is moving.

So, like any human, I try to salvage what ever information of the dead. To try to remember, to keep memories of him. I read countless articles of LKY, I read the tributes, I read the pasts, I watched videos of him giving speeches and I cried.
It's not really so much about loyalty to this country or not, like cat puts it. It's more of a realisation, a sense of gratitude for this man. This very man for his tenacity, his determination, his intellect that brought us to this day. I suddenly felt that I am extremely lucky, I am lucky I can read, I can have a lighted house at night, I can be wired to the internet and etc. All these is attributed to the Old Guard.

Never have I reacted so strongly to my country's history. Never have I ever fully emphasise with the racial riots and all like now. In the past, to me, they were the forgotten past. Yesterday, I could feel the emotions of the events. The energy of the people stem from one man.

For the first time in my life, and in the deepest pits of my soul.

"I am not a Chinese, I am a Singaporean"

There is a pride in me that swells up. In the end, in my case, no amount of propaganda and media could make me fully feel like a Singaporean. The national identity that LKY had so strongly fought for us to have. A country whose people with no common attributes to each other. In the end, his passing makes me feel special that as Singaporeans. My friends and I, we all have the same traits. All cut from the same cloth of that man. An unyielding tenacity, the will to survive, the ability to adapt and most importantly, to be a pragmatic idealist.

Softies

https://berthahenson.wordpress.com

Just read this article during a short 5 min break at work today. Processing trades is a rather thankless and mind strapping stuff.

So, to address the big elephant in the room, Mr Lee Kuan Yew is in ICU, fighting for whatever life he has now. But, I am sure that death won't ever have an easy time in calling him over. For all we know, when he leaves, he will go over and own the netherworld. Such is his tenacity and stubbornness.

I shared an article by Bertha Henson, a former editor at the Straits Times. It's sort of a way of a tribute for this great man, the leader of our founding fathers. We all know that death will soon claim this man, this man who no doubt command respect from both supporters and detractors alike.

The Internet is filled with Mr Lee's tributes and articles, such is the situation now. While reading this article, I like a quote written by Bertha but nonetheless from her father.

" But the people had bright eyes. Sharp eyes. They weren’t beaten down or down cast."

Bright and Sharp eyes. I don't see that in a lot of people around me. Even I feel that I don't have that in me. We talk a lot of quarter life crisis, of our ideals, of the government(in a negative way), Mid life crisis and the way of life in singapore.

Maybe we have really become a soft generation.

At the same time, Bertha paid her tributes to Mr Lee, and as I look around in the food court. My female colleagues, as was their wont, do not like the place due to a smell. Without that guy, I don't think we will have such a place and air con and food. We could be squeezing in some small shop house or eat around a tree with potential insects as an add on.

Alright. Time to toughen up.

Life.. Yet again

I have always been touching a lot of Life. Well ever since, the day I started my blog actually. I am never one to openly post details of my thoughts and Life online. However, I will have to say, that it’s been quite therapeutic over the years. The obstacles I have to face and all.
Now, there have been many articles and blog posts by me on the subject, which is none other, than Life. I guess from a young age, I take every setback, every decision, and every obstacle and linked it back to life. I guess it’s a lot easier to put them and blame down on life, rather than blame the situation at hand.
On Life, everyone’s life is different. You may believe in destiny or in your own hands. I like to read articles on stories on how some people managed to do extraordinary things with their life. For example, earlier on, I read an article about a Japanese Soy Sauce maker made a comeback since the torrid days of the March Tsunami in 2011. How he managed to salvage whatever he had and continue to build back the business. I always applaud such herculean effort and the strong will to believe in the business.
I, however, seems to be unable to translate that perseverance into my life. There have been a lot of times, where either I had falter off, or just decided otherwise. I find it quite frustrated at myself at times. Is it that I really have no interest in the things that I need to persevere? Or is it the case like what Master Lynn had said, that I am a naturally a lazy person due to the huge amount of Earth in me.
I really don’t like this feeling of frustration, I don’t like to give up, and it sucks. Big Time.

A break

For the past 2 days I had training at BNP pretty new spanking APAC campus. As always, I am impressed with the service and wonderful food they seem to always offer. You might refer to an old instagram for that.

This year, I attended a "Power up your business writing skills". It's essentially or rather, an English lesson. It's great and I love a westerner whenever I am learning English. Shirley Taylor, is the quintessential British, with their quirks and british humour, coupled with a childlike enthusiasm.

I love it. It's not something to say that I will like it so much that I don't mind studying and practising it for life. It's more of a break and away from the doldrums of work. I love the feeling of learning again, something new, something that I know I can improve with. Just like in school, when I can learn various topics. It's something applicable to life.

I never like anything that I know it's not useful to life. And that's maybe why I am not so into the sciences, I can't relate and apply it. I mean.. Heck, how's knowing the organic bonds going to teach me how to pack my cupboard? It's not going to make any difference.

Maybe as macro-economics is so much applicable in reality. I can really see and feel that it's the reason on the demand and supply. Therefore, I prefer it compared to micro-economics.

I don't really know why,but Everytime I feel some negativity and sian-Ness. I will always blame my current job. I have always state that I don't think it's a bad job, but I have no idea why I detest it so much. So much that I always blame it for any negativity. It's like whatever in my head and heart always tells me, something is not right with this. Get out. Get out.

There are days where volume is not bad, I kinda enjoy the routine of it and life. However, once the routine hits me or obstacles occur, I start to hate it. I sometimes whether I hate my current life or my job. I guess it's the job that fills up most of life that's why it takes most of the brunt.

In conclusion?. Like what Shirley Taylor will always say. "Why are you stating the obvious, darling?"

predecessor

I was reading some of my old posts, when I happen to chance upon a post which was just after the break up with Adeline. The title was " I chose Life". Curious about it, I clicked the link and viola it brought me back to 2 years ago. Where my time was bleak and depressing.

You know. One thing about blogs is that it allows our past selves to communicate with our current self. After reading the post, I was slightly inspired and in a way, allows me to carry on believing and living just for a little bit.

The art of keeping Journals, I believe ..is like this blog. Far too many people dont keep any records or some sort these days. With technology all around us, these small things in life slowly but surely disappear. And thats why maybe I decide to write Christmas cards to people every year. To those that I had neglected, those that had touch my life one way or another, those that I used to love and those that I am grateful for accepting me as a friend and listen to me through out the years. And its really sometimes when one really sit down and write, can one feels how close you are to that person, writing slows your train of thought. Forcing you to write after you think and not like many a times, say things without thinking at all.

I like to liken a Journal as a Pensieve from Harry Potter. There are so many things that happens to everyone's life and thought we have an awesome apparatus called a brain. We can't pulled out any memory that we want at will, its somewhere deep down but we can't find it. Hence, a journal will be a good thing to know that events happen in once life.

For all we know, your past self maybe actually helping you in the future. A ghost. 

2015

It has been a super long time since I last blog about my life or anything in particular. Just today, I kinda stop doing things that I have to do, but went on to do things I want to do. I just purchased some e-books from Amazon store and reading on my now ( loan to me by dear) kindle. I have to admit, why did I take so long to own a kindle? I spent the entire afternoon reading this book titled " The Boys in the Boat: 9 Americans and their Quest for Gold at the 1936 Berlin Olympics"

I decided that I am going to blog a lot more this year compared to last year. Be it happy things or emotional things, I guess its a good way to de stress and for me to clear my head. 2014 have been a year that just zooms past like a locomotive, I am adamant not to let 2015 run away from me like a wild horse. I am going to grasp the reins and rein in the year like a thoroughbred. Towards the end of 2014, there were a lot of things that were constantly running through my head. Start a business. Pick up new skills. Study for CFA, Quit my job. Job is mundane. Need to get out of this quagmire. Everyday, I am constantly badgered or thinking about one of those things and as an effect, start to psycho-analyse myself again. Why am I lazy? Why aren't you doing up your resume? Why am I not studying? Why...a lot of Whys. Start to immerse myself into psycho-ing myself with motivational videos, Everyday, at gym and in the morning, I listen to motivational videos on YouTube. There were days I was inspired, mostly, I think I got numbed due to the number of times I have been listening.

I came to a conclusion that most success stories all came from an innate desire to achieve something. Hence, I too decided to set out to find that desire. I told myself I want to have financial freedom, so I want a million by 30, I want to lose weight to 74 kg by March 2015( Now am on 82 kg). Well,  I think I am closer to the weight loss then the million dollar net worth.

I like this quote from Eric Thomas the Hip Hop Preacher: " Most of you say that you want to be successful. You don't want it bad. You just kinda want it." Do you want it so bad that you are willing to forgo sleep ? Do you want it so bad that you forgo the opportunity to go party? At the end, its how much you really want something to work for it. I guess its the same for everyone, I told myself I want to have a Million by 30. I guess I just kinda want it. If  I do really want the million, I most probably would be doing something else by now instead of here typing this out on a Blog. I want to quit my job, but I am still not done with an updated resume.

I am still searching. I think I should leave the negatives and anxieties back in 2014. And start 2015 with a new slate. I was so anxious to get out of the job , at times, make me wonder whether am I anxious to get out of a routine or is the job itself. Recently, during work, I was so indifferent about things that I don't really give a shit whether I had loads of volume or some shit happens. I will just be like, Oks just go through it lo.In all actuality, its both. I came to realise this 2 things that I don't really like. I don't want to be a hamster. My current job and life are 2 exact examples of a hamster. I still couldn't get used nor grasp the idea of running on a treadmill in a gym. Another perfect example of a hamster. So my impending resignation from this company is imminent. I just have to do the things, the new routines to make it happen. And not dwell in the reasons why I have to resign. But rather to perform the tasks needed to resign. So that's for the career portion.

Next is life. Time to really...fuck all worries and unnecessary procrastination and get some shit done. Time I have in a day, stems from 5 am to 10.30 pm. Got to sleep between 11.30 and 12 midnight. Between this 17 and a half hours that I have, I will have to make them count. So decided to do up a schedule for everyday, don't think will want to fill up my Google calender with it, might be too messy and all. So , will be getting a smaller planner tomorrow or something. I have no idea whether this will actually helps me a not, but it beats not following anything. If Samantha can get so many things done in a day, I am pretty sure I can do. If there are guys and girls out there who are doing what people said was tough, I am sure I can do.