Five things that I am grateful for in the lunar year of 2025

And it has been another year passed and as usual there had been doubts, shit happens and somehow still some specks of good that somehow still manage to find its way into things. When one thinks about it, no matter how shit or bad life feels, there is somehow always some good in this world. Maybe let us start the first post of the new year be it, Gregorian or the Lunar New Year with the good stuffs of 2025.Lol...I am just making excuses for not posting earlier. 

1) Finally, I went to Japan!!!

I mean I started watching Ultraman when I was like what 7 years old. Along the way, I watched my 1st Gundam in Primary 5, started Anime like Bleach and Slam Dunk in secondary school. Even till now, I am still watching animes like Jujutsu Kaisen and Demon Slayer. So since my first dap into Japanese culture at 7 years old..I took like 30 years before I finally stepped foot into Japan. And it met all my expectations except the big cities like Osaka which kinda feels way over crowded and touristy. I attended my very first World Expo and it was an "enlightening" experience like the queues and the scale of the exhibition. Also went for my very first Onsen , of course its the private one cuz it will be weird to see other people stark naked and it was also still the summer season so am afraid of the bugs. Great to hear the japanese speak Japanese around me and also did a short hike in Kamikochi. Though the weather was bad, but it was still nonetheless breathtaking. 

Of course the delicious food..metcha ooishii. Loved the cheap Yen haha and also been spending quite a bit on shoes, outdoor stuffs and of course Uniqlo there. Definitely will want to go back as I like the shopping there and the mountainous areas..gosh I just love mountains. Though the threat of the great earthquake still looms around ( authorities predict the next Great Earthquake to be at 80% probability in the next 30 years), hopefully I can still have a few more trips there before it happened.

2)2nd Time doing Renovation, finally got Charlotte's Carpentry

Once settled with the Lumina Grand lawyer stuffs and that our TOP was approaching, we kickstarted the process of looking for IDs every weekend in Nov. We saw like about 8 of them and eventually settle for Charlotte's Carpentry. Previously, our first renovation we really wanted to go with them as the previous ID who now is the 2nd in command of the business, was really meticulous and helpful. Also even though he was quite busy but he still slotted us in between timings and all. But alas, no matter what we did, we were not able to quite bring down the price without sacrificing the whole design. Eventually we went with Felix from Design4Space who managed to provide a solution to our house's awkward layout and yet was within our budget. Strangely, he has also since moved to Charlotte's Carpentry so in a way, was quite lucky that we were not allocated to him again. Lets say eventually during the Reno process with him it wasnt very smooth, nothing bad happen just that the communication wasn't very good and eventually the paint he offered though was industry norm but it wasn't durable. Eventually after a year I had to ownself buy my own paint and repaint the house. Hopefully for Charlotte's this time round ,they offer free upgrade to Nippon Paint higher end collections so I hope this round will be better.

We got Raymond this time round, a bit of a quiet guy, very organized as well..and he was the top 3 sales last year so I guess he did well enough and that looking at his portfolios seems pretty match with our condo current color scheme so I think it will be a good fit. So far our 3D discussions and all, seems alright and he also oks with our various amendments but end day still need to collect keys and see the house before we can also proceed further I guess. Hopefully this time round our 2nd time Reno, will come good for us.

3)Ticked something off the bucket list which is to visit Old Trafford!

This is many thanks to cat's relatives because they wanted to migrate to the UK and wanted to look at some cities as well as visit friends. So when they wanted me and cat to follow them cuz of our English and I can drive long distance, they were oks to have me spend one day at Old Trafford, the Home ground of Manchester United. I paid for the stadium tour but alas the dressing room was in renovation so I couldn't go in. But to walk along the touchline and the stadium seats as well as the director's box. To feel the air of the place. Makes me want to bring my dad at least once together and watch a match together. 

I hope that dream will come through soon and if we watch together , hopefully United will win the match as well as to be challenging for top 4 once again. Come on United !

4) Manage to sell our current place at our targeted price with a 3 months extension

So initially were kinda skeptical that we can stay at our place all the way until renovation is done as we wanted to limit the bridging loan interest as much as possible as well to not pay for storage. Also, it will be very troublesome to move in with Cat's parents for 3 months or so. Initially, our agent who is my mum's cousin, wasn't very optimistic at our targeted price. But cat was quite adamant at it...I mean she definitely know her stuff, as she works in the real estate industry as well as she did a certificate in valuation before. Hence, we posted the targeted price on PropertyGuru and the extension. Initially there were quite a few viewings which we expected as we kinda cut the 8th floor listing for the same listed price and we were 15th floor. We didn't want to put in a too high amount as it will definitely turn off buyers and based on cat's estimated valuation is also way too high. After like 9 viewings, shag cuz every time a viewing is going to happen, we had to clean and pack the place to pristine condition. We finally got an offer within our targeted price , and with a bit of nego, we got it at our targeted price. However, we were not out of the woods yet as the buyer did indicate that if the COV is way above, he will withdraw. So when the valuers came down, and we gave them all our receipts of the Reno costs and all. Eventually the COV was just 10K which is within the buyer's expectations. We used to pay 30K last time round sia and also was the highest record for the building at the time. This time the valuation was pretty much on point and also is currently the highest price set for this building. Now it's with HDB hands, and I hope everything smoothly and we can reduce our Bridging Loan Interest as much as possible.

5) Switching to a Google Pixel Watch 4

It has always been to have most of my smart devices to be under the Pixel or pure Android Ecosystem, so once I pass my Samsung Galaxy Watch to my mum who has a galaxy phone so it's a better fit for her. With the pixel watch it will be easier in a lot ways as it is compatible with my Pixel phone. I think downside is that the domed glass is exceptionally prone to cracks and scratches as well as the recent update as caused the sleep tracking to be non existent.

Don't believe everything you think

 

So ever since the previous breakdown, I was in JB two weeks back and I chanced upon this book. I remember while I was driving in Sydney, there was an audiobook that I was listening to that mentioned that not everything we think is real or something so naturally this caught my eye. And of course, the words like "End of Suffering" 

So the super short summary about this book is that we all humans have thoughts and thinking. The author believes that thoughts are ideas that are devoid of negative emotions and it serves as an uplifting and happy thing. However, the Ego inside all of us will start to think about it and rationalize why it does not make sense. Of course, lets say a thought says you want to rob a bank naturally the thinking will be it does not make any sense, the risk of being caught is high and the trade off is not worth it. So this thinking is like the mind or rather I would prefer the subconscious way of trying to do anything that is dangerous or self-harm. 

However, as we grow up, coupled with societal pressures and survival needs, the subconscious starts to be way more protective and start to become like a negative lens of vetting and eventually one feels that there is a lack of choices and that life is pretty much fixed and nothing can be changed. In reality, the truth is way further than that, we have way more choices than we think. 

The book tries to get the reader to harness the thoughts rather than spend energy on thinking\ruminating on negative things that had happen as the subconscious will bring these negative things as a way to reaffirm why one should avoid doing things. And when these negative incidents were brought up, naturally the negative emotions follow and then that's where chronic depression starts. 

Recently, I have been trying to classify my mind's chatter into Thoughts and Thinking. So I will say to myself that this is a Thought and if I start to think and negative emotions start ebbing , I will know that this is ruminating and that I should stop. Naturally, no one can stop Thinking fully because one need to think about something but it should be neutral and from a rational point of view. It should not be riddled with negative emotions or maybe euphoria even which may mean a certain thing is over-hyped.. 

It happened again

Can't believe I broke down again because of work. Back in 2022, I learnt that when faced with tough and pushy clients and at that particular point of time I was facing my own stress because of popo case , I will just break down and abandon all decision making. I become very emotional and can't stop crying and not being able to breathe. A panic attack now that I know what's that call. In the end, I didn't resolve the stress part and I allow my innate negativity to take over which resulted in chronic depression. My blood pressure was on a constantly high levels, I don't smile anymore... I cried randomly. In the day, I just keep working and behaving nothing has happened because I told myself it's my internal issue. At night, I don't want to talk anything else except work because I needed an outlet.. cause cat to be unhappy. 

Even when I went to Sydney with the intention to take refuge and reset, it took me about 6 months after cutting off work before I started to heal. 

So for it to happen again, it kinda sucks because it was something that I tried to not let it happen. I knew that one day the pushy client that I have will push me over but I didn't expect in the end it was the combination of overload and overwhelm followed by the daily arguements with the client that did me in. 

I didn't wanted to come back to IR because of the fast paced timeline and also pushy clients. So I was reassured of these issues by my VP. But as in all corporate cases, nothing goes according to plan. I found myself no middle managers to rely on help, pace of client faster than my own, getting push here and there. Initially it was alright, I managed to tidy up a client and I thought I should be doing fine. Until I was passed a very pushy client and then everything went down hill.

It also goes to show that truly I am not fit for IR or rather a client servicing role. And I have to accept that because last time I hated ops. So to be honest, fund execution was the best of both world... I don't face client but I face internal Front office and I handle a bit of the back office. It was transactional, once I m done for the day it's done . I don't worry what the next day will bring because I truly don't know. Unless it's an incident or smthg . I solve a problem then I move on. Over here, I solve one problem, there will be another problem and another problem. If the client is cool, yeah that's good but once the client gets pushy and all..I became very worked up.

Tbh when I broke down, the next few days I went into depression mode and I am constantly willing myself to not get sick into the spiral of chronic depression. Because now every morning waking up is a battle against that side of me. I know my ability to work at the kind of pace before it happen have also decreased dramatically..I don't really want to feel emotions anymore...I just want to make sure I do my part that's all. I feel that I don't want to think whether any person will shoot me or make me feel bad or I worry what others will think anymore. 

Even now when I think about the heightened pace, my heart rate increase and I feel a bit of my stomach tightening.

Taking things for granted

After 10 days or so travelling with Cat's relatives throughout England, there are things that came to my mind.

1) It is really not easy raising a special needs kid

The effort and the attention that one needs to focus and watch over the child is really tough. Furthermore, in Asian society, where judgements are very easy to come by, being parents is as much physically as much as mentally. Seeing Manfred whom is 17 years old but the mindset is stuck at 10 years old, the over-reliance on the mother whom is getting older is very worrying especially for the outsiders like myself. Furthermore, due to the extreme stress, his dad is also unable to keep it together and leave it all to Manfred's mother to handle him.

These 10 days of travelling with the family, for me when I travel with him, the random loud noises and random marching around with little disregard for how society moves also make me more conscious about people views about us. I can see some people being afraid or being not happy that we are disturbing the peace and it kinda make me a bit embarrassed initially. But as time passes, I felt it less and I moved more towards to how can I keep the group in a position where we don't cause a commotion as well as not to disturb any others. Luckily, for England being a western society which are more inclusive, people are generally understanding and don't shoot as many judging looks as compared to an Asian society.

When he was dancing to loud music in the streets like randomly, a guy passed by and praised his dancing and Manfred was so happy. I am sure in Singapore or other Asian countries, we will be met with either people dissing or maybe potentially getting whacked. Of course not saying that it will definitely happen but the chances are higher in Asia I reckon.

2) A powerful passport; a home and a job to pay off bills.

Throughout the trip, I was trying to teach her aunts and uncle on things with travelling in Europe countries and being careful when going out at certain time. I realize that in a way at times I was nagging as well as trying to protect them from being targeted if any. It kinda dawns on me that I am aware of these because of watching content on youtube as well as being real privilege in travelling to many countries. To experience so many things and cultures in the countries that I visited. My so-called sabbatical in Sydney also opens up my eyes to how things work and how we can respond. Looking at various homeless around England and us eating at restaurants almost on a daily basis just makes me feel like we are way more privilege than so many people around the world. For most Europeans or people that I met, taking a long flight out is like a once in 3 years event or only if they are moving across countries. However, us Singaporeans, are already like clocking least twice long distance flights( anything above 5 hours) a year?

3) Grass is always greener on the other side.

On the first night in Manchester, Cat's fourth aunt asked whether I would consider staying in UK, SYD or SNG. Naturally, I rank SNG,SYD then the UK last. Otherwise, we won't be back in SG anyways. So she mention that the rest of the aunts want to move out of HK because of the political uncertainty and that HK is no longer what it once was due to the political scene being more and more stifled. If I am a younger person, yes I do think its better to move away but being so senior and physically not as mobile, is it wise to move due to feeling oppressed ? I am not too sure. Of course, I am not a hongkonger so I can never fully understand why being politically free is so important and my practical side of me as a singaporean just feel that being in HK, least its familiar surroundings and for the next 10 years or so the government will take care of you although maybe not as well I would think but least its familiar surroundings. Now going over to a cold and unfamiliar place, which are definitely not senior citizen friendly and no sense of familiarity, is it worth it ? I don't know but who knows, a change of environment will make one feel less tense and the body will then recover.

4) Money is not everything but it helps to buy comfort

So during this trip, after the driving experience, there had been a lot of unexpected costs and parking fees which result in more monies being spent. In the past, I am sure my parents would have not been happy in paying such fees and all and that I should have been more careful. Cat's uncle made this comment that don't have to worry as long as money can solve the problem. It kinda hits me that having money is like a cushion to soften any unintended circumstances. So because we have money we can remove the worry about not being able to pay for the fees and eventually maybe being dealt with a criminal charge. So in that context, we don't put all of life for money because its just for future comfort but at the same time, we should strive more if possible and to be more intentional with spending so to build up the cushion.                                       

5) We are all just traumatized individuals.

Regardless of where any human being is being raised, we are all being impacted by our childhood and our early environment following our formative years and then eventually adult working life. Only when one is old enough and reaches a sense of wisdom, will one realize the various follies as well as the reason why things had happened. Hearing about Cat's aunts and uncle history just make me think about their growing up environment and their prime years, it just make me so much more empathetic and understanding why people do the things they do. By being able to understand that , it makes me feel much calmer and understand that people are not inherently bad or rude and most of the time, it has nothing to do with yourself. It will be beneficial if we all know our triggers and restrain ourselves before performing any emotionally driven action. Maybe more relationships can be saved that way and families might stayed together and thus reducing the trauma on to future generations. 

Random Mish Mash

 So recently, I have been coming across articles or Youtube videos about having a life outside of work. I think it is pretty important that we all have something else besides work that dominates our life. I mean unless of course, your career is no longer considered work, then it's a different story. 

Been listening to an audiobook titled 4000 Weeks by Oliver Burkeman, where the gist is that we all should be intentional with every hour that we have. Couple with all the doom scrolling and time spent dwelling in Negative thoughts, or even doing things that one may not agree with but social norms dictate so, all these actually takes up our 4000 weeks of our life. Not only the short time span we have, everyday we face the possibility of ending up with less than 4000 weeks or even so 0 weeks. So not only we have to be intentional, we have to also approach things that we might never be able to have any time in the future. There is only so much things that you can put things off until you have more time. In a nutshell, don't waste time on things that don't create any value to your life. 

Random fact. Do you know that I am like a closet singer ? haha...because I never like to sing in front of people or a large crowds. But at home, I like to just turn on Youtube and sing to songs that I vibe with. Mostly J-pop or K-pop, not mandarin songs though..haha So recently been rediscovering Utada Hikaru. Oh and also I recently like to listen to Jazz and Lo-Fi music. 

 I know that since the start of the year, I kept harping to Oscar( MNL team) that I want to be promoted and be a supervisor since I also want to catch up to the rest of my own team as well as I also want the extra money with the house upcoming. In the end, I think the team decide to hire an external supervisor and now I have to also train her a bit. So in the end, its a bit like I don't think I will have an opening for supervisor again because of how lean the team is. I don't think there will be any more promotions for the year to be honest. Regardless on how well I do, but maybe I can show more supervisor stuffs but I cant see why I should do extra things and in the end its not rewarded. I probably will raise it up to my AVP during one on ones...but at least I tried that path. So now my target is more like, hopefully I can get a pay raise..that's the minimum I hope I can get.

Probably should start looking for other roles as well. 

So far, the vibe in Citco is not as bad as BNP when it was towards the end. But now with the upcoming house and I see that Cat is finding it much tougher at work, I do want to have a higher pay but of course not at the expense of my mental health. I think if I sacrifice my mental health, the overall costs will be higher. 

So lets see how life takes me. 

Snippets after seemingly an overly charged General Elections

I never really fully connect with the whole charged environment about elections with different political parties trying to rile up the people. Like you feel that people are not happy with the current incumbent and that it feels like the masses would rather have popular policies right now and to forgo the future. Also, like based on the rally turnouts and the comments online that it feels that the PAP has lost the middle income group of the populations. I personally don't feel like the current group of ministers are that bad or rather it felt like this group were more on the ground then previous governments ; it might be a generational thing I don't know so when I hear or see such comments online, it was pretty alarming to me.

Even though I don't stay at Punggol but hearing good stuffs about Sun Xue Ling and of course if DPM Gan is really that important, I don't think it's worth sacrificing these 2 for additional 4 opposition voices but well weirder things have happened in the world, so one never knows. As the time goes by, it kinda dawn on to me that since I have no control over what goes on there, in the end, regardless whether this election turns either direction, its up to myself to figure a way out to survive and thrive in such a society. Of course if my ideal scenario plays out, then its good but if the worst case scenario plays out, then its up to myself to adapt and survive. I feel that maybe in life in general, I should be more confident about my skills and adaptability. I will also free up more mental space in my mind and not be in a constant flight or fly phase.

Of course, in the end, the silent majority is still happy with the current incumbent and unlike other countries, whatever we hear on the street or online or rallies, it doesn't translate to votes. 

A lot of times, during past elections or when things don't really end up as what I had hope, I always will think that the worst thing has happened and that I should double down and be more wary about each turns and twists going forward. Or maybe I will feel that I need to just look elsewhere and give up hope on whatever current plans that we have. 

A sudden shock to life

 I did a random search and realized that in my blog 2.23% of my blog posts contain the word "Death". It's not a lot I guess which is a good thing ? lol...but it also goes to show that in my life so far, I have encountered death here and there. Especially with both sides of my grandparents passing and maybe things have changed drastically thus I link it to death. 

So last Wednesday, suddenly Cheralyn called for a quick call across all IR branches to announce that Garan who is Priyanka's ( my boss) husband had passed away. Garan also worked in Citco but much earlier than Pri so I had known Garan since 2022 onwards. But to be fair, I hardly work with him because he is a VP then and I was just a junior level. 

Then on the 4th April, we had a team bbq and that was the first time I had met him and shook his hands as well. It was very sudden that he had just passed away while in Manila and also when Dak just went over and came back. I remembered his kids who were so close to him especially his daughter, it just broke my heart to know that his son and daughter will never ever see him ever again. And they are so young as well. 

I don't know what happen as none of the management had told us what is the true cause of death, but I understand that they are not local and probably are Canadians. So, I don't know I mean it must have been  real hard for Pri to carry on in Singapore but at the same time, the kids are kinda used to here as well. 

In the face of death and all, it also make me feel humbled and all. Like when Hannah's fund client was being unreasonable and I had slightly raise my voice at them and yet harbour such anger and worry over their requests. 

It just made me goes like what is the point? I mean for both of our ends, what's the point for them to push for things until this extent ? what's the point for me being scared and worry about them ? what's the point for them being so rude over emails ? what's the point for them to keep calling us as if we are the only ones servicing them ?what's the point for myself to be angry at them ?

In light of someone being alive and full of vigor , only to just suddenly disappear from the face of the earth, what is the point of engaging in all these negative and useless emotions ? It makes me think everytime when I hear people being pushed to the edge in life and work, it just makes me think why would anyone just do that? Unless that person just being unable to emphasize and understand that such small actions can destroy somebody. I mean from another point of view, is also for the person subjected to these pain, to try to disengage but frankly, who is fully able to ? There will always be an impact no matter how small it is .

What it takes to be live in Singapore?

 https://dmnews.com/jus-what-no-one-tells-you-about-rebuilding-your-life-in-a-high-performance-city-like-singapore/

Just found this article online and I thought it was the German News Outlet but it's DM news and not DW news(Deutsche Welle News if anyone is interested to know). After reading through it and it also really resonates with me quite a bit because I had came back from a 1.5 years long break as well and from a much slower pace country back to a high performing country like Singapore. I probably have mentioned quite a couple of times the reasons we are back. However, I feel that this article captures those underlying thoughts that were just barely simmering below under the currents in my mind. 

1.The Dream of Many is to go to a slower paced country and live out one's life there.

Having been to Sydney and technically not working for a year and a half. One actually goes through like different stages of life. So initially ,I love the feeling of having the control of my time back to me. Mornings are walking the dog after dropping Cat off at work, playing Zelda and doing 2*exercises in the day before fetching wife back from work. Started to do lots of baking and readings and deep insights into one's self. Being mindful and all. Technically, I didn't expect myself to nua as long as I did but I am glad that I allowed myself because a main issue with my mental state was a lot to do that I keep telling myself I should not do this or that(ie. the SG society expectations is very strong in my mind). 

However, there will be a time which eventually hit me sometime in February 2024 where that there is a gnawing need for me to move forward and somehow Sydney doesn't feel like the place that is able to move forward. Even though its the country leading financial centre, but due to the laws and policies in place, the state or even the country as a whole feels like it is stagnant and that to find the political will to push ahead with projects, be it in the public sector or the private sector, just feels so tough. Projects don't get completed in time, get delayed, too high a budget in the end it's get abandoned only to be revisited in a couple of years. You see the inefficiency here?

I think moving to a slower pace of life society does allow one to heal and say find one's true self. Of course, there are some who determine that the true self is one that wishes to not progress at such a fast pace and prioritize the work life balance more. Hence, they stayed. But if one's true self is to be part of a society that moves forward, then it will be better to be in Singapore. 

Like the author, probably as an expat, I don't really feel like I am a part of the society in Sydney, like I don't believe Australians will ever accept me in their society because one is the race and the other is like I know that the stay is a short term. So to say that, to fully migrate over and build our life in Sydney or Melbourne, we never really felt at home in Australia. Like many others, we are here to stay short term and eventually will leave. 

2. Being in Singapore, one has to learn how to protect one's soul

Like the author had mentioned, behind the monetary rewards, the convenience of things, the efficiency of the country, there is quite a serious lack of feeling. It is as if it's a sin to feel like you need a break and do nothing, or its a sin if you are doing something that is outside society's norms. In general, as singaporeans, we tend to think that we don't have any agency or control being in this country. The truth is that we do have a lot of agency in life, it was due to the need for discipline and structure in the 60s, 70s and even 80s  where the country needs those traits for their citizens. Now when we are more educated and have a certain standard of living, we are moving away from the dullness and efficiency that a manufacturing economy needs and to a knowledge based one which demands more creativity and innovation. With those traits we will require the kind of freedom of expression and creativity that comes from the citizens having some level of agency in life. 

I truly believe that once one finds that inner belief or true self, then will that person be able to thrive in Singapore. Like the author mentioned, Singapore is not really a place that allows one to take a break and heal, it is doable but difficult. The country is like a test, a test whether one can survive in such an environment and with that, it is a test if an individual is able to stay true with one's self and thus thrive in this society. 

To be able to find the right balance of being one's true self, away from the talk of putting more hours , away from the talk of work life balance. At the end of the day it is the everyday waking up and being aligned with one's values and being engaged and not like a cog in a wheel. 

3.Living a Honest Life

I think this is a very used quote for some time already. But maybe in this context, it is not in the usual way. So living a honest life, is to a live a life that you are honest with your true self. Does every action you take is the one that you want to undertake? It could be the wrong or right action but is it the one that you will take even if you had to do it all again ? Of course, no one can be 100% honest so the thing is for one to strive to be as honest as possible. There are times where due to societal norms, you cannot do something and that's fine as long as at that point of time, you acknowledge it and say " I don't want to do this but I acknowledge that now is not the time for me to choose this way, hence I will do it" rather than " I don't want to do it but I shall be the one to tank this hit, to be the sacrificial lamb"

A bad start and end to the day

 Today at the end of the day at work, I was sent into a deep spiral of despair. There had been this PE fund that the client is very unreasonable and uptight which kinda make me have some kind of PTSD. I mean I only handle like a few items but the client is really uptight about so many things and regardless of what we tell them, it just never seems enough. 

To me, this fund just trigger a very deep negative emotion to it. So today after office hours the FA tries to get me to work on their request even though its not my fund, I just panic because Hannah whom is the fund owner had already left home. I tried to push back but the FA insist that we should be looking at it. Then it just trigger a whole of negative emotions...I was just cursing all the way. In the end, I had to ask my VP to step in because I don't think this report can be out by the same day. 

A lot of the negative emotions come in, like why do people not understand that other parties have issues and will take time to settle. How come one push until like that ? Why do people keep pushing others without a thought? Does it mean that only if something bad happen then you say sorry ? I don't get it at all. I think that's the thing that throughout so long I feel that a lot of times I cannot understand why people just keep pushing people. Why people cannot see each other as part of a greater thing ? If every party plays their part, things will be so much better...if people can emphasize, I am sure productivity will improve as well...albeit at a slower pace but still progressing nonetheless.

I guess to me, I am more in the camp of growth slower but productivity increases. When people feel more engaged and valuable, then will they be inclined to produce better results.  

Maybe I just treat work too personal...or maybe its I just dislike the fact that people imposes their will on you and be unreasonable that just trigger all these emotions in me. 

Maybe truly I am not suited for client servicing. I think after so long, the thing that still irks me the most is people who don't consider the other parties lives and just impose their wills on to them. Unfortunately, that's how things work here in Asian societies. 

Look forward and not backwards

 life is so unfair to me Gene.

This Whatsapp came through on Monday late night from my uncle. I guess the rain and the night and possibly drinks ? had gotten to my Uncle's mind again. It leads me to think for about 45 mins how to reply to him. I went through different iterations from being forceful to explain things to just being philosophical. Decided went with the philosophical mode, ended up with a 3 paragraph...lol

He replied that he cannot think that way and that the world is all against him. I know that I will be affected a bit by his mentality due to my HSP tendencies, so I decided to just go and sleep so I can recharge myself and see how to reply to him. I can empathize but I also feel that I don't want to continue to indulge in his notion that the world did him dirty. Besides it has already been 2 years, the time spent wallowing and  replaying the past is far too long. It's like being trapped in this constant loop and never getting out, while the world has moved on and you are just stagnant. Just thinking about it is really scary, it is like constantly living and replaying the same situation again and again. Kinda like the Izanami technique used in Naruto, it's just constant hell, just keep replaying over again and again. Ironically, like in the anime, the only way to break Izanami, is to just accept one's fate. Accept that we cannot change that reality. If not, then it will keep replaying until you accept your fate. 

Hmm, I think that life whether in good times or bad times, unfair stuffs always happen. I think it really depends on how we see it or react to it. I think if we can see that life is neither fair nor unfair, then we will realise a lot of things happened in life for a reason. So good things/bad things that already happened can be due to our actions , other people actions or even a combination of both parties actions 

It is never purely because one side is correct and the other side is wrong. I feel that we have to recognize that both sides probably made mistakes and that it eventually leads to the current situation. Or even lets say one strike lottery, it can only happen because one made the effort to buy the 4D ticket. So there is always an action before a reaction. I feel if you can understand that, then you will feel that the unfairness part of life will slowly go away because there isn’t really anything that is fair or unfair in life. In life, there are only actions and reactions, cause and effect. So the idea of fair or unfair is just something that is being created by our emotions. 

Sad to say, relying on emotions are not exactly a good way to live in life. But, being humans we also cannot avoid being emotionless. In the end, it is about acceptance I feel. Whenever I go thru life events that probably make me feel bad, hurt, angry, sad …I go thru those feelings...and most of the time, at the end of it, I still end up at acceptance. Only once we have acceptance then we can have peace.

Well the above is what I replied to him. Actually, the other day at Keyang's place, met up with the guys after a long period of time, saw Ben Song and I felt that he was a bit emo. Like the topics he brought up were pretty depressing and I felt that he seems to have gone through some realization as well. Overheard he talk about being impacted by his parents' past actions which actually lead us all to be who we are and how it kinda programmed us to react in a certain way. 

He asked me so what had I figured out between the old me and the new me since I got back from Sydney. I think there has been a lot of changes but I guess the one big thing that I take away is that we are always in control of our lives and there are always options. However, I did not tell Ben that, instead I just share one of the many things that I think about while in Sydney. Was that I had always want to portray myself in a certain way because I wanted society to see myself in a certain way. Of course, this will come crumbling down once your inner self suddenly don't resonate with what you try to portray yourself. Maybe you can convince yourself for some time, but once the confidence gets a hit, it will just be like a house of cards. So I told Ben that in Aussie, people don't really judge you and basically just don't really care whatever you want to do. " You do You" thats what they say. Whereas in Singapore or most Asian societies, you are always hearing you should do this or you should do that, why are you just wasting your time away...well all those sort of things. Eventually all these comments just become a spectre that hover around me until I always believe that I should do/feel/think in such a way. 

I used to care a lot of those kinda things but then I realise that it doesn't really matter. It's just a spectre, it cannot physically impact unless I let it impact me mentally. Being away from Singapore society, allows me to have a quiet time to myself , away from expectations and all. 

After realising that, I think the next level is to allow yourself to do things that resonate with yourself. Only with the external and internal selves aligned, both resonating with each other then it will no longer be a house of cards but a house made of bricks that are held together with concrete. 

I didn't make it that far with Ben on that topic, but I hope he will figure it out and be at peace with it. He should be able to because I know he is that kind that won't give up. I hope my uncle will be able to pull through and not give up, I feel that the only way he is to find his peace , is to accept and then fight back. Fight back and reclaim the control in his life, to rage against the gods and show that whatever life throws at him, he will take it. Even if he cannot do it, least that he has tried and that is something he should be proud with. Well I guess that's my take on it but I hope he looks forward and not backwards soon.  

Lumina Grand

 

It felt like back in Jan 2019 where we got this place in Senja, Bukit Panjang. Well, I honestly prefer to be nearer to my parents in Buangkok then, but the prices there were untenable. I mean it is still possible but I think at that point of time Bukit Panjang, struck me as a place where the properties will be cheaper. So, I decided to follow the basic principle which is to be near one side of the parents. Saw a couple of properties. 7 properties in total, and then we chanced upon this one. It's what Cat has always wanted because of the location, I mean its really God like you know. A direct bus to orchard, 30 mins train ride to town or to the west side of Jurong East , direct trains to work for both of us. By car is still only about 35 mins to my parents place. 

Honestly, initially I was skeptical because the prices were really steeped and we ended paying COV as well. Also, I didn't like that we were beside a core road as well as the LRT track just right down our place. The living room was not too bad , pretty alright but yeah it's kinda noisy. At the same time, I was probably tired of trying to look for other properties, though I now know it is not as many as other people did. I probably don't really feel as grateful for this house in the first 3 years as compared to now, mainly due to my depression and negativity back then. I was hung up on a lot of things and frankly I couldn't really envision that I would be able to stay in a Condo or a private property. Well but here we are, I mean it's not hard in stone yet because still pending HDB approval and frankly we need to save much more money before the TOP. 

Similarly with Lumina Grand, it has the same vibes as when we got this house. It's a place that Cat likes it a lot but one that I am not really convinced by. I didn't like the location and the way the buildings are so close to each other . So we were more interested in the other EC which is called Novo Place which would have put it right in Tengah area( although it's really the far end, nearer to Jurong East then Tengah). I personally prefer that as well because the distance between the blocks are further and that the whole estate aesthetically looks to be developed better. Downside is the lack of carparks and probably the layout is just decent only. 

So we tried the first stage balloting phase, but we couldn't get a unit because of the second timer limit (30%). Then we were offered this unit at Lumina Grand which was bounced out as Lumina Grand launch was in Jan 2024 which we can't qualify for and we were in Sydney. Developer didn't increase the price when it was released back into the market and at that point of time, I wasn't really comfortable with the place and it was also west sun facing, which in Sydney had experienced before, it's alright in winter but in Singapore weather, No thanks. I remember Ronald, Cat's brother thinks from an investment point of view, if we don't take it, it is crazy...because of the stringent procedures for EC and also the element of luck plays a lot in getting an EC. So if there is one that is right in front of ya, you should just take it. However, a part of me felt that there is something at Novo place, and if we never even tried, then I felt that we will never know if there is a chance to get that instead. 

The second ballot came, and we tried and...frankly it was pretty disappointing, we were way behind the numbers and the unit that we wanted were all gone. Earlier I did mention to our agent that if we get nothing from Novo, we are going straight into Lumina Grand. Coincidentally, the unit was still available all this while, for 2 to 3 weeks, no one went for it. Like Cat and the agent also mention, if it's yours, it's yours. Then it became a mad rush to put in the down payment and to get the paper work done. I guess most probably there are others as well, all decided to wait until after Novo Place 2nd timer ballot. Luckily, we manage to get it over the line. 

So here we are, with the largest asset purchase of our lives, and it's one that is definitely as of now, currently punching above our weight and a bit is dependent on us earning more so to least cover some Reno costs. Of course, we also factor in a car that's why its so tight , because frankly this place with no car is really inconvenient. 

I do want to mention that it is within the 1km to ACS primary which was another reason we went for it. The good school effect is very much still strong in Singapore. 

Yeah this is the story behind it. I didn't have an entry for this house back in 2019 but I guess this one hits different so it deserves an entry here. 

How life just zoom past

 It's time for another update, I don't know if this will be the last post for the year. Maybe. So I am back for awhile now and that I really felt that I never really left Singapore after all this time. Well, 18 months to be exact. It still feels surreal that I was living an expat life in Sydney just 6 months ago. How strange that it felt like a long time ago. 

I still can remember the particular corners and traffic lights when I drive to fetch Cat to and fro from work. The cold weather hitting my face especially during the winter time, the vast openness of their parks where Marly was able to run free without her leash and will always respond to us when we called her. She was so calm last time and unlike in SG where she is always triggered and will keep barking. And of course, my trusty Toyota Corolla aka Tofu, I wonder how he is doing now. Weird that I am treating an inanimate object as an animated one. 

So, it has already been just over a month since I started work. Quite a couple of things had happened, I mean outside of work also...work had been quite alright to be honest. The pace is much slower than when I started at Hedge Fund and maybe because I had already been used to the system and all, I pretty much got up to speed with the systems at a much faster time as compared to my very first joining them from BNP. I think this time around, maybe it's just me or not, but  I feel that there is added pressure since it was Steph who had reached out to get me back and of course Cheralyn as well. Then I seemed to like know quite a bit of the AVPs and the bigger bosses that I felt that maybe my other teammates would have treated me differently. However, I don't feel that's the case, so I think I am lucky. I still hang out with my old teammates quite frequently especially for lunch and all. I guess the Private Equity Team is small so people like Hannah got her own clicque but Bavani is usually alone though she seems ok with being alone. It's kinda a bit hard to like in my old team where we click pretty good together. Probably it is just me thinking too much again. In a nutshell, I think so far work has been pretty alright and it's just getting up to speed and to achieve my goal of getting promoted to Supervisor by the next end of the year. I think this time round I am back, I felt that I had to move fast and keep getting promoted because of course I had taken the time off back in Sydney and also about the 3 year period that the Fengshui master had told me that this 3 years is going to be the years where everything will be smooth and that I had to make the most of it. After that, it's not gonna be as good already. So it's like, it's all or nothing. 

So the other big change that I had mentioned earlier in this post was also the reason why I need to get my promotions. Is that both Cat and Me had gotten a Penthouse EC at Bukit Batok which cost ridiculous money , it really stretch our finances nearly to the max. It is not impossible but it will definitely push us to our limits. So the days of free spending the past 5 years, means that we need to tighten the wallets more. So the only way to get back to those days, is to up our pay. Cat says her salary is pretty much flat the next few years unless she get fast tracked to Partnership, so it's just up to me now. I think in PE team, I don't know if there will ever be 2 AVPs , now there is only 1 and this 1 has been in the position for a very long time. But there are definitely vacant positions for Supervisor, so my goal is to get one of those positions and that will increase my pay. 

I mean if you follow my past entries, I had always mentioned that I don't like this corporate ladder climbing, like if its get to political, I don't like it. Right now, I see that least up to VP level here, doesn't feel like there is any politics. Not saying that there wont be , but it feels like it. The Fengshui master also got mention that I don't do well in a planning kind of role aka higher management like C-suite. Do I aspire to be that ? Well I know that from the beginning I never really am interested in it. So as long as my role is not those planning kind , more of the hands on and more transactional kind, not those boring data entries kind then I will do well in them. It kinda reminds me why I actually thrived in certain customer servicing roles, like in IRAS and in BNP where I faced the different RMs. I like roles when people look to me as a problem solver , so that's kinda my interest. Frankly, here in Citco, I dont really like the long term prospects because more and more work are being moved to India and Manila. I think it will eventually be like an exclusive team of Singaporeans that will be working with not increasing much head count unless more biz is earned or if the clients specifically mention that they want Singaporeans and the not the offshore team(s). That will also mean how much higher can fees be raised , since Singaporeans are expensive and that the offshore teams are way much cheaper( I just learnt that a VP in Manila earns twice as less as me a Senior Officer). 

Well I guess that I probably need to head to another kind of direction, but in the meantime, I need to secure my promotion by the end of 2025. That's definitely my goal for the year. 

A lesson for us all on being kind to everyone including ourselves

So I believe I had mentioned before in my previous posts about my uncle david from my dad's side who is going through a very bad time. With his divorce or separation and also to deal with the aftermath of the fallout between our second uncle and himself which is like a sore wedge between all the brothers. 

TL:DR during Ah Ma passing that period, it seems that my uncle David was also going through a separation between my auntie and himself and also that both my cousins decided to follow my auntie. During that period, my second uncle, being his usual egotistic and insensitive self, kept trying to get my uncle David to do some things for him and also bypassing command and contacting my cousin directly. At the same time, with his temper as well as his insensitive comments eventually push uncle David over the edge( at that same time, he was facing his separation issue), and cause my uncle David to implode that he tried to literally punch him. So ever since then, there is always this thing between uncle David and the rest of the uncles, including my dad. Of course, we are all worried for him because it seems like he has lost the will to live , to move forward. His front teeth dropped out and he didn't go to fix it, he is not getting enough sleep for 2 years, his views of the world are all dark and slightly warped. He mentioned that he just went home and then zoned out, kept crying then started the day all over again. His health also went downhill with Shingles and also fainted at home, with no one knowing that he fainted, only to regain consciousness again after a while(God knows how long). 

On the problem with my second uncle, it seems that at this rate, things probably will not be getting any better between all of them. But hopefully it will mellow and things can be better in the future but definitely not in the short term I believe. 

On the problem with his marriage, I feel that whatever happens in the past, was something that can be avoided but unfortunately, at the end of the day, if it failed , it failed. So last week, we 3 kids met up with Uncle David to listen and to advise him but end of the day, if he feels that there is no way forward in that end. For us kids, so be it because ultimately we cannot advise too much without knowing the context but based on our marriage experience(s), what happened in the past could be mitigated and there is still a chance to reconcile in our opinion. However, like I say, we don't know the full context so maybe he had tried but my auntie is an absolute no. I would like to think that's not the case and I really wanted to know what my auntie thinks. Sadly, my uncle feels that if we sound her out then there is a possibility that we may disturb the current dynamics such that my auntie won't ever want to meet up with him or rather allow their daughters to meet up with him anymore. Unfortunately, that option is closed to me but my intuition or curiosity feel that if I meet up with Auntie then there might be something I could help in a way, maybe not be the bridge between them but more of guiding them to understand my uncle personality and for him to want to change. Anyways, I don't really have a clue what actually happened that caused my auntie to go down this route, is it the constant negativity or is it he did something wrong. 

Because I was also pretty similar with my uncle for a period of time and I am sure I had made Cat feel really unhappy in the relationship. The situation that got me thinking was that one day Cat had suddenly woken up from a dream and cried that I will leave her because it feels like she was the one that make me unhappy. All along I thought that she was the one not happy with me but when it became apparent that I was the one making her unhappy, it kinda trigger a change in my mindset that I need to recognize and acknowledge that all along I was the problem.

Maybe it also seems to coincide with me reading about imposter syndrome and pulling away from work anxiety issues that also allows me to take a step back and acknowledge where things are going or maybe like the fengshui winds are changing for the better. But I got a better understanding of my mindset and on how to move forward. 

It is scary personally because I feel that both my uncle and I have the same kind of personality and that there were so many similarities in how we perceive things. I think what kinda saved me from spiralling every deeper was that Cat was more patient and held on longer and also probably I was pulled away from the unseen pressures of being in Singaporean Society. Once abroad, one's perspectives will changed and that one will realise that society at large is pretty big and that actually we are pretty much always in control of what we do and think. There are other ways of living life and that the world is a very big place. I know that I am privileged to be able to travel to many places by my age and also the opportunity to live abroad albeit a short period of time. So I know that there are possible many people who don't or unable to have the opportunity to do so. Hopefully, for them they are able to find their peace wherever they are in life. For my uncle, I had wished that when I am back, I would be able to help him better as I now see things a bit differently and that I also have the emotional capacity to do so but alas, his divorce and separation had happened while I was not at the right stage of mind and also when I was far away in Sydney. 

It is unfortunate that not many people understand HSPs and how they work and comprehend things, also within HSPs there are many different kind of mindsets and characters which lead them to do what they do. Luckily there are more information online for people like us but it is still up to us on how to set ourselves up for society as currently in Singapore Society, I do not believe that it is ready for HSPs nor society really know how to handle us at our worsts. 

Back to my Uncle David case, I hope that he will be able to find his peace and his motivation in life because he is only 51 or so and that still have a good second part of life to carry on. I am not sure if he has an underlying belly of fire, I know that for me, once I am at an absolute bottom, maybe some show or something will kickstart a fight in me and will rage against the world and to continue to fight back so to get my life back. I feel that I get that from my mom, but I'm not sure if my uncle has that in it because it feels like for quite a few phases of life, he ran away from a challenge. Although right now he is raging against my second uncle for his insensitivity and unfair treatment but to what avail, I feel that his anger is targeted at a spectre and not at what life throws at him. 

At a junction

 I think it has always been a recurring theme for awhile, or maybe not, but I feel that I am unsure what direction to take. So now am back in Singapore and the big boss of Investor Relations(IR) for Citco in Singapore got reached out to me and asked if I am interested in going back because there is an available one that will be available soon in IR. I didn't really make any announcements on my socials since I decided to stop posting on my own IG profile as I didn't want to be constantly on IG anymore except for Marly's profile. It was Wen Da, one of my ex-colleagues that reached out and also told the big boss about me coming back. 

I always feel that I am unsure about going back to IR because for whatever reason, be it luck or be it my mental state was not stable during that period of time, it was not a happy and enjoyable work for me. I like my colleagues and I would say they are probably the best work colleagues I had ever. No politics and people helping out one and another and no like discrimination. Well, unless one is pretty cui when it comes to maintaining relationships. It was great. 

However I feel that the work was draining and I am usually dreading it on some mornings and being just indifferent when going to work om better days. Of course, not to say that  I didn't give it my all as I definitely put in some OTs and late nights and did my best in solving situations as much as possible. However, the long hours and probably things to cover still linger in my head. 

My colleagues and bosses all feel that  I do a good job but I always feel otherwise. Maybe it's the Imposter Syndrome that impaired me before hence I feel that way. Even so, when I try to visualize now in the future back at IR, I think I will still feel the anxiety and the fact that as a middle man, maintaining or trying to push other teams to deliver while I wait as something that I am not happy about. 

Of course, there is another voice which I name it as the Practical Singaporean voice, which says that if you have a role opened for you why don't you take it since it's something that you had done before and you can do well with the money as well. If it's not what you want, then least you still got money while you carrying on with your search for another job.

To which another thought comes up and says that if OT is the norm, will I be able to have the energy and time to look/learn or to even switch industries ? 

I think it's clear to say that I am not 100% with the role as I come to realise that I like to work on projects, to value add, to create things. For example, in MF execution back in BNP, the time I took on top of my BAU to create a macro that can fully automate extraction of data, reformatting data and in the end drafting the data into an email before a user review and release to the appropriate Front Office as my most proud thing in my career that I ever created. Back in Settlements, I used combination of Excel formulas to reformat blotter and to extract data so to reconcile them as something that I enjoyed creating and when it came into fruition, it is very satisfactory.

In Citco, there wasn't much data to be playing around though I did spend time to create step by step guides for myself and also shared with the new teammates from time to time. Other than that, there wasn't much opportunity to create things as mainly do things as a middle man, and following up where the respective BAUs are, providing the information to investors/clients. Finding information among the shared drives to understand what was being done previously, liasing with the clients on items they require and on things that they want us to do. I guess the part whereby liaising internally to get things done was in a way enjoyable as well, a bit reminiscing of MF execution where I will reach out to SECM for codes, FO to let them know on things and to take orders from them, ensuring that things are done. It's nice chatting with people from other department and understanding more on what they do and what they can't do and with that I can gauge on what sort of solution I can provide.

Cat thinks that a project manager role might be suitable for me because I like to interact with internal stakeholders more so than external stakeholders who tend to be a little pushy since they are the ones paying the company. Which I think in a way, yes, though like after what my studies with data analytics, I realise that domain knowledge is very important when it comes to analytics or even project management, so the worry is that which industry to head to with my current experience and what do I need to learn to enter the industry?

Another thing Cat thought of was to be an entrepreneur since I like to create solutions but I never really see myself as one who can run business. I think maybe I am more of like a handyman, just providing solutions , giving support to someone who can face external clients that's all. Just like in gaming, just provide support,  I don't like to be the one who tank. 

My mum also got mentioned that I shouldn't close the day to Citco and see if they are able to provide a role that has that aspect of creating or like such projects based items. If they don't have such a role now but maybe later ? I feel that in Investor Relations, the main BAU is as a middle man, providing information and while facing the stress of pleasing a client, am not too sure if such a role will have capacity or space for projects to solve existing efficiency problems.

Also, I just realise randomly that I don't like to be rushed into things and I like to do things at my own speed which of course is not ideal for a client facing role. Not saying that I will take my own sweet time but don't like the feeling of being pressured.

So yeah this is what I am currently feeling about. 

New habits and processes in life

 Well, I was supposed to be regularly blogging ain't I ? Somehow I didn't really crave out any time for it. Where should I start?...Hmm....maybe some more mundane updates on some new habits or things that I had been up to recently. 

For starters, I started listening to a lot more audio books, as I usually spend 1 hr minimum fetching Cat to work and back as well as bringing Marly to the nearby parks. Rather than listening to music, a productivity youtuber named Ali Abdaal recommends audiobooks. In the past, I had denounce audiobooks as something that is not like actual books and that I cannot remember things that I hear compare to reading. While it's still true, but Ali made an interesting comment that one can listen to audiobooks and decide if a book is worth getting especially those non-fiction kinds. At the same time, one can also be exposed to certain ideas and concepts in the book. Even if its fiction books that we are listening and is read by a good reader, it can be really enjoyable. Coupled with the free Libby app by NLB, it's a great way to sample a book and also to be expose to some ideas while doing boring stuff like driving or even hanging clothes or maybe cleaning the toilet. Going forward, while back in SG, I hope to listen to more and continue to evolve and change my mindset. 

Another thing is I probably stop posting any more IG stuffs. Previously I had always open IG and scroll mindlessly and eventually it kinda suck up a lot of my time. Now I only keep Marly's IG(@its.marlygurl) open so that I can post stuffs about Marly. Also I realise that the Algo kinda just pick up whatever you spend like 10 seconds or if you click or search a certain category and will keep recommending you that. So, it kinda just turned me off also and also I don't want people to know what I am doing and which stage of life I am, in a way, it keeps me away from judgement and societal biases. 

Another is taking voice notes, sometimes while driving or thinking out loud at home, a thought or idea came to my mind, rather than typing or writing down. I record a conversation that I will have with myself and to review it at a later time. Sometimes I don't really follow up on it and delete it, sometimes I thought it was useful and elaborate and save it on the cloud to access it another time. 

Having a To-do list that separates between projects, so that I can relieve the burden of constantly worrying on my mind about things that I had yet to do and schedule a time for me to act on it so that I won't forget at that point of time. 

Probably a thing that I want to rid myself off , is that I like to spend money on items, sometimes wants and sometimes needs and I would like to like get the best value for quality and in the end I would spend copious time on searching for the best price for the item. At times, it feels like it's the Singaporean Kiasu mindset and at times it does feel like a penny wise pound foolish scenario. I do enjoy the research component when looking and comparing at brands based on their description and if their features fit into my lifestyle, but once that's done, I will also start monitoring for price drops and then constantly restart the whole comparison process and eventually a lot of time is lost. Maybe, I should just do a 1 time good comparison and description of what I require and just leave it in the cloud. If it is a need, I can pull out or I can just look at the prices and determine if at that point of time, I need to get it or just wait a lil more. If its a want, I can probably just ignore it and probably set a reminder for another time to look into it again. I guess if I really need it, I would constantly think about it...if its a want, after some time, I will probably like nah....another time also can. 

I am my own salvation

 For a while recently, I have this notion in my head. Which is that I am pretty much this traumatized adult was because of my upbringing when I was a child. When I was younger, whenever I made mistakes or do something naughty, the consequences were pretty dire. For example, as I was at Popo house most of my childhood, so when I do something wrong at Popo house, I will be scolded by Popo. Then later in the evening, if Small Uncle was at home, I will be scolded also if it's something bad then later when I go home I will be scolded again by my Mum. Sometimes, uncle won't say anything but you know lah...when you do the wrong thing then the vibe is pretty bad so you will feel disappointed also. Then at home it will be scolded and worse case is either kneel in front of Guan Yin or get caned lo.  

As I grew older, there were rare times where I would dare to go against the norm or against my parents to do things that I want to do. Other than that, I will play it safe or consider all options and to reduce my risk. I do not dare to do a lot of risky things because I was afraid it will cause how people perceive me, or I would blame myself for making that decision. So I became someone who once has determined his comfort zone and things that make sense for me, I will not want to explore out or be open to new things that I find not able to comprehend. Even if my heart says to do it, I will still find many reasons why I should not do it and more often than not, I decided against it. Of course there were some instances where I was right though it only serves to further reinforce that thinking. I used to own that thinking that I am someone who thinks and evaluates every step that I make and that I am right with such a thinking. I don't think it's a wrong thing but as with everything in life, it would need to be balanced. 

At the back of my head, I think I do blame my mum for me turning out this way, especially during my primary school days...secondary school was pretty much independent so I have no complaints about it. During the road trip back in December, there was a conversation about bringing kids with my Small Uncle and Small Auntie( awkward with my cousins around also), I said something about how it was scary being scolded so many times in a day. My Small Auntie said that well I did turn out well behaved and all. Though my Small Auntie don't believe in caning, but she definitely scold my cousins a lot and frankly, if they are sensitive as me, it will probably be akin to caning in my opinion. I thought of Jia Jia and other people that I know at my age whom are parents, everyone is trying to figure out to the best of their abilities at that point of time. Probably at that point of time, my parents are also. Balancing the career, finances and child rearing. 

These past year or so, after quitting and being away from Singaporean Society, I feel that I am slowly picking up the pieces and fixing the various traumatizing aspects of my mental state and also knowing that a lot of things that happen in my life are ultimately my own decisions. From me feeling not connected to my friends, to not being fit, not being happy, career was not good and also blaming cat for some things in life, the cage that I had always thought that I was trapped in was due to everything that life or society or others that had placed on me. 

Within the cage, there has always been a door. The door which was in front of me will never be open because I had felt that there is nothing that I could do and that I needed something or someone beyond that door to open for me and I will be saved. While in the cage, as I was waiting to be saved, I blame everything that was not going for me, blame cat for not understanding me,low-key blame my parents for me turning out this way, blame the job for being tough (which is actually to an extent but I let it affected my personal life). Ultimately, I blame the world(cat, friends and the society at large) for not understanding me but most importantly, for not saving me out of the cage that I was in. I would like to think that GK had tried to help during the really bad times but alas he was not able to open the door for me either.

And I had come to realize that I had always been a selfish guy, though my friends won't see it that way. Deep down, such actions and thoughts all just scream selfish. I psych myself to believe that I need to be saved by others or external forces.

In actual fact, the door in front of me has all along been a one way door, there was no knob on the outside. Hence no one was able to pull the door open and save me. The only way to escape the cage was for me to just push the door and I will be freed. 

After all this time, in the end, I am my own salvation. 

As I push the door ever slightly, my world became brighter and I felt a sense of optimism and warmth that I had not felt for some time. It is still a work in progress but I know I will be out soon. 

Can pride buy you Mcdonald's

 I have been hearing work stuffs from Cat on the differences in between how SG office and Aus office approach their work. One is like very customer centric and the other is more of "Self worth and that if you are difficult, then we rather not have the business".

The common client that both office(s) have are pretty big so I can understand why SG office who is the main point is more of a " will do anything to keep this client" kind. TBH, I totally agreed on this. It kinda took me back to my army days where we have this saying " What's pride ? Can pride buy you Mcdonald's? ". It's that kind of practicality mindset that made us Singaporean or Asian I guess. Regardless of how life is more chill here and basically here is more of an Employee paradise I might add, but I see that Cat is more frustrated because the staff here are more me first rather than the work. Frankly, I think I would suit it here because my professional life and private life is more split up. The thing that kind of makes me feel uneasy is that is this a mindset that should I ever have kids want to be raised in ? In any case, Cat don't feel right here so no point bah. 

In a way, I also see it as do I want to be part of a country that I feel that has a direction or should I say there's a progression vs a country where I feel is trying to fix the missteps that previous governments or leaders had caused. Maybe I am trying to psycho myself why I am going back to a more stressful and judgemental society ...haha 

In general, I feel that here kind of feel like back in BNP, where again no progression, nothing to look forward, in terms of a future for this country. Too many things don't change or rather it's taking a long time too and I feel that we are in a world where things are moving fast and that sooner or later, one will get left behind if we don't evolve. Maybe it's a scarcity mindset...like there is no way but forward as compared to a society which have a back up, like if this doesn't work out there is always something else or maybe there's always agriculture. 

Being here has led me to be take care more of the food that we consumed as we usually eat home and the produce here are relatively cheap and fresh as compared to Singapore. In Singapore, we have too easy access to food already, with all the malls and the hawker centres nearby. I hope to be able to cook or make my own food once I am back in the rat race again as I feel that eating home cooked food definitely helps with mental and physical health also. 

Maboroshi

 

Just completed this anime during my daily lunch time of the day, and it was a visually captivating anime and the climax was pretty good. The storyline kept switching from one plot to another plot so the author could have probably done with some good consistency. Although there are various plot changes and all, there are some very good quotes and plots that does hit close to my heart. 

Story was that the main characters are like phantoms that lived in an alternate universe where time stops for them until they met a young girl who turns out to be their daughter from an actual reality. In their reality, they are not supposed to feel any strong emotions, be it good or bad, as long as it is constant then their world will carry on. Otherwise, they will be swallowed by the smoke(that resembles Wolfs). Ending was that the main characters managed to send their daughter back to the actual reality and in their reality , time starts to move again. In the actual reality future, the town was no longer inhabited by people and that it is more or less forgotten since the steel factory accident and slowly the residents left the place. 

1) As time and changes go hand in hand, emotions which are tied to changes will also be a constant

The protagonist grandfather mentioned that probably the gods created that alternate reality because it was the time when before the accident, the town was the most lively but once the accident happened, people had moved out and decide to move on. The gods of the mountain that produce the steel wanted to keep the memories of the place hence the main characters are stuck at the particular point of time. However, the main characters started to notice that they are not real and feels like their lives are stuck. Whoever felt deep motions like sadness or happiness will be removed from the alternate reality. But in actual fact, such a reality where everything is constant, is it really a life worth living ? A place where one don't make any mistakes, doesn't change the status quo, doesn't get hurt or don't feel love, can it happened? It can only happen when time stops but in reality, this will never be the case. Time never stops, so change is always happening and emotions, be it good or bad will continue to happen. 

My thoughts--->The above kinda really hit me because I kinda realise that I am someone that fear making mistakes, being on the wrong side of people, fear of being thought of in a negative light or people's judgement so I get stressed out when things are different or when people don't agree with me. So I would rather just conform to their whims and thoughts. Also I would always try to be stress out of making any mistakes , be it wrong email or wrong booking or anything, and if I make the mistake, I beat myself up badly for it. All in all, because of me rejecting confrontations, rejecting getting hurt or feeling negative emotions, I ended up stuck in time figuratively. I always tell cat that I don't feel 36 but rather more like 30ish...I wonder if I had allowed myself to stop living in 2019. 

Recently I had to look for Movers because the landlord decided to not renew our lease, so was reading online on the various companies. There were some bad ones and there were some good but expensive ones. I knew that Cat wanted to get the cheapest or most value one but somehow it seems difficult to find cheap but reliable. I was afraid that she will be not happy if I chose the wrong one or was afraid that I made a mistake and ended up being hit with more charges. In the end, like in the anime, in my mind, I just felt kinda stuck. Eventually we settled on one mover but my mind was still not at ease. Well, Until I watch this anime though.

So it kinda hit me when I realise that I should allow myself to make mistakes. To feel bad because these emotions are part and parcel of time. Time never stops and one will never be able to avoid feeling bad ever. If I made a mistake, it is just for me to learn and then not make it again. Whatever people think of me, even if its dear, I should let it go and not be sad that I had let her down. Even if she might be disappointed in me for that instant, I should learn from it and just keep moving forward. To have confidence that whatever happens, it will be alright. 

2) Meaning of to be alive

Throughout the show, the main characters all mentioned that they felt life was always the same because they don't feel pain nor happiness just being constant stoic feelings. The weather never moves, time never moves. That they never felt like they were alive. Like the machine in the factory, just keep churning on. 

My thoughts--->Like in the anime,to be alive is to allow yourself to go through those bad emotions in your life. With me berating myself or rather stopping myself from making any mistakes, from avoiding confrontations to making decisions, I cease to live, to be alive. Feeling the pain to feeling tightness across the chest, to love, to cry, to smile, to be angry, to be depressed ..all of these are signs that you are still alive. Maybe that's why people who do extreme sports like rock climbing or bungee jumping or sky diving mention that is the time that they felt alive. the tightness of the chest due to fear, the tingling sensation in the fingers when jumping off the plan...or the strain of the muscles while rock climbing..all these is just to feel alive. Rather than avoiding pain,suffering and confrontation, I should learn to embrace them...to understand that to be alive is to be feel pain and suffering. It is correct to avoid these once you experience them, but if one has not experience it before. How does one know that this is pain and suffering and thus learn to avoid them ? By avoiding it, is one then also avoiding life ?

 I think what I took from this movie, is that I should learn to accept that to be alive , to live , it is not possible to avoid any mistakes , any bad emotions but that mistakes can be made, and mistakes will make one feel really bad. However, mistakes is just an indicator that something is not working and that one should just turn to another path which will infinitely lead you to more paths and more mistakes. Eventually, there might be a place where one is contented or there might be none but regardless, all these shows that one is truly alive and is thus living. 

Blog=Journal and Happy 2024 !

 Well well, didn't expect that the first post of the new year will be a journalling post, rather than the other kinds of post I wanted to post previously or the year end roadtrip post. It isn't a New Year Resolution post as well as compared to other years. So...this is more of a kinda impulse kind of thing...spontaneous one might call it..haha

The impulse thought that came to my mind was that I somehow just fully connected that my constant blogging in the past is very much like journaling in the mainstream world these days. As the video mentioned that journaling helps with stress and anxiety issues, my consistent blogging in the past had helped me as well. In more recent times, as I stopped blogging consistently my mental state was sent into a deep hellish spiral as I became more narrow into my negative feelings and mindset. 

I had always thought of blogging to be like a Pensive in Harry Potter, where you just dump memories which is probably true in the early days where it's more like a dairy. In the subsequent years following my time in the army, it became more like a journal instead. Where I blogged my thoughts and ideas and feelings.

For quite some time, I was under the impression that journaling will be more effective if it's with pen and paper. So I started with a small notebook and started again so that  I can write things down here and there. Then I realise that a tablet would be much better but I can never find a tablet that writes well as good as an Ipad and cause I am anti apple, I won't get an Ipad. COVID happens and for some reason, I didn't really maintain my notebook and blogging as much too. 

End of the day, maybe blogging is not as good as writing down because typing and writing induces different muscle memories but consistent blogging aka journaling is better than inconsistent notebooking or writing. 

Back to the video, most of my blog is probably classified as Level 1 and 2 Journaling which is to recount what I had done or experienced in recent time. Maybe the level 2 is not so much as it does include the "Grateful Exercises" part which I am now trying actively on my Samsung Galaxy S9 FE tablet( I finally manage to get one thanks to the HK gov and Cat=P) 

By actively blogging on stuffs in my life, it actually helps me to detach some of the feelings especially the negative ones and to gain somewhat like a bird's eye view and not be caught up in the moment. For someone that experiences stress, anxiety and a lot of negative emotions often, I think it is helpful and provides a kind of clarity during such moments. 

Well then, Happy 2024 everyone and it's the year of the dragons yo (36 le...lol) 

A small update

 Hey y'all, been sometime since the last post. Been and back from Canberra to collect my passport which requires me to drive 3.5 hours. But, hey it's for the world's most powerful passport so of course I will do it! haha oks actually I can get them to mail but I thought it wasn't that safe and besides, what better excuse to visit another territory in Down Under. 

So recently, I have been watching quite a bit of productivity systems and more like Life Hacks quote unquote kind of videos on YouTube. Haven't really got much headway in a lot of things in life again. Now it is more like a slow kind of figuring out what I need to slowly do or include in my life. So I've been clearing out my online databases like Google Drive and Google Keep. Also, I've been back on Duolingo( looking to buck up my knowledge on Korean and Chinese) and also spend some time on keyboard typing skills. One of the YouTube videos mentioned that by learning to type accurately and fast, made sense in life as these days it's all digital Just realized that my typing is pretty bad( no wonder my primary school keyboard typing scores are so poor). 

So yeah, its had not been anything exciting or life changing recently. Looking back at the old post, I think I would want to touch up on the part of Preconceived Notion but I think it will be in a future post.