Feeling much better now...

New beginnings...though some things remain the same

If some of ya have been following my previous entries, I tink many would regard those entries as very depressing and all. And i agree that is true, in the past, I really cannot let go of her,everytime I cannot get of her then I will thought that she is enjoying herself with paul and it was really painful. So life was pretty depressing for me, but after 5 days of thinking and depressing, I sort of sorted out myself again. I had already done wadever I can do in this relationship, whether it will flourish a not, it is not up to me anymore liao...I think I have already done so many things and sacrifices that most guys would not at all...and I should not even feel sad by it or wadsoever lor. To me, she is still always my very good fren, my confidate, and that will continue to remain though I do not knw how will she see me now. So whether we will be together a not, I am very happy to get to know her and cherished her a lot lor. Still I am waiting for the official decision to come out lor for both studies and the PP...lol...a lot of tests results I muz take sia...haha

Nowadays, she is also getting to be very uncontactable lor, dunno how is she ?..wonder is she bz or is she avoiding me...if its the latter, i will knock her head lor...she was the one who ask me not to avoid her lor...but I dont think thats the reason, I think she is truly bz or maybe so qiao, the times that I try to contact her, she is with paul bah...Well, so life has been like that for me lor, but I am still trying to get used to it lor...but ok I am now feeling much more happy now...a lot of things muz LLST de mah...haha

And like my fren puts it " A person is never happy except at the price of ignorance"...sounds cheem rite but I finally understand smthg that he post on his msn liao...hahaha...come to think of it, I never meet up with Ben loh for a very long time liao...hmm I think one day muz call him out and jio him for lunch or smthg...kinda miss chatting with him lor

Recently, went to my teacher hse to bai nian and met up with my secondary mates lor and realise that we all had grown up and changed a lot including myself lor. Like DK puts it, wow..it has been a few years passed and now most of us have changed so much, some for the better, some for the worse..depending how it seems lor...For me, I feel that some things haven changed much. I think I am still a bit rather stubborn in some ways, still lame maybe even worse lor...lol...Also, most things I am now able to take and wadever I thought of in the past, I am able to apply it now. Of course, its still her and that she has never left my heart and mind lor...lol...and of course a lot of things lor..like I still respect and try to cherish most of my friendships..and thats smthg I learnt from her as well=)

Life on that 'island' for the past 2 months...

"ISLAND" LIFE...

U knw..i knw what island is it lor...lol...anw days spent there and being part of army has definitely changed my view of a lot of things as well as make me think in different perspectives and being more confident as a person and as well as increasing my tolerance level...initially it was a cultural shock lor and I wasn't really getting used to life there but was very happy with my section lor O3S3 rocks sia...haha..on that island, we all undergo the same shit and torture together as well as completing seemly impossible tasks together andsharing our life stories with each other...and all the stuff..not forgetting the GAY stuff that we do too...haha

Being in a shiong company, naturally a lot of things that we do is super crazy and tiring but it also gives one a sense of pride and achievement over others, coz we are able to do it and the rest cannot...so yeah it makes one feels good...Naturally, with such training, all of us will slimmed down..I for one have slimmed down from 75 to 67 lor...sia lah...crazy sia but still fail pull-ups...haha anw very soon going to POP liao...so will missed the island life there,wonder where life will leads me but see how lor...

Also, the A levels results are also coming out liao...wah..super scared sia but what else can I do except to pray and hope for the best lor...really really hope to make it to the Uni. lor...

Lunar New Year 2007

Lunar New Year 2007

This post might be rendered late or something lor...but nonetheless still post it up lor...lol...anw that day, slept very late lor...coz muz stay till 1am so that we as children can wish longevity for our parents and was mass-messaging everyone..haha I think my SMS for that day only has increased drastically..then went to sleep with the iPod thinking about Sam. then later fishy sudddenly called...lol...then chat with her till 3 am lor...and she still dun want to put down the phone...idiot lor...haha

In the morning,went to popo house and bai nian, not bad lor....wear new style of clothes and for the 1st time..my dressing was even more expensive then my sis....lol...ate great food and lots of bak gua then also won money from Big Uncle...hahaha...about $10 lor...hehe, later my great-auntie also came over and everyone was like "WOW Eugene, u have grown slimmer and taller and U R IN NS"...i thot was i always tall=P...haha anyway maybe it has been a very long time since they last saw me lor...then i think got this uncle of mine whom is in OCS one...asked me whether i want to go to command school a not? and all such questions lor...

Then later went to my Ah ma hse to bai nian, went there also ate a lot and as usual never really talk with my cousins lor...then gamble as usual,except that I lost $30 to my uncle...lol...stupid lor...watch Kung Fu mahjong 3 lor..super lame show sia...then stay there until dinner lor...after that went home and watch 7 episodes of bleach with my bro., shiok sia...

Next day, never really go out at all lor...so juz stay at home and enjoy being at home as well as think a lot and watch tv, play games and all...then until damn sianz liao..so at night call fishy, ask her whether want to go down for a drink lor...apparently she was already drinking, so when we meet up I was the only 1 drinking lor....then we juz talk cock and wadever else lor...realise that no one was home at Sam.'s place so they should be at their another house lor...later went to buy drinks at the mama shop across the road...ran into a couple making out in front of the lift entrance lor..WTF...chao er sin lor...2nd day of new year let me see this type of things and they worse thing was they NOT SHY lor

3rd day of New Year was very sianz coz its book in day and that Sam. pang seh me again...lol...so decided to go guan yin miu to pray since its auspicious to do that lor...and boy was it packed sia. Later went to starbucks and drink a cuppa and stoned and reflect lor..after that went home and met my sis.'s frenz..and haha also saw the guy that she is interested in...haha..so packed my stuff and got ready to book in lor...but of course, like wad I said that day was feeling really sianz...

Chinese New Year Eve...

Chinese New Year Eve...

Whoa...today went out the whole day sia...cheong all the last minute shopping lor, went out with my sis and my uncle today...actually its my sis. who have to cheong all the last minute shopping lor...lol...furthurmore, today I bought a $3o belt...wah....heart pain!!...lol...And orchard rd today not so crowded lor...anw today took time off to think about sam. and me lor...I knw tht for most entries recently. its about this problem, but well since i cant talk much about the 'island' and tis is the biggest problem so far this year...so thts why i think about it so much lor...

I was thinking on how to juz remain as best frenz and totally forget her as someone I like...then I realise that if I do tht, then I would be very different towards her already and feels that it is not fair to her lor...but come to think of it, have she been fair to me in the 1st place?..lol...no lah anw its all up to her choice...I spent the entire day thinking lor...in the end of the conclusion was that all this was due to my choice before enlistment day...I told her I will still wait for her, so should all these happen, I will juz take it in my stride..so how to put it ah....I actually anticipate such things to happen lor, but like what I said earlier is that I didnt really prepare myself mentally for it...yest. was really downcast coz she didnt reply me and was thinking about a lot of things and somemore saw her with paul yesterday...

Now I feel that what I could do is juz to remain as normal as possible and juz be more sensitive to my reactions and words...and wadever there is towards her, coz although the final decision is not yet confirm...she is still someone else girlfriend...and I should respect that as well...anw if really at the end of the day, she prefer paul..then so be it lor...but now onwards, I dont think I will be able to treat her as someone I like anymore...maybe more as a very close fren, but I will still wait for the final verdict...then we shall see how lor...

To tell u the truth, initially I felt that there is still a chance that the final verdict will turn to my favour, but now...i really have no clues liao...anw now i think i got this feeling that wadever she choose then so be it lor...maybe coz of being on the island for a long time and after going through many shit and all, I sort of grew up to a certain extent...but anw she is definitely someone to wait for...so after 24 hours of thought...in the end, I will still carry on lor...but i wont be too close to her as in the past liao...coz it will not be fair to paul lor...if this choice I make, will result in worse consequences...then so be it bah...I have already grown up and should take responsibility in my choices...so thats that folks...and btw..HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!=)

Numb in the heart...<>

Numb in the heart...((guardian angel))

On that island, ever since I told the guys what had happened...my new nickname had been changed to guardian angel or to put it crudely a watchdog...lol...coz of sam. i can see from their point of view and to a certain extent, they might be true...but as I have say it before, wadever decsions I had made regarding sam. I never regretted any of it...even if u give me another chance, I will still make the same choice...she brought me a lot of pain and yet also taught me a lot of things as well...all this pain cause me somehow to be quite numb liao...so wadever she do to me, I sort of dun feel anything liao....thts maybe why the guys thot i lost my pride or smthg...some how this year is supposed to be a new beginning, so maybe should I move on already...one thing I knw is that I wont be as close to her as I once was...coz i always draw a clear line between a best fren and someone that I like..can I get used to that...but if u ask me...I personally felt that I had already lost, so maybe I really should move on...she say not to avoid her, I can safely say I wont but I wont be like last time, always be there for her liao...I dun know...coz once u have someone else to care for ya, there is no space for me....it has always been that case, isnt...but if she got any problem, I will be there lor...sia lah...seems like I have already given up..I dun knw leh...I seem to lost the 'fire' to continue the journey...I feel tired and painful...juz now went out to buy for dinner, saw her with paul...I dun knw why but I dun feel anything liao...I was like "oh there they are..." , but of course still got some stirrings of the heart strings lah...but I not like last time when I really felt so much pain and depression, even though by now I should like...crying and juz shut myself from the world...basically like tht lor...msg her a few times, but no reply...dun know whether she is ok or that she is juz trying to be fair to paul...have I changed...I think so but I dun knw, that 'island' has definietly changed me in some way or another lor...should I move on???

OMG...how did this happen...

OMG...how did this happen...

Today was suppose to be a new beginning for most people, if u are following the lunar calender...but for me today seems like the repeat of last year, where once hope was upon me then later it was utterly crushed. Today, she juz dropped an A-bomb on me...reminded me of the sadist song that PC like to sing to us apart, I was stunned...no...i was ok at 1st but once reality sets in, my whole world seems to crumble around me...she told me she gave herself and paul a probation period...I was like at 1st ...erm...ok cause I did thot b4 that such a scenario will happen but no matter how much I prepare myself for such a case, I was still utterly crushed by the sheer bitterness and sadness of the whole affair. She was afraid that I will start to avoid her, though I can say that I promise her that I wont but...I when I say that sentence, I couldnt look at her in the eye and say that to her...I have already began to start avoiding her already subconciously...I still do not know why when with her, I still can joke about the whole thing and also still laugh whereas i should be hurting and downcast instead...maybe being on that 'island' have sort of toughen me up...but when I left her, OMG....the feeling was unbearable lor....I was walking along the singapore river, I set at the steps of the Quay, staring into the water...thinking about the past, the future, the recent, the crazy and my emotions....all this within the 45 minutes there...do u know how much pain it was ?......I thot after that I would be able to calm myself down and move on...but no...the feeling was still there and it stayed with me through out the day even now...I know that the final decision wasnt made yet, but it was really hurtful...super hard to endure...for all the pain i had endure earlier, this was one of the worst...but I am certain I can pulled through this lor....hopefully that is....I can tell u, she is the only person who is able to make me feel like in paradise after awhile pulled u all the way down to earth or even deeper than that....sometimes wonder why all these happen to me?...I see people pouring out their problems to me and they feel like breaking down...then wad about me...I hide my own emotions because I do not want her to worry about maybe partly because I do not want her to see my weaker side and all the crap lor...she tell me how the TW react, I wasnt surprise because if I were him, I may also reacted the same way as him lor...but no...1 thing I learnt in army and from her is not to be selfish and wad for should I react the same way as him....

Anw, the day I made my choice I already told myself that wadever happens in the near future, as long as I can endure, I will still wait for her till the day where I see no point at all or not...anw her happiness is the main thing lor...sound very noble rite? but that is wad I feel lor, I know most ppl will say that is stupid and all but well...thats me lor wadever I feel is always secondary lor...so well thats that...the countdown has already began, for both my POP and the probation period...we shall see how it all turns our lor

Wadever the choices made, will affect the future just like how the waves crash into the walls and reflect back...