A.A.R

Today was the last paper. I realise that I had been playing the wrong strategy all along. But whatever the case, its all already over. I don't want to start anything about the past, the exams and all. So, I took some time to reflect...you know to have an AAR..ahaha...sorry sounds so army like=P

When I think back of the past 4 weeks, I realise that these 4 weeks, I was rather fearful. I was fearful of so so many things. I am afraid of course about the results, but....Well, last year I have a breakdown, this year I had a fear that cripples me...todays paper was the first paper and ironically the last as well, that I wasn't afraid of the paper. I think because I enter the exam hall with a mindset of whatever liao...maybe its because, I accepted that I can fail. I don't really bother about the questions, to me, its like I will try my best with the questions lo and answer whatever way I know. Truth be told, I seriously smoke to the max...but somehow its fun, its like I enjoyed it though I am sure I lost 25 marks already. Unlike all my other papers, I was nervous, no time...rushing ...the usual stuff lo. These recent days, penultimately to today's paper, I was thinking of the possible scenarios n steps to take if I fail, JY said I shouldn't think that way. But, at that point of time, I know that if I don't find out these stuff, there is no way I am going to be able to concentrate on my last min chionging. Or maybe should I rephrase..its to be at peace with myself. I feel that I have a very complicated and yet unstable soul. I am like a subconsciously hypocrite. 

Its strange and I think its rather uniquely me, that I like to tie all sort of stuffs with negative emotions. Maybe because I want people to sympathise with me subconsciously or to put it more correctly, I want people to recognize me. Yes, I think thats the word. I always got this feeling that I somehow want people to say" yes, eugene thats the way" or " yeap, you are right" or " Wow...how do you achieve this and that?" 

And thats something that I want to change, because I don't want my life to be filled with negative emotions as well as indirectly living my life for others' recognition. And maybe thats why I feel that I am a disturbed soul. A soul that is not at peace with his mind, and with that brings with so much negativity and fear. 

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

I always find this saying to be very apt in reality. Its always start with fear, and that it lead to the subsequent consequences.