Untied

Today finally met up with Sam and kinda officially broke the news to her. And as usual, she was able to answer the knot in my heart and kinda set my thinking straight in a way. A very different perspective from many others, but the one that definitely resonates with me the most. 

Hmm...I think I am able to let go of the barrier and let my heart feel now, rather than fabricate some stuff every now and then. 

So...Whats next?

I guess she is right about the expectations part in a way. Once together, there will be expectations and there were things she won't or cant do. Like I put it earlier, my ideal r/s is so and so...but her ideal is another I reckon. She is more of like still in a way trying to probe and seeing whether anything will happen. I feel that although we held hands and gotten closer, and adjust to each other needs...I still think I need to put in some effort in this relationship and its not the shore yet. Maybe its the beginning as well, so I cannot ask too much from her.

Now I feel much steadier and able to calm the ship because my mind is not being clouded by emotions and in a way, I kinda let go of the ideal r/s that I thought I wanted. In all due respect, every r/s is unique I guess. The joy of it is the connection that both parties have with each other. One can say I changed my perspective of my ideas so to suit her. Well, yes in a way, maybe not as well. In any case, I am on a clean slate anws, so there is no fixed template for me.

In a way, like what Ben said, happy jiu can le. So if we were to delve more into it, one just have to enjoy and be in the present and not worry/expect from the other. Regarding my insecurities, well if in the end, she decided that route, then it would just meant that I am not suited eventually. Most importantly, will be I have done it in the best possible manner I can be and that's something to take comfort in. And that I should have faith and trust in her since we had held hands in public and all and I am sure(hope) that if a girl who is willing to do that, there will be some kind of commitment on her part. So, rather den focusing on the negatives and the what ifs, why not be positive about it? At least, there is something good out of it.

I know I sound really emo and all, but in all honesty I am not, just that the feeling of adjusting to something new is kinda strange and difficult. There were down times as well as up times, but I think its a normal process bah between 2 people. And now after sorting out my thoughts and feelings through blogging about it, I feel much less burden on what to do. Just be myself and like her in my own way and just do my best in it. And the rest will come. Whether we should have nicknames for each other or should we do this or that. These will come naturally I am sure.

7 Days into it

Initially I was apprehensive about blogging about it. But I think blogging is a good way to let go some steam as well as reset my thinkings and all. And so here we are, 7 days into our relationship. Its really an interesting learning experience for me. I experience a whole lot of emotions. I mean...well I have never enter one before, and its also a case where I like her more than she does. I am more physical whereas she is more..hmm..whats the word...communication? I have more insecurities than her definitely. I mean I think there is this complex where I am pretty much risk averse and skeptical about things.

My insecurities are pretty obvious since the samantha days. For a person I know for a pretty long time, I still have quite a huge problem getting over them. So much less for a person that I have only known in 5 months and her personality in only about 2 months or so. Going by logical thinking, and if we extrapolate this, this is gonna be DAMN huge. Just now asked her whether she is free for X'mas, she said something about waiting for her friend. So I heard something like maybe back or something. And instantly, the alarm bells started ringing cuz I rmbr that she kinda like this guy who she is also trying to forget as well if I am not wrong, and his birthday is on 25th I think. So I kinda stumble over my words and asked her to repeat. She said something like NY she is out with her friends. But I didn't try to ask about why X'mas she may not be free. I guess my main insecurities stem from whether are we like in a trial or smthg because I rmbr saying that when we started though eventually we never set any end period for it. She just accepted me and that's it. So, initially the first day I was still kinda in a daze as to what kind of role am I suppose to be in. Hence, besides the fact that she wants to keep it private, I am also not willing to let the whole world know about it. I only told those that were constantly in the loop as I felt that they should know since they were also the ones that had listened to me whine and all. Someone told me that a guy shouldn't be insecure and thats a big no-no in any relationship. And the thing about me not sure, what are we made it worse. Going by common sense, I feel that I should ask her about it. But by going with my instincts, they are telling me no because it would seem that I don't have enough faith in us. Of course, I believe in all relationships must have the element of honesty and trust, if not there is no point in it. So I decided to place it my bet with trust. Trust that we will make it true, trust in that I will know how to love a person, trust in her.

Of course, its not all gloom and all. I am touched that she tries to keep in contact with me when she was in bangkok and even when she is going to seoul this friday, she tries to convince her friends to get the portable wifi device. We tease each other some times and the common mutual competition was also fun. We began to have more interesting conversations over whatsapp and we share more about each other likes and dislikes. I find all of these pretty heartwarming. I like to use 'uh-oh' when things goes wrong and she would like go 'uh-oh' ,says to not steal my line...she went 'uh-uh-oh'...haha. Nowadays, she will text me instead of me always, which its a good progression. haha. Still trying to get use to holding hands and putting my hands over her shoulders.

I think the main problem with me is the confidence issues. Its like a totally new experience for me. To woo someone, I think I am pretty alright. Well I have been honing that skill for quite some time le...lolz. But, to be in a r/s with someone, still damn new. I EVEN WENT TO GOOGLED IT...lol...when in doubt, ask Mr Google. I am also learning about how different people have different idea of how a r/s should be like. I had always envision that once together, we will be like super close, lovey dovey or something and that both will be happy in each other presence. But, after these 7 days passed, its really pretty different from my imagination. And I guess its due to the kind of character she is. She is never that expressive in nature, unlike me. I tend to show my emotions very easily, but of course I will still hold my tongue when there is a need. She never make the first move whenever we held hands and all. Also, I think partly this is not her first r/s whereas its mine, hence the stark contrast.

Some asked me how does it feel when I finally held hands and you know..got attached? Can surely said its not what I had expected as well, like those fluffy kind of feelings, where suddenly the whole world is a colourful rainbow with unicorns. Its more like, awesome, now the next phase, whats gonna happen? What should I do next?...lolz...pretty xian shi hur..I guess when grow up, the definition of being in a relationship kinda changes. Like what my sister said, love only comes after gotten together for some time. Its never in the chasing process.

The next phase begins

Took the leap of faith. And, I think I just barely made it over. Come to think of it, I made rather a lot of compromises. But, I need to at least tie her down first and luckily I did as well. Because she told me another guy was lurking in the corner. Took me about an hr to convince her. Coupled with a bear and all...eventually I didn't set out what I had in mind to do. I had think about my speeches, what I am going to say all over again and again. I Seriously have planned a lot of speeches. But in the end, I did the one that I am most comfortable with. Just tell her what I felt. I brought her to a place where I always emo and all. I said that this place is a place where I made important decisions in life and commitments. Hence, today there is an important task for me to do. Told her straight, I asked her do you knw what I am going to say?, she just kept quiet. I told her that I won't ask her to be my gf. neither will I ask her to let me be her bf. I told her " Lets be a couple". Said that I believe r/s is always 2 persons thingy and that it is never a one way thing, so rather than I belong to you or vice versa, lets be together.

She asked me whether I think that we know each other well and whether why I think now its the right time. She asked me whether I am the kind of da nan ren and all. She also kept emphasising that she is afraid that she won't be able to live up to my expectations. Then I told her about our progress in our r/s, how we adjust to each other and how slowly she opens up to me. How much I appreciate that and I explain to her that there is no right time. The reason I chose today besides mid autumn but also my CFA exams which is coming soon. I told her that I want to grab her now and not drag any further. Only I realised that I made the right decision in getting a huggable bear for her, because she was so stressed/shy that she kept hugging the bear throughout. The negotiations went on for 45 mins. In a nutshell, she has no questions about me and that she trusts me. But rather, she is unsure about her feelings, she is scared,confused and worries about the future should anything happened to us. As I held her hand, I told her that moment she let me hold her hand, there is at least some kind of interest, told her to not think so much and she laughed as it is coming from me( a person who think a lot ). Really, I kept pushing her, in a way selling to her why we should be together. Machiam insurance agent..ha

Waiting for her answer was really heart stopping, eventually she never really say yes nor nodded her head. I pushed the bear aside and grabbed both her hands and look at her. Thats when she said about someone else also trying to get closer to her. And she says she hate to be the bad guy and ask why guys want something more from her and can't platonic friendship exists. Thats when I knew it was a yes

Really I pulled out all my arsenal, empty all my possible assets or intangibles I have to convince her. From talks of probation periods to trying out phases. Basically, I really all in, told her that if she wants to leave anytime, she can leave and I will just readjust to being friends. And she tells me to not expect so much from her and says that she can be more insensitive and all. I agreed to her for us to keep this relationship private with as few people know as possible. She says that all these arrangement will be super unfair to me, because she cannot fully commit herself to be with me. And that she there will be times where she may treat me badly by being insensitive and all. 

Told her to not think so much and just believe in me, take the leap with me. Like Bungee. I told her that I won't expect a sudden increase of showing of affection and all but lets just be at least incremental. Explained to her my view on expectations. She asked me what I expect from her. I asked what she expect from me. Only after she named her conditions, den I laid down mine. I told her at least contact me within 24 hrs, talk and communicate more to me and just treat me with respect and not like dont care about me kind of thing. Explained to her that I knew what I signed up for the moment I decided to confess, I knew that she couldn't decide whether to be with me or not, she has her insecurities. I told her to trust me as she has always been, and I will take care of the insecurities for her. If eventually I couldn't, at the very least we tried. And if we ever split, I will make things less painful for her.  

She also asked me what I like about her and all, told her its her eyes, shyness and smile. Oks it sounds damn jia..but hey thats what I really like. And she was really all shy about it. I kept holding her hand and asked her for an answer, looking into her eyes and all. Trying very hard to play up my good points as well as giving my words to various conditions. From being private about this r/s to giving her my word that if ever she one day may want to leave this trial period, we will revert back to friends once I emo over. Also, she say don't expect so much from her and in a way, I have to wait for her so that she can be clear of her heart. Apparently, she is still trying to forget someone and lately there is some progress in forgetting him. So I have to give her time to forget, in a way, my work is far from over. And I really need to keep trying hard to make her stay with me. 

The first time we held hands was kinda awkward as well..cuz she held out her hand the wrong way, and for me, I think it was first time for me to hold someone hand for so long, that I have a bit of sweaty palms...so all in all, it was rather funny and awkward. 

However, I think I made her think too much and she wasn't feeling very well as well, so the train ride was pretty quiet along the way..though I did grab her hand midway as I wanted to be rmbr what I had promised her earlier and I think I am the more insecure one. Well cuz I stand to lose more than her in a certain sense. Like what we agreed, there is no right or wrong in a r/s. Sent her atw back to her house, jokingly says thats all? On a serious note, I apologised for making her think a lot and all, but I really needed to know an answer, told her that this journey we are embarking together will be a fun one. And that as usual, I will msg her in the morning like normal. She just say nights and went in. I guess she really thought a lot and is pretty much confused. 

A leap of faith

So, the props have been bought. The stage set for this sunday. Its D-day. Only thing that is missing is the strategy on how to attack the questions. I dont know what to made of after yesterday, but I guess instead of thinking too much, there were a lot of positives thats for sure, though there were also a negative...but in a way, its heart warming...I don't know how to say it though. However, this is not the end yet, there is a checkpoint that I have to reach..

Hopefully, I will be allowed to continue the next section of the race, I know not what lies beyond the checkpoint. I guess I have to just continue on focusing on reaching the checkpoint first. But of course, there is a cliff before the upcoming checkpoint. However, right now, I must also navigate the bushes and rocks confidently as well, because you never know when the small things may pull you down.

The cliff approaching will be on sunday, where I will just have to take the leap of faith. I got my equipment with me already but am still clueless on how to use the equipment. The leap of faith, I have never really attempted it before. In the past, I was pushed to the edge, one I was forced to jump due to sadness, other was due to anger...ever since then I have never made it to the cliff again. This time, I volunteered for the jump. I remember the deep chasm of free fall, the coldness of the water as one gets swept down the river of emotions. The never ending topsy turvy of one's life. It was hell, but I guess I will be able to survive the fall this time round by not letting my life turn upside down. However, I doubt I can escape the coldness of the water. But, its a risk I have to take. It has been such a long time I was able to climb back on to the edge of the cliff. Whence I survived or failed, either way its a new beginning to my life.

I can visualise myself at the edge. I can feel the past swirling all over me, the doubts speaking in my ears...But I shall not be daunted. I have already taken along this road, and I shall not waver and falter. Thou shalt not steer me away from the path my feet have undertaken.

Welcome home

Just caught a HK drama where a young doctor ask a senior surgeon why he is not nervous when in the surgeon room? Isn't he worried? Or what if he did something wrong? The senior surgeon who hadn't did a surgery since his ban, replied: " Just that the theatre as your home, would you be nervous at home? As you know all the stuff that is already around you"

This got me thinking about a phrase that Confucius had said before, which I had read somewhere which goes: " The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home" And it is pretty true, by cultivating a home where you are meticulous, and make it clean and you are at peace with yourself. Only den you will have a home. So, translate those procedures to other aspects of life and you will see the impact on them as well. Now, of cuz this is difficult to do but easy to say, and I think thats the problem with Confucius teachings...heck..actually its most teachings. Unless you are someone who is able to detached from the world totally and cultivate yourself well enough and be back again. But, this is increasingly difficult to do in the ever smaller world we are living in due to technologies.

So, " Welcome home". I would like to transpose this onto relationships as well, oks I don't really know about others or maybe the reason why I have been failing all this while might be due to me, when going after someone, always treat the person as if she is mine already and that I always dote on her etc etc. And I tend to get jealous,annoyed and of cuz expectations of that someone. Eventually, I feel that I always ended up hurting the most. So that's why though I had gone after quite a couple, but there are only a few which I ever open myself to them. For the current one, I never showed a side of me that I had reserved only for a selected few, so its not like All In, but she has seen a significant amount of the other masks that I possessed. The things that I will do and all sometimes I think might be excessively as well. But anws, the topic is not about why or how come I can never get the girl. Today, I just want to solve my own internal struggles, my home, which in other words is my heart.

There are a couple of times where she don't do something, or maybe she ain't like any normal girls because sometimes things she do and say, don't make sense. Sometimes her actions don't mirror her words, and vice-versa. And her heck care attitude every now and then, but at times, she seems to really care. Its really really very mind boggling and no less roller coaster ride. I tend to believe that everyone have a good character someone in them and they know what they are doing, but maybe I might be naive or whatsoever, so I am hoping that I am right and that I am not just getting played all this while which I highly doubt so, but...you never knw.

Maybe this person that I am interested in as a princess mentality, someone that knows how to receive from others but will have absolutely no idea on how to give. But, I do know that when she really wants to care about that person, she will show it. Unfortunately for me, I was never on the receiving end of it.

People says that wooing her after 4 months ain't long, others tell me that there is no hope, some says you just have to do it already. To put it honestly, I never ever woo someone for this long, I can like someone for 3 years but not woo someone. Sometimes I feel that maybe all along we are not meant to be together, because of our many differences unlike others which I can click very well and really comfortable with each other. However, I have no idea why but I am attracted to her. Of course, attraction can only get you so far, but what counts is the character and all. Yet for every bad things she do indirectly/directly to me, as long as she shows a small concern directly/indirectly, I will be oks again. Lousy returns..haha

Hence, home aka my heart. I have to more meticulous and clean up the untidiness of it. Sort things out, come to a conclusion whether should I just all in, play a slow game or just fold. However, I don't think I will play a slow game...time is of pressing need for me. My CFA is coming up in 2 months. So den, I have to make my decision soon. At the same time, I also need to do some provision for my negative feelings, negativity...the source of evil in my life. I have tried hard to tone it down and suppressed it, but at times it will just erupt. So I will have to be continue to be positive and dream, and be a little realistic about things. Believe in that person , trust in that person. If ever that trust is broken, then least you know more about that someone. Of course it is not so easy, considering you dont really knw that person well enough, and things could always change. But, well just have to believe. Sometimes, thats all you can do, pray,believe that they will come back. If they don't, den we will just have to accept it..and thats life. There will always be other people whom you meet and be able to trust and will build lasting relationships.

She is just Amazing

I wanted to just post a phrase " she is just amazing"...so that i can show to her that " see, even a sam related post can be short"...but i guess she already knew it...it won't be a short one as always. Seriously this girl. No words can I think of to describe her. Just Amazing.

This girl is truly amazing. Amazing to go through whatever had happen to her, and yet still managed to find herself within the darkness. Amazing to just settle in and start a conversation with her best friend's dad. Amazing to bring me up as if I have wings and drag me down as fast as gravity.

Yet, She has the ability to listen, to calm me, to make me laugh and yet can make me feel like the worst thing in this world and then make me feel like I am super special. Haha...seriously, my heart getting old for this le.

If I really did kick her out of my life then, and after hearing whatever now, I don't think I can live with myself for the rest of my life. Seriously, this girl ah..but I'm glad that I held steadfast in my belief and in my promise. It was really close, the thing that really held me on was the promise. Because I said it before that regardless of what the world becomes, what she becomes, I will always be there for her...and thats something I will still honour till the very end.

Sounds like I love this person really a lot right? Truth is. I do. I do love this person a lot. Not that kind of between lovers, neither is it as between friends or family. But the kind of love between 2 human beings , 2 souls who find solace,peace and serenity in each other company. Maybe to a lot of people, this doesn't make any sense, and to tell you the truth, neither do I, but sometimes in life, the most sensible thing ever don't make any sense at all.

In the past, I always ask myself, whether life would be different if we were together? Will it be better? and what does she thinks of me? Have I changed? These days, these questions are in a way redundant. I won't totally say we won't end up together ever, thats too strict an answer but I think it will be a new journey if ever we did. Do I need an evaluation of myself? I will still continue to change, but I am who I am. I don't have to know what others see of me, as long as I stick to my principles and all...who really cares what the world think of me?