Light at the end of the tunnel

Had a chat with my sister the issue this morning. I have to say it's a pretty neutral approach I would have to say. If I were to take a step back and leave my emotions, ego and feelings, maybe things aren't as bad as I thought. Or rather my gut feelings tells me that it is better to think in this way, but of course we will never know. Maine advice is somewhat similar to pig's advice, which is try to reassure her and to be more secure. In a way, it's kinda make sense all together.

Yes, I am afraid of losing her, but this notion had always been on the table since day one. Rather than keep thinking of the worst and be emo about it, why not I keep thinking positive and carry on? Now it's not like I am in self denial and all, I know that maybe it will still not end as what I would hope that it would, but I definitely do not want things to end due to confusion and ego.

Maine is also right in a way that I have to be more steady, more secure because she is someone who ain't and this things will still happen again and again. Which links me back to Sam and pig notion of me losing myself over these past few months. I place her first in front of too many things including myself and that eventually cause some pressure on her. And slowly the idea of me expecting more due to me doing so much starts to creep in, the idea of losing her creeps in, and hence unsettling the foundations in me. Everyone including her ask me what do I really want? Are you sure you can handle another hit again and again? To say the truth, I am not sure either. But I still can see a future, it was bleak initially but now it's stronger.

Just two days ago, I decided to go on a run to maybe find some inspiration or to work out away those unhappy thoughts. I ran out... And it started raining, I was pissed. But I continue to run, and then it started to rain like there's no tomorrow, I ran back cursing the heavens. Took shelter at one of the blocks, moment I did that, it stopped raining. Laughing at the heavens for tricking me, I decided to run again... And lo n behold, it started raining again. Thought floated in my mind, "when it rains, it pours". However I was in a defiant mood, and I continue running. And as if heaven is mocking me, it gotten heavier and lighter and heavier and lighter. Every time I thought I reach a conclusion, the rain changes her magnitude. At the end of it, I made it home, totally soak and feeling bad. Why does life have to treat me this way? Met pig after that and I hear her advice, she managed to convince me that there is still hope and whether I can put aside my Anger and ego.

Next day I texted her in the morning, chat a bit. Later on, she text me to wish me luck with the recruitment officer. I didn't like use words to proof that we are together, to say those sweet stuff anymore. But just normal chat, and to be positive about things, act as if things didn't happen but at the same time to avoid certain things.

Remember I said that I had a meeting with the recruitment person? Well the job market that she painted was also equally bad, or should I say horrendous? I left the building feeling like the world sucks and that bad things happen in pairs. Felt like tearing again, but then all the pent up feelings of indignant came up. I told myself that yesterday the rain didn't kill me nor my spirit, the hell I am going to give up in this manner. Be it us or my career, I am not going to give up. I cannot predict what will happen but what I can do is to keep on moving. It's like driving in Australia at night, with no street lamps, I can't see the next 200m,but I can see the first 200m in front of me, so I just keep moving... Even if its slow.

I think the main concern is to find myself first, to get back my aim in life. My career. My dreams. A life that can accommodate her but if she isn't there, my life still can keep moving. That's why I am trying to find back myself, a life where it doesn't depends on someone else for happiness but depend on myself.

At the end, no one including myself know how all of this will turn out. To do this or to do that, not do this or not do that, but the gut feeling, my soul or whatever one calls it, that tells me to do, I will listen to it and make a decision that I feel that is right and all. Doubts are sure to arose, but just have to keep going. Until my soul breaks or when she seriously release me.

I think sometimes have to be less serious, or maybe be more nonchalant about things. I have been through a lot of mini hells and a self created one back in those days. I can only do whatever I can do, and the rest I should leave it to whoever is deciding things in this world.

There are many way of thinkings and approach to this matter. But I feel that this is the more comfortable way I feel now. Try to rediscover the magic and at the same time to have fun and not expect things too much. Right or wrong way, I don't know. I just have to keep running, and moving and accept new changes in life. Keeping in mind on what makes me Happy.

It's Always about 2

She always says it's nothing to do with me but everything to do with her. Says that she can't match me and etc. In actual fact, there is everything to do with me as well. Its what I actually want...

Like what sam said and zhenni concur, am I able to take another hit one more time like this? Do I want to continue to have this feeling of being insignificant? Of always giving more and receiving less?

And then come the qian bian question, what do I really want?

Maybe instead of finding what I want.. I should find back myself.. I kinda have an interim decision about it.. But maybe it's for me to find back the happy me.

Where my source of happiness is not from making someone happy but to make myself happy..

Its very interesting to note that the game of life, one can read and devour many books and knowledge, only to find that some things even if you knew, lessons are never as effective as experiencing it first hand.

Strange

Interestingly I end up back at the place where I had my first crush, first love dates. Back at bishan. I think the area has some kind of attraction to me. The park is green and quiet. Just stopped raining and the wind blows.. Feels good.

Advices(zhenni)

Met zhenni over lunch today, actually was in correspondence with her since ytd.

Apparently she used to be in adeline's position. And that she felt that she couldn't match up to the level of love. Somewhat like what adeline is going through. Which in a way makes me feel even more worse, as it means that all these while it's difficult for her to be ard me?... Think its because of the holding hands incident in orchard rd that trigger it. It's very easy to think back and regret that I had been angry.. Maybe if i hadn't, things wouldn't be like that. Then again what meant to happen will happened. So, i don't think I can run away from it.

Zhenni feels that it's not too big a problem and that just wait and see how at the end of the cool down period.

Advices (sam)

There were varying degrees of help that I heard from 2 people I feel that are the most rational person ard me.

Sam, had a pretty big reaction.. Something that one don't see everytime.. Caught me a little there. She was kinda critical of adeline in a way. But there were some words which was quite important. She felt that I was worse off being with adeline. Felt that I gave too much and that she didn't do anything significant in return. Said that I was less happier during the times I was with adeline den before we got together. Told me that I was spending pretty much of my time trying to think of ways of making adeline happy w/o thinking of myself. Most telling point was that I lost myself. I was pretty surprised because that has never cross my mind. But now on hindsight, yes.. I lost myself.. I didn't know what I want to do and I was aimless. I didn't ever expected that.. Because I thought I have seen/experienced enough to not lose myself.. Well apparently not.

Suggested I go on a holiday, maybe I really should.. But money is always a problem. But I guess I should do things to make myself happy again. To rediscover myself, seriously I don't know where. Thought of flying off to HK over the weekend to look for cat, but.. The rational side is pulling me back.. Or maybe to Korea to look for Sean.. But Korea is too cold and ex. Did consider follow Samantha to go Beijing, should be quite fun.. But costs again doesn't allows me to.

Anws she won't be in sg over the weekend, so maybe I don't have to disappear. But sometimes some places and some things I see will make me feel sad again.

Before Sam left, she said "Eugene, I love you. So don't do this to yourself". 6 years have passed and she still have that power to make me feel lucky to be alive and have such a friend. It does give me some motivation/courage to carry on smiling and believing in the good of the world.

Is it the end?

In the end, it's really about us. Yesterday, she suddenly dropped the bomb and said it. Says maybe we should get to know each other better. And that she is confused. She still haven't get over the other guy.. And if the other guy comes knocking on the door, like recently, she gets confused again. Says that she tried and all.. Says she hates it when I treat her well and she herself cannot reciprocate it. Nthg to do with me but with herself.

I was angry, seriously, cannot fathom what had just happened. Was pissed off, sad, guilty everything that a dementor make you feel just like in Harry Potter.

So after some talking, told her let's have a cooling down period... She says ok.. But I knw deep down that neither that will work it out.. Cuz of her body language and all... The saddest thing ever was the coldness. That feeling where you know whatever that you do, you won't be able to break through that barrier. It's an insurmountable wall only if the gates were open to you.

Got this incident when during dinner, I said smthg pretty mean in a way, and she turn angry about it.. Then have to do a 360 and try to calm her anger and all... Eventually, even I can't vent my anger and rather I have to think about hers when she is the one who started all this. Hate myself for being such a noob, always putting hers first.

In the end, told her my decision and that we will have a cool down period and we held hands and walk for some distance and talk about stuff. Some random stuff and all but when we took the bus, her expression change again.. Hinted to her to hold my hands she refused. And it was a quiet journey back home.

Before I left her, Told her that she should decide what that she wants and choose the option that made her smile even at the expense of mine. Think made her feel worse, but to me everything that I do in life is something that I don't want to regret in the future. Even if the road is hard to travel.

The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari

Recently, borrowed a book titled " The Monk who sold his Ferrari". Its another spiritual-inspirational book just like " The Secret", its a much more practical and hands on book that teaches certain methods on meditation and how to live as a happy person. I think its quite an inspirational book and that we can draw a lot of lessons from it. Wonder whether its possible to really achieve it, thoughts are really powerful tools, and to think that we were sometimes taught to let it run wild at times.

I have to admit, this element I am really really poor at it, once negative thoughts form in my head, I can feel them running amok around and soon I have a headache and thought that there is too much to contemplate. And soon I become a negative person. So, hopefully these practices will help me work towards being a more stable and calm person that I always hope I can achieve.

Down and Out

Been some time since I last blog, well my CFA level 1 exams had passed and all. Now is the stage where I am pretty much lost and wondering what I should do in life. Currently, the mood now is to get a job as quickly as possible and everyone around is telling me that. However, I feel that its not my path, I shouldn't just get the job just because I have to get it though now being with someone,I definitely need the cash...and dear is also kinda hinting to me liao. So I guess I really have to start pulling my socks up hur. Supposed to be setting some time to think about stuffs but eventually never manage to get much done as GK had some r/s problems and was talking/listening to him in the afternoon. And also, dear seems to be in a " leave me alone" mood for some reason that I can't comprehend and she doesn't want to tell me.

So, pretty much, didn't have much of a mood to do anything. Initially, the 1st 3 days of this week was still ok but all of a sudden on thursday, said that she wants to go home on her own and don't want me to be around. Even when at buona vista, also said she don't want to hold hands. Asked whether is it anything to do with me, said no. Naturally, my paranoid self went into overdrive and thought is it me, or the end and what not. Took me awhile to calm myself down and not think too much. Today, early morning went to her place to follow her to work so to see if everything is ok and all, but still pretty much down. There was no light in her eyes and smiles were forced. Want to very much help her, but don't know what happened. Today messages were limited, its kinda hurting.

Decided to went online and start searching at horoscopes again, trying to comprehend what on earth is happening. Found out that cancer girls are prone to mood swings and retreating into her shell. I wanted to just leave her and just wait for her to come back. But, I don't know how long I can wait, feels sick in the stomach not knowing what is going on. Hopefully everything will turn out oks...