Had a chat with my sister the issue this morning. I have to say it's a pretty neutral approach I would have to say. If I were to take a step back and leave my emotions, ego and feelings, maybe things aren't as bad as I thought. Or rather my gut feelings tells me that it is better to think in this way, but of course we will never know. Maine advice is somewhat similar to pig's advice, which is try to reassure her and to be more secure. In a way, it's kinda make sense all together.
Yes, I am afraid of losing her, but this notion had always been on the table since day one. Rather than keep thinking of the worst and be emo about it, why not I keep thinking positive and carry on? Now it's not like I am in self denial and all, I know that maybe it will still not end as what I would hope that it would, but I definitely do not want things to end due to confusion and ego.
Maine is also right in a way that I have to be more steady, more secure because she is someone who ain't and this things will still happen again and again. Which links me back to Sam and pig notion of me losing myself over these past few months. I place her first in front of too many things including myself and that eventually cause some pressure on her. And slowly the idea of me expecting more due to me doing so much starts to creep in, the idea of losing her creeps in, and hence unsettling the foundations in me. Everyone including her ask me what do I really want? Are you sure you can handle another hit again and again? To say the truth, I am not sure either. But I still can see a future, it was bleak initially but now it's stronger.
Just two days ago, I decided to go on a run to maybe find some inspiration or to work out away those unhappy thoughts. I ran out... And it started raining, I was pissed. But I continue to run, and then it started to rain like there's no tomorrow, I ran back cursing the heavens. Took shelter at one of the blocks, moment I did that, it stopped raining. Laughing at the heavens for tricking me, I decided to run again... And lo n behold, it started raining again. Thought floated in my mind, "when it rains, it pours". However I was in a defiant mood, and I continue running. And as if heaven is mocking me, it gotten heavier and lighter and heavier and lighter. Every time I thought I reach a conclusion, the rain changes her magnitude. At the end of it, I made it home, totally soak and feeling bad. Why does life have to treat me this way? Met pig after that and I hear her advice, she managed to convince me that there is still hope and whether I can put aside my Anger and ego.
Next day I texted her in the morning, chat a bit. Later on, she text me to wish me luck with the recruitment officer. I didn't like use words to proof that we are together, to say those sweet stuff anymore. But just normal chat, and to be positive about things, act as if things didn't happen but at the same time to avoid certain things.
Remember I said that I had a meeting with the recruitment person? Well the job market that she painted was also equally bad, or should I say horrendous? I left the building feeling like the world sucks and that bad things happen in pairs. Felt like tearing again, but then all the pent up feelings of indignant came up. I told myself that yesterday the rain didn't kill me nor my spirit, the hell I am going to give up in this manner. Be it us or my career, I am not going to give up. I cannot predict what will happen but what I can do is to keep on moving. It's like driving in Australia at night, with no street lamps, I can't see the next 200m,but I can see the first 200m in front of me, so I just keep moving... Even if its slow.
I think the main concern is to find myself first, to get back my aim in life. My career. My dreams. A life that can accommodate her but if she isn't there, my life still can keep moving. That's why I am trying to find back myself, a life where it doesn't depends on someone else for happiness but depend on myself.
At the end, no one including myself know how all of this will turn out. To do this or to do that, not do this or not do that, but the gut feeling, my soul or whatever one calls it, that tells me to do, I will listen to it and make a decision that I feel that is right and all. Doubts are sure to arose, but just have to keep going. Until my soul breaks or when she seriously release me.
I think sometimes have to be less serious, or maybe be more nonchalant about things. I have been through a lot of mini hells and a self created one back in those days. I can only do whatever I can do, and the rest I should leave it to whoever is deciding things in this world.
There are many way of thinkings and approach to this matter. But I feel that this is the more comfortable way I feel now. Try to rediscover the magic and at the same time to have fun and not expect things too much. Right or wrong way, I don't know. I just have to keep running, and moving and accept new changes in life. Keeping in mind on what makes me Happy.
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