Hmm...sorry for not blogging for a very long time. Well, to let you guys know the truth, I think slowly I won't be blogging much in the future. Except maybe for things that I want you people to know or something like that...But, here is a very special place for me. It holds my past, my feelings, my struggles and memories. I am sorry that maybe some of you will find that I might be more distant in the future due to this...though in actual fact, there are not many of you who read this blog.
I am switching back to a more primitive way, writing a journal. It has been a very very long time since I last wrote a journal entry. The last time I wrote was due to Samantha's rejection. And ironically, this time that I am restarting again is due to adeline and me breaking up. Well, I guess its always the painful thing that gets me going, hur? However, recently, I felt that writing gives me more of a calming perspective on things as I tend to ponder longer before I write unlike blogging, which I can delete anytime that I want.
Of course, I will still maintain this blog, because I guess maybe its still an avenue for some of you people and my way of maintaining that connection with you guys. Especially for those that I rarely meet and all.
Over these past 2 weeks, everyday I kept thinking about adeline, about us, about my past, my future and all the steps that I should approach life. Looking back at my 24 years, I have been through quite a couple of stuffs, to me its significant at least, I know my life would have been a whole lot of difference had I chose other options in the past. And I strongly believe that really everything had happened was for a reason, and there is a role for everyone who had entered my life. Especially these 3 whom I love dearly.
Samantha taught me that somewhere out there, a truly pure and wonderful friendship is possible. The level where we had absolute faith in each other even if we are on different levels in life. Most importantly, the lesson on letting go. And the feeling that no matter where I am, or what I am facing, there will always be someone who will be there for me, to comfort me and calm me down.
Zhenni taught me that being positive is the way to live and she was the one that introduce me to the various philosophies and thoughts in life. She is the one that somehow will always have a smile on her face, and someone whom I can speak my mind freely and share the same thoughts with.
And for my dear Adeline, for she taught me a lot on tolerance, strength and the ability of really loving someone. She showed me what I wanted in a partner, things that I come to accept/ not accept and on the security of another. I also learnt that maybe I was too rushed, and that I was not steady and strong as I thought I was. Eventually, my intuition won at the end. When you really found that someone, it won't be that strenuous on the mind and heart, its like....one will know when something doesn't fit you and yet you still force yourself to carry on.
People tells me that I should not be crazy and cause more hurt to myself especially when these girls reject you and all...and its not in a ideal/nice way ...and the way they handle also. But, I guess its just me, but for all 3 of them, even when things don't end up how I wanted to be. I still love them, really I do...and that explains why I never push them away from my life. Adeline might be the only one that I won't be able to keep close contact with unlike sam and zhenni because our differences are too large and interests are way different. However, I believe that we will still meet every now and then over a dinner or pancakes.
For her, I sincerely hoped that she will be able to find someone that she really love and that she is sure about her heart. For far too long, I always felt that she doesn't know what she wants in life, except to take things as it comes. Well, but its not always a bad thing as she had shown me. Hopefully she will be able to find that someone that she can open her heart and insecurities to.
I am not going to say that I have totally recover. I think such stuffs will prove themselves in the long run rather than me proclaiming it. Right now, I am trying to improve myself, as a person and cultivating the paradigm of moving forward. I seriously don't really know what's in store for me in the future. Will I be rich as I hope for, will I lose my soul in this society, will I regret what I didn't do in life? For the moment, I just have a very simple goal. Which is to make everyday counts, as if its my last. Be it in my interactions with friends and family, be it at work ...or maybe as being able to smile everyday.
It's times like these where I feel at peace.
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