Help

Just now saw Adeline's tweet about her phone being cui...and all, so I think its a natural reaction I went to fb msg her on how her phone is and advice her on what to do. I offer her my help if she needs to transfer files tmr. Then, suddenly, a thought popped up in my head " Why the fuck do you have to care for her?"...I stopped for awhile. However, the next reaction that came up was...Help her. I don't really understand why, but immediately, after that, I felt a wave of relief. Maybe its really the notion of " Good will be rewarded with Good". I know that I still want to help her in anyway that I can, but I also know the notion that I don't want her to so call to take advantage of me, and I know that deep down, I am not hoping for anything. Really. I know it may sounds hard to believe, but I know that feeling. Because I had that feeling before with Samantha back in the past, when I still want to be the same to her, the person that she can rely because I wanted her to see that there is this guy there who is willing to do anything for her. Overtime, its such a stupid hope to hang on to.

I care for Adeline, and during those times where we were together, I knew that was what I wanted at that point of time. However, my gut feeling tells me that I shouldn't treat everything that I had undergo and all the struggles that I faced as a negative thing, like she is the cause of everything. Like to all the girls that I really gave my heart to, I will still help them if they need me, be it a listening ear or if life is not treating them well, if the situation allows, I will still go all out to help them. Because at the end of the day, whether a not they deserve my help or not, but they will always a place in my heart, and regardless of anything, I will do my utmost best to help them.

Recently, I have this thinking that I should try to get back together to with her. However, my rational side was strongly against it, and my irrational side keeps pushing me towards it. But just now, when I decided to help her, I don't want her to depends so much on me. I would not accept her unless I am positive that she wants this relationship for what it is and not due to dependence. Of course, I know my irrational side wants me to get back, because of the idea of still being in a r/s, the hugs and her touches. And then the false hope that everything will still be able to work out at the end. During my run today, I even had thoughts of not giving up and continue to woo her. But at the end, I deemed that as the easy way out. And usually, the easy way out, is always and normally the worst choice to make.

I guess this is what most philosophers meant when to love, there is no space for the negative. And that love takes many forms. Like my love for sam for example. So when I see it that way for adeline, I don't feel so tense and sad anymore.

Somehow, this train of thought calms me down.