7 Days into it

Initially I was apprehensive about blogging about it. But I think blogging is a good way to let go some steam as well as reset my thinkings and all. And so here we are, 7 days into our relationship. Its really an interesting learning experience for me. I experience a whole lot of emotions. I mean...well I have never enter one before, and its also a case where I like her more than she does. I am more physical whereas she is more..hmm..whats the word...communication? I have more insecurities than her definitely. I mean I think there is this complex where I am pretty much risk averse and skeptical about things.

My insecurities are pretty obvious since the samantha days. For a person I know for a pretty long time, I still have quite a huge problem getting over them. So much less for a person that I have only known in 5 months and her personality in only about 2 months or so. Going by logical thinking, and if we extrapolate this, this is gonna be DAMN huge. Just now asked her whether she is free for X'mas, she said something about waiting for her friend. So I heard something like maybe back or something. And instantly, the alarm bells started ringing cuz I rmbr that she kinda like this guy who she is also trying to forget as well if I am not wrong, and his birthday is on 25th I think. So I kinda stumble over my words and asked her to repeat. She said something like NY she is out with her friends. But I didn't try to ask about why X'mas she may not be free. I guess my main insecurities stem from whether are we like in a trial or smthg because I rmbr saying that when we started though eventually we never set any end period for it. She just accepted me and that's it. So, initially the first day I was still kinda in a daze as to what kind of role am I suppose to be in. Hence, besides the fact that she wants to keep it private, I am also not willing to let the whole world know about it. I only told those that were constantly in the loop as I felt that they should know since they were also the ones that had listened to me whine and all. Someone told me that a guy shouldn't be insecure and thats a big no-no in any relationship. And the thing about me not sure, what are we made it worse. Going by common sense, I feel that I should ask her about it. But by going with my instincts, they are telling me no because it would seem that I don't have enough faith in us. Of course, I believe in all relationships must have the element of honesty and trust, if not there is no point in it. So I decided to place it my bet with trust. Trust that we will make it true, trust in that I will know how to love a person, trust in her.

Of course, its not all gloom and all. I am touched that she tries to keep in contact with me when she was in bangkok and even when she is going to seoul this friday, she tries to convince her friends to get the portable wifi device. We tease each other some times and the common mutual competition was also fun. We began to have more interesting conversations over whatsapp and we share more about each other likes and dislikes. I find all of these pretty heartwarming. I like to use 'uh-oh' when things goes wrong and she would like go 'uh-oh' ,says to not steal my line...she went 'uh-uh-oh'...haha. Nowadays, she will text me instead of me always, which its a good progression. haha. Still trying to get use to holding hands and putting my hands over her shoulders.

I think the main problem with me is the confidence issues. Its like a totally new experience for me. To woo someone, I think I am pretty alright. Well I have been honing that skill for quite some time le...lolz. But, to be in a r/s with someone, still damn new. I EVEN WENT TO GOOGLED IT...lol...when in doubt, ask Mr Google. I am also learning about how different people have different idea of how a r/s should be like. I had always envision that once together, we will be like super close, lovey dovey or something and that both will be happy in each other presence. But, after these 7 days passed, its really pretty different from my imagination. And I guess its due to the kind of character she is. She is never that expressive in nature, unlike me. I tend to show my emotions very easily, but of course I will still hold my tongue when there is a need. She never make the first move whenever we held hands and all. Also, I think partly this is not her first r/s whereas its mine, hence the stark contrast.

Some asked me how does it feel when I finally held hands and you know..got attached? Can surely said its not what I had expected as well, like those fluffy kind of feelings, where suddenly the whole world is a colourful rainbow with unicorns. Its more like, awesome, now the next phase, whats gonna happen? What should I do next?...lolz...pretty xian shi hur..I guess when grow up, the definition of being in a relationship kinda changes. Like what my sister said, love only comes after gotten together for some time. Its never in the chasing process.

The next phase begins

Took the leap of faith. And, I think I just barely made it over. Come to think of it, I made rather a lot of compromises. But, I need to at least tie her down first and luckily I did as well. Because she told me another guy was lurking in the corner. Took me about an hr to convince her. Coupled with a bear and all...eventually I didn't set out what I had in mind to do. I had think about my speeches, what I am going to say all over again and again. I Seriously have planned a lot of speeches. But in the end, I did the one that I am most comfortable with. Just tell her what I felt. I brought her to a place where I always emo and all. I said that this place is a place where I made important decisions in life and commitments. Hence, today there is an important task for me to do. Told her straight, I asked her do you knw what I am going to say?, she just kept quiet. I told her that I won't ask her to be my gf. neither will I ask her to let me be her bf. I told her " Lets be a couple". Said that I believe r/s is always 2 persons thingy and that it is never a one way thing, so rather than I belong to you or vice versa, lets be together.

She asked me whether I think that we know each other well and whether why I think now its the right time. She asked me whether I am the kind of da nan ren and all. She also kept emphasising that she is afraid that she won't be able to live up to my expectations. Then I told her about our progress in our r/s, how we adjust to each other and how slowly she opens up to me. How much I appreciate that and I explain to her that there is no right time. The reason I chose today besides mid autumn but also my CFA exams which is coming soon. I told her that I want to grab her now and not drag any further. Only I realised that I made the right decision in getting a huggable bear for her, because she was so stressed/shy that she kept hugging the bear throughout. The negotiations went on for 45 mins. In a nutshell, she has no questions about me and that she trusts me. But rather, she is unsure about her feelings, she is scared,confused and worries about the future should anything happened to us. As I held her hand, I told her that moment she let me hold her hand, there is at least some kind of interest, told her to not think so much and she laughed as it is coming from me( a person who think a lot ). Really, I kept pushing her, in a way selling to her why we should be together. Machiam insurance agent..ha

Waiting for her answer was really heart stopping, eventually she never really say yes nor nodded her head. I pushed the bear aside and grabbed both her hands and look at her. Thats when she said about someone else also trying to get closer to her. And she says she hate to be the bad guy and ask why guys want something more from her and can't platonic friendship exists. Thats when I knew it was a yes

Really I pulled out all my arsenal, empty all my possible assets or intangibles I have to convince her. From talks of probation periods to trying out phases. Basically, I really all in, told her that if she wants to leave anytime, she can leave and I will just readjust to being friends. And she tells me to not expect so much from her and says that she can be more insensitive and all. I agreed to her for us to keep this relationship private with as few people know as possible. She says that all these arrangement will be super unfair to me, because she cannot fully commit herself to be with me. And that she there will be times where she may treat me badly by being insensitive and all. 

Told her to not think so much and just believe in me, take the leap with me. Like Bungee. I told her that I won't expect a sudden increase of showing of affection and all but lets just be at least incremental. Explained to her my view on expectations. She asked me what I expect from her. I asked what she expect from me. Only after she named her conditions, den I laid down mine. I told her at least contact me within 24 hrs, talk and communicate more to me and just treat me with respect and not like dont care about me kind of thing. Explained to her that I knew what I signed up for the moment I decided to confess, I knew that she couldn't decide whether to be with me or not, she has her insecurities. I told her to trust me as she has always been, and I will take care of the insecurities for her. If eventually I couldn't, at the very least we tried. And if we ever split, I will make things less painful for her.  

She also asked me what I like about her and all, told her its her eyes, shyness and smile. Oks it sounds damn jia..but hey thats what I really like. And she was really all shy about it. I kept holding her hand and asked her for an answer, looking into her eyes and all. Trying very hard to play up my good points as well as giving my words to various conditions. From being private about this r/s to giving her my word that if ever she one day may want to leave this trial period, we will revert back to friends once I emo over. Also, she say don't expect so much from her and in a way, I have to wait for her so that she can be clear of her heart. Apparently, she is still trying to forget someone and lately there is some progress in forgetting him. So I have to give her time to forget, in a way, my work is far from over. And I really need to keep trying hard to make her stay with me. 

The first time we held hands was kinda awkward as well..cuz she held out her hand the wrong way, and for me, I think it was first time for me to hold someone hand for so long, that I have a bit of sweaty palms...so all in all, it was rather funny and awkward. 

However, I think I made her think too much and she wasn't feeling very well as well, so the train ride was pretty quiet along the way..though I did grab her hand midway as I wanted to be rmbr what I had promised her earlier and I think I am the more insecure one. Well cuz I stand to lose more than her in a certain sense. Like what we agreed, there is no right or wrong in a r/s. Sent her atw back to her house, jokingly says thats all? On a serious note, I apologised for making her think a lot and all, but I really needed to know an answer, told her that this journey we are embarking together will be a fun one. And that as usual, I will msg her in the morning like normal. She just say nights and went in. I guess she really thought a lot and is pretty much confused. 

A leap of faith

So, the props have been bought. The stage set for this sunday. Its D-day. Only thing that is missing is the strategy on how to attack the questions. I dont know what to made of after yesterday, but I guess instead of thinking too much, there were a lot of positives thats for sure, though there were also a negative...but in a way, its heart warming...I don't know how to say it though. However, this is not the end yet, there is a checkpoint that I have to reach..

Hopefully, I will be allowed to continue the next section of the race, I know not what lies beyond the checkpoint. I guess I have to just continue on focusing on reaching the checkpoint first. But of course, there is a cliff before the upcoming checkpoint. However, right now, I must also navigate the bushes and rocks confidently as well, because you never know when the small things may pull you down.

The cliff approaching will be on sunday, where I will just have to take the leap of faith. I got my equipment with me already but am still clueless on how to use the equipment. The leap of faith, I have never really attempted it before. In the past, I was pushed to the edge, one I was forced to jump due to sadness, other was due to anger...ever since then I have never made it to the cliff again. This time, I volunteered for the jump. I remember the deep chasm of free fall, the coldness of the water as one gets swept down the river of emotions. The never ending topsy turvy of one's life. It was hell, but I guess I will be able to survive the fall this time round by not letting my life turn upside down. However, I doubt I can escape the coldness of the water. But, its a risk I have to take. It has been such a long time I was able to climb back on to the edge of the cliff. Whence I survived or failed, either way its a new beginning to my life.

I can visualise myself at the edge. I can feel the past swirling all over me, the doubts speaking in my ears...But I shall not be daunted. I have already taken along this road, and I shall not waver and falter. Thou shalt not steer me away from the path my feet have undertaken.

Welcome home

Just caught a HK drama where a young doctor ask a senior surgeon why he is not nervous when in the surgeon room? Isn't he worried? Or what if he did something wrong? The senior surgeon who hadn't did a surgery since his ban, replied: " Just that the theatre as your home, would you be nervous at home? As you know all the stuff that is already around you"

This got me thinking about a phrase that Confucius had said before, which I had read somewhere which goes: " The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home" And it is pretty true, by cultivating a home where you are meticulous, and make it clean and you are at peace with yourself. Only den you will have a home. So, translate those procedures to other aspects of life and you will see the impact on them as well. Now, of cuz this is difficult to do but easy to say, and I think thats the problem with Confucius teachings...heck..actually its most teachings. Unless you are someone who is able to detached from the world totally and cultivate yourself well enough and be back again. But, this is increasingly difficult to do in the ever smaller world we are living in due to technologies.

So, " Welcome home". I would like to transpose this onto relationships as well, oks I don't really know about others or maybe the reason why I have been failing all this while might be due to me, when going after someone, always treat the person as if she is mine already and that I always dote on her etc etc. And I tend to get jealous,annoyed and of cuz expectations of that someone. Eventually, I feel that I always ended up hurting the most. So that's why though I had gone after quite a couple, but there are only a few which I ever open myself to them. For the current one, I never showed a side of me that I had reserved only for a selected few, so its not like All In, but she has seen a significant amount of the other masks that I possessed. The things that I will do and all sometimes I think might be excessively as well. But anws, the topic is not about why or how come I can never get the girl. Today, I just want to solve my own internal struggles, my home, which in other words is my heart.

There are a couple of times where she don't do something, or maybe she ain't like any normal girls because sometimes things she do and say, don't make sense. Sometimes her actions don't mirror her words, and vice-versa. And her heck care attitude every now and then, but at times, she seems to really care. Its really really very mind boggling and no less roller coaster ride. I tend to believe that everyone have a good character someone in them and they know what they are doing, but maybe I might be naive or whatsoever, so I am hoping that I am right and that I am not just getting played all this while which I highly doubt so, but...you never knw.

Maybe this person that I am interested in as a princess mentality, someone that knows how to receive from others but will have absolutely no idea on how to give. But, I do know that when she really wants to care about that person, she will show it. Unfortunately for me, I was never on the receiving end of it.

People says that wooing her after 4 months ain't long, others tell me that there is no hope, some says you just have to do it already. To put it honestly, I never ever woo someone for this long, I can like someone for 3 years but not woo someone. Sometimes I feel that maybe all along we are not meant to be together, because of our many differences unlike others which I can click very well and really comfortable with each other. However, I have no idea why but I am attracted to her. Of course, attraction can only get you so far, but what counts is the character and all. Yet for every bad things she do indirectly/directly to me, as long as she shows a small concern directly/indirectly, I will be oks again. Lousy returns..haha

Hence, home aka my heart. I have to more meticulous and clean up the untidiness of it. Sort things out, come to a conclusion whether should I just all in, play a slow game or just fold. However, I don't think I will play a slow game...time is of pressing need for me. My CFA is coming up in 2 months. So den, I have to make my decision soon. At the same time, I also need to do some provision for my negative feelings, negativity...the source of evil in my life. I have tried hard to tone it down and suppressed it, but at times it will just erupt. So I will have to be continue to be positive and dream, and be a little realistic about things. Believe in that person , trust in that person. If ever that trust is broken, then least you know more about that someone. Of course it is not so easy, considering you dont really knw that person well enough, and things could always change. But, well just have to believe. Sometimes, thats all you can do, pray,believe that they will come back. If they don't, den we will just have to accept it..and thats life. There will always be other people whom you meet and be able to trust and will build lasting relationships.

She is just Amazing

I wanted to just post a phrase " she is just amazing"...so that i can show to her that " see, even a sam related post can be short"...but i guess she already knew it...it won't be a short one as always. Seriously this girl. No words can I think of to describe her. Just Amazing.

This girl is truly amazing. Amazing to go through whatever had happen to her, and yet still managed to find herself within the darkness. Amazing to just settle in and start a conversation with her best friend's dad. Amazing to bring me up as if I have wings and drag me down as fast as gravity.

Yet, She has the ability to listen, to calm me, to make me laugh and yet can make me feel like the worst thing in this world and then make me feel like I am super special. Haha...seriously, my heart getting old for this le.

If I really did kick her out of my life then, and after hearing whatever now, I don't think I can live with myself for the rest of my life. Seriously, this girl ah..but I'm glad that I held steadfast in my belief and in my promise. It was really close, the thing that really held me on was the promise. Because I said it before that regardless of what the world becomes, what she becomes, I will always be there for her...and thats something I will still honour till the very end.

Sounds like I love this person really a lot right? Truth is. I do. I do love this person a lot. Not that kind of between lovers, neither is it as between friends or family. But the kind of love between 2 human beings , 2 souls who find solace,peace and serenity in each other company. Maybe to a lot of people, this doesn't make any sense, and to tell you the truth, neither do I, but sometimes in life, the most sensible thing ever don't make any sense at all.

In the past, I always ask myself, whether life would be different if we were together? Will it be better? and what does she thinks of me? Have I changed? These days, these questions are in a way redundant. I won't totally say we won't end up together ever, thats too strict an answer but I think it will be a new journey if ever we did. Do I need an evaluation of myself? I will still continue to change, but I am who I am. I don't have to know what others see of me, as long as I stick to my principles and all...who really cares what the world think of me?

Work aint so easy

Been doing some job searching the past few days. I have to say that its pretty damn demoralising. With 2nd uppers and no internship or working experience in that field, is really sucky. Thought can join the management associate programmes, only to realise that its very competitive and hard to get in. Made me realise what do I actually want to do, if I am an analyst, I wont be able to make the calls and they would need qualitative knowledge.

Actually I think feel rather ill equip for the potential interviews and the environments that I might be put into. I guess its because I have been out of action from finance for quite some time and that I am feeling like I knew next to nothing. I don't mind being a dealer though there are sales and all, but need to know the knowledge of equities market in singapore which I hadn't been in touch for quite some time.

Like what Sam says, only have one shot of using my 2nd upper, so if possible, I should get a well placed job so that I can use it as a stepping stone in the future. Or should I get an internship, which currently now most companies are not looking for. Cuz I feel that with an internship, at least it can help me make a more informed decision as well as use it as an additional work experience. Darn, really regret being damn nua

Silence

Its not always a good thing of wearing your heart on your sleeves, but I think today...my control was not there. I can feel the bitterness building up and I eventually buckle. Its not that I really regret saying it, maybe its better left unsaid. However, I think this will manifest inside of me if I don't say it. There are days when I can take the worst of negativity,be a sponge and soak it all up. Unfortunately, today is not the day. I realised that maybe I was so bothered by what is going on in her head that I can't stand it when she is quiet.I am oks with being quiet like with Samantha, I can spend an hr w/o talking and still feel like we had said many things with each other. But thats a different story, we went through a lot and I think it brought things to another level . 

Says that she is also like that with her close friends, and I appreciate that, but still it just bothers me...So I told her about it. I told her that I can't stand the silence and her answers are pretty hard to carry on conversing. It brought things to a kinda awkward level, she said she is like that sometimes and asked me what I want her to say. I just say well..I mean you know...like anything..Maybe she is really the kind that don't think so much but I am the opposite of her. And she could be quiet due to tired-ness. Like I said earlier, today is just not my day...I am filled with bitterness and anything that just piss me will bring the ugly side out. 

I also told her my long standing dislike for people to use their handphones when hanging out. Because to me its like a kinda form of respect for the other person. Oks, it sounds kinda rude to say all this to someone that you suppose to be going after...and might spoil the mood and all. Like I said, all my emotional control is thrown away, this is me at its core, I will show what I am feeling. Anws, she says that in the past, she also resented her friends for doing such kind of stuff..but nowadays she became like them. I ask her can she cut down on it when with me, she said she will try, so I was well quite oks with it. 

Actually I am glad I did all these, its just my way of getting it out of my system, if not I am sure I will be a damn bitter person and I will just have bad thoughts manifest in my mind. I am tired of playing games such as guessing what the other is thinking, and whatsoever push pull etc ...oks maybe I will still play the push pull thing...lol...

I know some people will say that I just killed my chances and all, trust me, it did come across my mind. Anws, I can't change whatever had happened a few hours ago.Still felt a bit sorry for making things awkward. But, to me, I feel that its the right thing to do because I don't wish to hide myself behind some kind of masks and when we get together den you see the cui side of me. I am happy that in a way we open ourselves out though it was a short period. It is really difficult for me to some what know you better, if I have to spend half my time reading your body language and 2nd guessing your motives. Or maybe I may have read your body languages wrong the whole time. 

Hmm even if I did killed it, then so be it. Like I said earlier, I don't want to be some kind of fake person and pretend to be someone else in front of you. If all these does turn her off and destroyed whatever piece of interest she has in me, then in a way, its fated. 

But nope...its not the end yet..in my heart, I don't believe it is. So, see how bah. Maybe all these woo-ing is just a way of me to get to know myself better.*shrugs* who knows