Mr Past

I have exactly maximum 30 minutes to spend dwelling here. Need to get back to my unemployment notes..not bad considering I am one under the natural unemployment group.

Just read jianyang's note on satisfaction, actually the basis was based about a topic that I had with him last friday. Although it had expanded into something pretty far from what we had discuss about. However its along the same line.

I won't be discussing about the note here, it wasn't what I wanted to blog about. Its just a catalyst for me to start blogging for some reason. Initially, I wanted to blog about dreams..and stuff..I realised that I had a few entries on those le. There's a reason for the google search button on my blog lo=P.

So..lets talk about the past. I think I had a post about past or something...hopefully it wont be the same thing that  I will be discussing about...lolz...Anyways, in recent times, somehow the past had caught up with me. Reaching out with his skeletal hands, grabbing my shirt as I tried to move forward. Sometimes, we as humans, we have this in built thing in our system which make us remember certain things so that in the future, we would react accordingly to a similar event. Of course, its not a necessary a BAD thing, it enables us to make the correct decisions in the future. HOWEVER, like everything in life, it is a double-edged sword.

There had been a couple of quotes about the past that I had seen. Most commonly, its about not letting the past hold you back and that looking forward is the way to go in life. I propose a better way of seeing it. To Accept the Past as an Equal.

Why? because even if we keep looking forward, no matter how much we avoid certain incidents to happen, the probability is still there. The probability that the old past will catch up with you, the past as never ever left us, it's like a shadow forever behind us, but we cannot see it..some may even forgotten about it. One day,he will show himself yet again. But, if we learnt to accept it, to accept that the past had happened and it will always be with us in one way or another, I feel that come what may in the future, we can handle things better and that we can proudly hold our heads high and face Future with a confident face.

I am also in the process of accepting my past as my equal, it doesn't mean I got to suppress him as a subordinate. But I have to ready myself for the occasion fights that I would have with him. Its all part of the process of accepting each other. I think I acknowledge certain anchors that Mr. Past had embedded in me, and now I think I can identify some of them and that its time for me to pull these anchors out. Of course, not all these "bad" anchors can be pull out immediately, but I will try. For myself and for the people around me and for Mr Past himself.=)

Left 2 minutes le...back to unemployment...and for those who are fortunate to read this entry, Have you accept your past yet?=)

Had a great supper ytd...lol...samuel was his usual self...totally crappy...I seriously think its in his blood or smthg=.=....ate too much cockles I think...haha...and of course the ever popular favourite 1 pint of sugar cane!!!...one of the best things on earth, right up there with ice cream( too bad samuel cant eat it=P)...haha

Told everything that was trapped within me to Pig ytd...I felt much better...its more of a I need someone to listen to me thingy...tried to squeeze everything within a period of time cuz apparently another friend of hers also having some issues...lolz...someone is becoming a counselor liao...haha

To Pig: thanks for everything ya...thanks for having the time to listen to me.=) Really appreciate it.

mother: Eugene, you still want to go australia for holiday? you got enough money meh?


Me: shouldn't be too ex. bah...its a free and easy.


mother: You going to be 23 le, you got to have at least 10K. When 25th, should have 30K. Dont keep spending.

I did a mental count of my finances. Basically.....I'M SCREWED!!!!

Time for drastic measures liao...LOL...kind souls, do donate money to me...I appreciate it deep deep..=X

Not going japan le=(

Ahh....I want to go japan...LOL...hopefully jerrold will be able to get his immersion and the oil prices dont sky rocket!!!!

At 1 am.

At 1am, the streets were cleared with the occasion taxis, the clean air seeks to calm the otherwise disturbed soul.

At 1am, a short breeze of cold air slaps across the face as if reality is telling you to wake up, and carry on.

At 1am, the cold metal bars of the balcony reminded me of the past and how cold it actually is.

At 1am, looking at 2 idiotic skate-boarders made me want to hide from the public view, to show a certain image. ( or it might be to avoid a 2nd downtown east attack..O.0)

At 1am, as I felt the wind, I thought of the world that is still turning, time waits for no one...I know that I cannot wallow in dejection.

At 1am, looking out at the scene before me, I thought of you, how I wish you will be here and sort me out. I know that you most probably had felt something was wrong, I can never hide from you.

After 1am, taking a deep breath of the clean air, the disturbed soul was calm and the soul said a phrase that no one will hear " thats that". And with a form of nonchalance, closes the door.

ADAM COUPLE 4EVER!!

As predicted, I am really damn emo over the end-ing of the Adam Couple on WGM(We Got Married), a korean reality show. Although, its supposed to be a fake marriage between Jo-Kwon and Ga-In, both who are great singers in their own right, but seriously they are really damn pei with each other. It is the only couple in the 2 seasons of WGM( that I watch sparingly), that really made me go "aww","is it real?" and seriously want them to date in real life. I mean there are some portions that can be acted out, but a majority of the actions that they did, well...I can't see it as fake. If there ain't feelings for each other, they wouldn't have lasted a year plus and their progress was really nice. From a dongseng relationship towards a lovers relationship. Initially, one can see that they are really awkward with each other, but after a year, they gotten to be real close. Like what my friend said: " They are perfect because of their imperfections"

I think this show will go down forever in my memory because it not only brought me lots of laughter, of course, from Jo Kwon...but also all the emotions that are tied to their relationship as they get to know each other better. Actually this show also thought me a bit more about girls..haha...cuz of the way the MCs commented and stuff like that...and made me realised that actually I lacked a lot of sense sometimes...maybe I am usually very conscious about myself and my actions that I always looked at myself a lot of times and not so much at the other person. Ah..진짜( really)...I think gotten really emotional here..lol. Somehow I think both of them enjoyed filming, maybe its a good break from the other projects that they have.

Needless to say, I am a big fan of these 2 eventually, like their songs and all. Besides the fact that the way they expressed themselves with such sincerity and honesty, maybe there are some parts of me that was struck? maybe thats why it enable me to truly appreciate it. If all this is just acting, then I can say that their acting as definitely hit the highest level le, like the actors frm Autumn in My Heart.

I think I will always remember a few events. Like the HK trip where he piggy back ga-in, the bali photoshoot, JK's birthday present, their last christmas together and the final event. Ah seriously...it was suppose to be a comedy, now it evolved into a sentimental thing...lol...Cuz I mainly just want to watch JK excessive funny but I never expected them to be so involved in the show that I was slowly drawn into it. Come on, I am not the only one can...the whole nation was also drawn into it..lol.....every variety show they went, every MCs asked the same thing: " Are you two dating in real life?"

Well, it has been a great time watching and listening to them, truly daebak!!... here is a FMV with their 1st duet song together..Adam Hwaiting!! Its also time for me to move on liao...exams here I come...

WGM 2 is truly my happy pill!!!...lolz

Consolidation=)

Took the long bus back from expo today, actually wanted to sleep but ended up keep waking up. Oks lah, did get some sleep...haha...This entry wont be so unreadable like the previous entries, sorry about it, but I had to write in such a manner. In any case, I did do some thinking as well as some time travelling, I meant checking with the past...lolz

Sometimes, it feels rather alien to me that I wasn't really affected by certain emotions anymore or should I say, certain events. In the not too distant past, I would get rather affected by them, even though situation about the same, though definitely the emotions weren't. Maybe I had re-configure myself to the extent that I don't allow myself to emo more than a certain time period le. Or maybe it could be fengshui=P. I think sub-consciously, I told myself to be less reliant on others, I remembered that in the past, during the dark ages, I told myself that I am going to change. I told myself that whatever happens in the future, I am going to take it. I restricted myself from thinking too much, I restricted myself from being too irrational, I forced myself to be more confident. And I think that made me to who I am today, someone with some various forms of masks, someone that tries to believe in a given set of values. I feel thats what the dark ages had given me, some times, I think I am rather lucky in the sense that I didn't lose myself during that time. Often, I read back the previous posts, there were so many times when I almost lose myself in the various processes. Thats why, I feel that if someone has the determination to change, it is possible. Just like in fengshui, where there is mankind luck, the luck which is ultimately depends on man. It is said that sometimes mankind luck will be so strong that heaven luck ( in a sense predetermined destiny) can also be altered. I changed something in the past that was predicted, thats why I strongly believe that if one has a strong enough determination, its possible but it is also dependent on the surroundings around him.

*sigh*...I think I had kinda of emptied my thoughts liao. I think this is somewhat like my pensieve. You know, in Harry Potter, where dumbledore always take out his memories and put them into the pensieve. Of course, my blog here is not so organised like dumbledore's where he can sort out the memories properly=P. I don't think in a rather fixed procedures, its more like a brownian motion, which is....yeah..random. haha

De-Sensitize

I always remember during my army days. Regardless in BMT or 39th, each of my commanders always say the same things. Once you keep doing it, you will get use to it. I recalled during my 1st ever mask run, it was only for 15th minutes, but with only 30% of oxygen available to me and I had to run 2km. When I completed it, once I took the mask off, I was white, the sky looks rather dark although its like 10am in the morning. Some got it worse, they collapsed. But, as time goes on, I can fully run 2km with a mask on in 15 minutes. I completed CFT. We even played basketball in masks, no joke. It was also the same with 24km route march.

I think its the same with our immune system, as we battles against new viruses, we also develop new anti-bodies to protect us. This game I played recently, I pulled out because I knew that I would eventually lose in the end, I knew that this is not the right time to show hand. If I were to all in, if I am lucky, I will be able to get some of the spills, if I am not...I will lose all. And like what I said before, I don't want to get into a situation where I lose everything again.

In some ways, I think I have grown to be nonchalant about things, maybe because I see things in a different perspective now? I don't try to skip steps anymore...I always used to think that if I do a certain way, thats the way to go. However, now thinking back, it seems that its a strategy for a one player game. Its not meant for a two player model. I think my first try has led me to form many weird? perceptions of the way how it should be played, and it has anchored me in some sense. Maybe that's where my inflexibilty is...

Results of the Poker Game.

Fold it shall be. I more of less already knew the other party's cards already. Most probably a pocket...but a weak pocket. Strangely, the other person's actions shows that she is oblivious to mine, the way she played is as if I am just bluffing. But judging from my repeated actions, its rather obvious what sort of cards that I am aiming for. She could have upped her bid way high and force me out of the game, in actual fact, she kept me in the game with small ups. In any case, I already knew what are her cards. In the end, I figured out that she was totally oblivious to the cards I was playing. At this point, fold is a better option, why sacrifice my capital for a situation where the opponent is treating it as a friendly match. I had learnt that protecting my capital is the most important thing in poker. No more, will I end up throwing capital freely, hoping for a set of strong but highly improbable suit. I had learn before the hard way, where I lost everything...and eventually had to borrow from others and in the end, had to repay the interest as well.

Usually, I always prefer to reveal my cards at the end of every game. However, for this, I won't. Maybe in the future, I might. But as soon as the cards were thrown back to the dealer to shuffle, I had already decided. In any case, in poker, we never show our hand until the very end.

Looking at the cards, i have a 7 spade and a 6 spade. When the dealer open the cards, it showed 8 club, 9 spade and 2 diamonds. Glancing at my limited capital, I up my bid, just so to see the next card. Burning one, and opening the next. 4 hearts. Damn..my heart sinks

I don't know whether I should carry on playing, what are the odds that either a 5 spade or 10 spade would appear.1/27 chance, assuming that no one is playing and that its ain't in the burned cards. The other person up his bid, flipping with my chip, should I follow or should I just fold and live for another day. I think its been pretty obvious by my actions, it will eventually boils down to fate for the river.

Still flipping the chip...to be continued.

CNY SGSS teachers' house visiting

This morning went to visit Mr Tuang's and Mrs Chang's in the afternoon. This year isn't so crazy as compared to as in the past because mainly cuz DK weren't around. As usual we chatted over our old memories in secondary 4. We even went all the way back to our primary school days as well because most of us are also from SGPS. Ren and me felt that we were really old as it has always been 7 years since we last left SGSS. Time truly flies sia...it has been a really great time in SGSS, we played pranks, studied like mad...all in all..its uber fun=P

Suppose to be doing some CF tutorial now, but thought maybe its much better spent blogging on this event that is held once every year. haha...Was chatting with Mrs Chang, then we were all talking about how whether we can still keep meeting like this every year. Its real funny when JC said that he booked us 3 years in advance le before our 10th anniversary...haha. Thinking forward, maybe it will be rather difficult for everyone of us to meet, cuz of work commitments..I can already spot future actuarial industry guys, an economist, a banker...jobs that potentially eat up our life. Mrs change was saying that things will be different, but she said it that we won't make it past our 5th year mark....but we did...haha..so as long as we have the heart to meet up, I think its still possible regardless of the situation. Of course, this sounds really optimistic but I feel we can still make 70% attendance=P

Even though these guys aren't like my really really close confidates, but they are still a very integral part of my growing up stage. JT had this quote that he written down on a card that he gave us during the new year eve party. " The most beautiful discovery that true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.." I think that pretty sums up our class friendship. =)

For some reason, I feel like blogging today.But......I don't really know what to type..haha...its like my mind n body are 2 different entities today=P...not emo leh..so nothing to write...haha...looks like I need to find my emo self to blog sia...lolz

yoohoo emo...where are u...haha

Lunar New Year 2011

Well well...its the end of the LNY weekend, well it has been a non stop rush of activities for me during this LNY period. For the past 2 weeks, I had been running up and down and made NTUC@Nex my second home...lolz...cuz of spring cleaning and stuff. Had spent a lot of money on clothes and tidying up my room with brand new containers and boxes. But at least now its tidy and to some extent its organised. But of course, through out the year, it will be back to normal messy stage again. Somehow this year CNY, didnt really have much of a feel leh...wonder whether its because of my family or is it the fengshui stars for this year, but seems that this year everyone like kinda sianz leh. Went to ah ma hse, and my parents never even gamble as well and my uncle also pointed that out to me when my bro and me went over to his hse later on at night. 2nd day, didnt really spend time at home as well cuz popo they all came over to webcam with my uncle in australia, however, told kel that will be going over to her hse for steamboat le. Speaking of which, I was stuffed as many prawns as possible by her mum. LOL....seems that my mahjong luck at her place was rather good...haha. Night watched alls well ends well 2011 with LY at nex again...

3rd day went to work, boring max and shag...then had dinner with dad's friends and watched another movie with my dad's friends kids. Then gamble at friend's place. Following day, played bball with andrew and gang, cuz andrew flying off to aussie soon so last chance liao...uber shag max. After that went to LY place for another steamboat. Kinda weird at first, cuz like 2 couples and me...but ok lah...nt too bad. Proved that east is a VERY bad direction to face this year, mahjong pay tuition fees like siao...but change to blackjack and won back a bit. Pangseh kel and her partner to go to PH...cuz really tired, if go over also sure stoned de. Over 3 days with less than 8 hrs of sleep= a stoned n agitated eugene...haha...watched another CNY movie with LY...chatted a bit about career paths.

Ernest sms me to go home and help him with his CCA selection. First time he send sms saying that he seriously need my help....which is really weird. Rushed back and spent the next 30 mins sorting out his mind to get him to choose the path that he thought will be the best for himself. I never tell him what cca he should go to though, just told him what he want and that if want, just try lo. Then have the rest as back-up, though shouldnt be ones that he wont like de lo...

One of friends recently commented that I am weird that at this age, I don't have a gf....of cuz its pretty disturbing cuz she finds me like an alien. I wanted to ask her why she thinks its weird, but just answered that I most probably haven't met the right one yet. Thought a bit about this issue lo, then I thought of my other friends who like me am single ever since we were born. Then I thought about in what way does she means, when she said that I am weird. Maybe she thinks thats its weird that I dont have a gf, so she suspects that I am gay?..lolz...or maybe she thinks I am an otaku?..lol...maybe she read this blog and wonder why I so emo and that should have meant that I had a gf?...haha..However, I think it doesn't make me any less than a person that maybe had relationships before. I learnt a lot through out this 4 years, though it may be considered, that I had ended up without a catch. 


I learnt how its really possible to love someone so much, that I am able to strive and change a lot for someone, to love someone unconditionally, to put aside my own yearnings for a better good, to re-adjust my thinkings to suit other, to accept the imperfections that come with them and most importantly, to have trust and faith in that someone. I also learnt how sometimes things don't go your way, how people varies, how sometimes you want this person so much that you lose sight of the obvious signs. I learnt that sometimes someone always seems unsure of their feelings, they want certain things as well as keep the status quo. As well as some people are really oblivious to obvious hints( to me that is lah...maybe i am wrong=P). 


Needless to say, I learnt a lot about myself, my thoughts, how certain things can lead me to the darker side of things. The long period of black and white in life, the feeling of helpless at times, the feeling of loneliness and stuff like this. Of course, I phrased it in such way that it really seems that I been through a lot...but I am sure that there are others out there who had it worse. However, these are truly the lessons in life that affect and mold me the most to the person that I am today. Maybe in some sense, one can says that I am noob is that I never been in a real relationship before and that I don't understand the dynamics of being in one, so maybe I am weird after all...haha


In the future, I may meet someone, I may not as well...but if I am fortunate enough to be with someone, I am sure that I won't let that person down and that I will do my best to provide her with the things that I promise her.=)

A cheese on a mouse trap.

Recently, a recurring thought has been passing through my mind over and over again. I do not know whether is it a blessing or a nightmare waiting to happen. It has recently been eating me up, because it affects a very important person in my life. Various thoughts have been floating in my head, the probable good times, the probable bad times...the what ifs, the what hads....At times it felt like a dream comes true, and at times it felt like a disaster waiting to happen.

I had to admit that I was really confused for some time. Somehow, I began to see things more rationally. Maybe its due to fengshui or maybe my mind has configure in such a way. On hindsight, its really very much like a cheese on a mouse-trap. There were too many doubts about the whole situation and that too much was at stake.

Most importantly, is that I don't forget what I had set out to do in the beginning. What might happen in the future will be better left to the future me to decide. Whether a not some things are the right decisions in life, I would not have known until it has taken effect. So why bother about it now?

The aim that I had set out initially is much more important than my own personal yearnings. Will I rue it in the future? maybe...will I have regrets?..I doubt so cuz I think its the best move currently. Now, I am at peace.