Happy 6 years of Friendship...and counting...=)

This year, she didn't wish me birthday on the 28th. I knew that given her circumstances, she most probably won't be able to. I know that no matter where she is, she will  somehow contact me, to let me knw that she is still alive and well somewhere. I already knew she is hardly at home anymore, but as long as she is safe and well, I dont ask for anything more. Somehow, I knew that this year will be different, no sms or anything, I kinda expected it. And, no I am not unhappy or angry about it, I think it has reach to a level, where if u can reply me, even a sentence, I see that u are still using whatsapp, and I will be contented knowing that u are safe and alive.

She did had a blog entry for me to read, and luckily I read today and not yesterday, not very nice to be a bit emotional on your birthday right?..haha. She posted the entry just after midnight, same time when I was trying to get adeline to sing me a birthday song over the phone. Everytime, I thought and think through about our lives, all the way back to 2006 late april where we officially started as friends,yes it has been a long 6 years, how we evolve through time. How we gradually accepted the fact that it is not possible for us to meet whenever we need each other, how we are really grateful for how little time we have each other, be it 20 mins or an hour, I am truly am grateful for it.

Unlike ly, I cannot eliminate friends from my circle. I did thought of it before, but I can't. I used to think that I am giving too much in this friendship, and all I get back are just..well..not as much as I thought it should be. Its really damn painful at first, but as time goes on, as I grew older. I learnt that when you really truly cared about someone, its not something that is measurable anymore. I don't expect anything anymore, as long as you are happy and safe, I will be contented. I still care as much as the day when I rushed down to NYJC on 2006, to see her crying in front of me, and all I wanted to was to tell her that everything will be alright, how depressing for me to see you like this.

She is not a typical person like most of the people I know and have talked to in depth. Her life is not a very smooth sailing one, but she has always pull through no matter what the odds are, and one of the reasons, why I had always respected her for that. To say the truth, I also dunno what I can bring to her life. All I know is just to be there for her whenever she needs me, be it spiritually or in person.

I am not entirely surprised to know that again she had disappeared away from my life, its just her, I can't change her. All along she is that kind of person, every now and then, periodically,she will pop in and after awhile she will be gone again.

That is because from then on I know when I sit alone.
There will be someone wishing the best for me.
There will be someone that will listen and come downstairs.
That I will never be truely alone anymore. 


This  is an excerpt from the entry. And yes, as we kept walking and living on this earth, as we move on to other stages of life, moving on to different worlds with different lifestyles and people that we will meet , we both know the fact that no matter how life hit us hard, so hard that it seems that there is no one in this world that believe in us, there will be someone that is always there, just a phone call away as always=)


And, yes, we had made it...we both had work hard on it, lets keep on moving and recovering from whatever setbacks we had both suffered individually over the years. I will always be here whenever you need me, as usual, Samantha. =)


So, do take care of yourself, and I also hope that you will be happy and well. Do contact me whenever you can, yeah?=)

April 28th

Had someone sang a korean birthday song to me...oks...its both of us sang in the early morning...lucky I reach home in time to answer the call...if not, yi ge sianz...haha..its not really that ideal...but still we made it thru the whole song..so I am happy..haha

Also, had my last lesson of school life today, kinda mixed feelings, but had a great time talking cock with the guys...haha...talking about random stuffs and all. When I saw the messages from facebook, I know this might sound cliche and all..but I felt really blessed to see friends just wish me a simple Happy Birthday, even acquaintances. So, I replied to each and every one of them who wished me, though its a bit long and tedious, but feels that I should do it still. Lunch went to meet longyu, supposed want to eat a quickie, but ended up talking the entire afternoon away, but it has been some time since we last chat, so its good to hear from her about her updates from her life.

Earlier had celebrated birthday dinner with pig as well on tuesday, had a nice dinner at santouka ramen, nice to hear that pig is settling well into her job though I did make a comment about her dressing, oops..lolz.

Was reading a post last year on my birthday and I wrote about 2012 being a year of new beginnings, I hope that its true. This year seems a year that I had a lot of firsts. Somehow, this year I feel that I am pretty slack as compared to the previous years, maybe its the graduate year effect. So, later after having my birthday cake, back to do some mugging. Like really seriously. lolz...well this a Happy Post right? Good start...hopefully, there will be more of such posts in the future=)

Like a Deranged Maniac

Oks just now thats the post about my grandma. Now its the post about me being pessimistic well at least innately. I was walking down to my grandma place, so took some time to think of some things. Ever since 6 years ago, I think scars were left on me that I became afraid to take risk anymore, and the fear and greed for something leave me being an utterly irrational as well as a in a way deranged person?..haha...oks thats might be too strong a word to use.

I became very hopeful about things that I sense and start to assume a lot of things. And, needless to say, the sub-concious starts to formulate expectations in the mind and all. Things kinda went overdrive and all, and all logical or rather ethical thinkings are thrown out of the window. Its kinda a feeling of panic, like a gambling addict. When the addict is in a debt, and he knows that he has a slight probability of winning, he decided to all in and borrow more to all in so that he can recoup his debts. The frantic and maniac feeling that this is it, the final battle, the way out, and it all boils down to a probability game. So much uncertainty, and all, no prior indicators, treating each game as its the final one, the one which will finally leads to salvation.

I think its things like this that is the thin line between self-destruction and sanity, especially emotionally charged people like me. So, various quotes by many people in my life, start to float in my head. "It takes 2"," If you are serious, go for it." ,"You think too much, go with the flow", "You are too picky already"...etc etc. And of course the words that were foretold.

Falling back on the mantra of " Take a deep breath, and take a step back" and reminding myself of the "Precious Present", I kinda able to see things with a clearer picture. Well, I cannot guaranteed these negative emotions wont be around again, its not like things like these can settle within a day or two, something as innate as this, will take time. But, hopefully, I am able to take it on the chin . Least, I am at peace again.=)

POPO

Today, as I was leaving my Popo house, I was waiting at the lift door( its the new upgrade so now the lift is just at my grandma's floor). So, I was waiting for the lift after saying goodbye, so once the door opens, I was about to enter. A word " be careful" in chinese, my grandma said. I didn't realise that she still haven't enter the house yet and was waiting for me to enter the lift.

For a moment, I felt  really blessed and lucky. I always treasure the times at my grandma's place ever since I stopped staying there everyday since since sec 2. As I grew older, scoldings were less,these days simple conversations like food prices and the fantastic bargains that she was able to get on her shopping trips. Seriously, she is a great bargain hunter...really. Everytime, I head to her place, just simple conversations like this, sometimes I don't really talk much cuz I was thinking about other things. Still I treasure the 20 minutes there. 

There were a lot of times, where we take our grandparents for granted. Just like how my grandma was watching at me just now, and waited for me to enter the lift. I felt a bit guilty as well, and think what I can do to be better.

I guess thats what people say about family. It sort of gives you the warm and fluffy feeling inside of you at times.  I think I am a kinda pessimist by nature, and my first instinct in all my reactions are negative or the worst that things can happen. So everytime, I go to Popo hse, for a while, I let go those emotions. Because, ever since witnessing first hand how my paternal grandad passed away, my world and how I treat my family especially my grandparents kinda changed. I told myself that for these 20 mins I will try to be present and connect with my popo...I cant really talk with my gong gong, cuz not that close in the beginning, but will help him if he ever needs some help translating letters. 

I guess its only when one grows up and encounter death first hand, then one really cherishes the people around them. Like the saying goes, till one feels pain, one will never learn. 

Past,Future and Present

Don't know if many of you had read the " Precious Present" post, sorry for the small font...will adjust the font later. It seems that its my mantra of the month I guess..lolz. And I think its a very apt and appropriate mantra to always remember. Especially this phrase: "My past was the present.  And my future will be the present.  The present moment is the only reality I ever experience."


For example, I am worried about my exams, I feel the fear of failure, the possibility that I let down myself and the people around me. The Possibility that this will impact my future career aspirations, the guilt and regret will overcome me. But, this is what it means of living in the future, the expectations of the IF in the future, and eventually its your expected future that affect your present. Be it the uncertainty or the pain of not possibly achieving it. 


Now for the past, I am afraid that some things I did or said or even experienced before might very well come back and haunt me. So, I will do things and react in a certain way so to avoid  facing the same issue or even trying to right the wrong. Or maybe due to what has happened in the past, it was brought forward to the current, and that I would resent it and detest it. So, what happen, is that you will see an agitated me. Similarly, like what had been explained in the previous paragraph, the past had affected my present. Like future, it determined my present, and lets say it prolonged, so will the future be affected.


I cannot say that I had totally achieved the ultimate level, to tell you the truth, I don't think its even possible, except the more disciplined humans on this earth. But, for the average mortals like us, as long as we try to live by it, we will always be a much peaceful and happier lot. 

Precious Present

Today is rather super sianz day and not least after news from 2 persons who had an impact on my life reached me, its not a very good summation after all. But in anyways, I won't be saying about the 2. Just me. Am sorry if anyone read this and exclaim " oh man..its another emo post again"...

Today, woke up,decided to do some korean studying...did a bit, but when I wanted to grab my uni stuff to study, I can't bring myself to. I think I seriously am not suited for the home studying this season, and I wonder why. To tell you the truth, I am @!@#$%^& pissed with myself for not being able to carry on mugging and sticking to my plans. I know most of you will think that I am paranoid, mad or perfectionist...but I always put pressure on myself because I know thats how I will chiong. I know this might sound weird, but I am stressed over not being stressed, get it?

Wonder whether its because of can't being able to concentrate or something. But regardless the reason, I really can't stand it when I see the 24 hrs ticking down. And when You think about reality, you know that life really sucks sometimes, of course, its not as bad as some others in the world. The magnitude of sucks is just relative to my ownself. Just a disclaimer here.

Once there was a boy. . . . Who listened to an old man.  And, thus, he began to learn about The Precious Present.  "It is a present because it is a gift," the contented man explained.  "And it is precious because anyone who receives such a present is happy forever."
"Wow!" the little boy exclaimed.  "I hope someone gives me The Precious Present.  Maybe I'll get it for Christmas."  The boy ran off to play.  And the old man smiled.  He liked to watch the little boy play.  He saw the smile on the youngster's face and heard him laughing as he swung from a nearby tree.  The boy was happy.  And it was a joy to see.
The old man also liked to watch the boy work.  He even rose early on Saturday mornings to watch the little laborer mow the lawn across the street.  The boy actually whistled while he worked.  The little child was happy no matter what he was doing.  It was, indeed, a joy to behold.
When he thought about what the old man had said, the boy thought he understood.  He knew about presents.  Like the bicycle he got for his birthday and the gifts he found under the tree on Christmas morning.  But as the boy thought more about it, he knew.  The joy of toys never lasts forever.
The boy began to feel uneasy.  "What then," he wondered, "is The Precious Present?  What could possibly make me happy forever?"  He found it difficult to even imagine the answer.  And so he returned to ask the old man.




"Is the Present a magical ring?  One that I might put on my finger and make all my wishes come true?" 
"No," the old man said.   "The precious present has nothing to do with wishing."
As the boy grew older he continued to wonder.  He went to the old man.  "Is the Precious Present a flying carpet?" he inquired.  "One that I could get on and go any place that I like?"
"No," the man quietly replied.   "When you have the precious present, you will be perfectly content to be where you are."
The boy was becoming a young man now, and felt a bit foolish for asking. But he was uncomfortable. He began to see that he was not achieving what he wanted. "Is the Precious Present," he slowly ventured, "a sunken treasure? Perhaps rare gold coins buried by pirates long ago?"
"No, young man," the old man told him. "It is not.  The richness is rare, indeed, but the wealth of the Present comes only from itself."
The young man thought for a moment. Then he became annoyed. "You told me," the young man said, "that anyone who receives such a present would be happy forever. I never got such a gift as a child."
"I'm afraid you don't understand," the old man responded.  "You already know what the Precious Present is.  You already know where to find it.  And you already know how it can make you happy.  You knew it best when you were a small child.  You simply have forgotten."


The young man went away to think. But as time passed, he became frustrated, and finally angry. He eventually confronted the old man. "If you want me to be happy," the young man shouted, "why don't you just tell me what the Precious Present is?"
"And where to find it?" the old man volleyed.
"Yes, exactly," the young man demanded.
"I would like to," the old man began. "But I do not have such power.  No one does.  Only you have the power to make yourself happy.  Only you.  The Precious Present isn't something that someone gives you.  It's a gift that you give yourself."
The young man was confused, but determined.  He resolved to find the Precious Present himself.  And so he packed his bags.  He left where he was.  And went elsewhere.  To look for the Precious Present.
After many frustrating years, the man grew tired of looking for the Precious Present. He had read all the latest books.  And he had looked in The Wall Street Journal.  He had looked into the mirror.  And into the faces of other people.  He had wanted so much to find the Precious Present.  He had gone to extraordinary lengths.  He had looked for it at the tops of mountains and in cold dark caves.  He had searched for it in dense, humid jungles.  And underneath the seas.  But it was all to no avail.  His stressful search had exhausted him.  He even became ill occasionally.  But he did not know why.
The man returned wearily to the old man's side.  The old man was happy to see him.  They often laughed out loud together.  The young man liked to be with the old man.  He felt happy in his presence.  He guessed that this was because the old man felt happy with himself.  It wasn't that the old man's life was so trouble-free.  He didn't appear to have a lot of money.  He seemed to be alone most of the time.  In fact, there was no apparent reason why he was so much happier and healthier than most people were.  But happy he was.  And so were those who spent time with him.  "Why does it feel so good to be with him?" the young man wondered.  "Why?" He left wondering.


After many years, the once-young man returned to inquire further.  He was now very unhappy and often ill.  He needed to talk with the old man.  But the old man had grown very, very old.  And, all too soon, he spoke no more.  The wise voice could no longer be heard.
The man was alone.  At first, he was saddened by the loss of his old friend.  And then he became frightened.  Very frightened.  He was afraid that he would never learn how to be happy.  Until  finally he accepted what had always been true.  He was the only one who could find his own happiness.  The unhappy man recalled what the happy old man had told him so many years ago.  But as hard as he tried he could not figure it out; he tried to understand what he had heard:
THE PRESENT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WISHING. . . WHEN YOU HAVE THE PRESENT YOU WILL BE PERFECTLY CONTENT TO BE WHERE YOU ARE. . . THE RICHNESS OF THE PRESENT COMES FROM ITS OWN SOURCE. . . THE PRESENT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE GIVES YOU. . . IT IS SOMETHING THAT YOU GIVE TO YOURSELF. . . .
The unhappy man was now tired of looking for the Precious Present.  He had grown so tired of trying that he simply stopped trying.  And then, it happened!  He didn't know why it happened when it happened.  It just. . . happened!  He realized that the Precious Present was just that:  THE PRESENT.  Not the past, and not the future, but THE PRECIOUS PRESENT.
In an instant the man was happy.  He realized that he was in the Precious Present.  He raised both hands triumphantly into the cool, fresh air.  He was joyous--for one moment.  But then, just as quickly as he had discovered it, he let the joy of the present moment evaporate.  He slowly lowered his hands, touched his forehead, and frowned.  The man was unhappy--again.
"Why," he asked himself, "didn't I see the obvious long ago?  Why have I missed so many precious moments?"  "Why has it taken me so long to live in the present?"  As the man remembered his fruitless travels around the world in his search for the Precious Present, he knew how much happiness he had lost.
He had not experienced what each special time and place had to offer.  He had missed a great deal.  And he felt sad.  The man continued to berate himself.  And then he saw what he was doing.  He observed that he was trapped by his guilt about his past.
When he became aware of his unhappiness and of his being in the past, he returned to the present moment.  And he was happy.  But then the man began to worry about the future.  "Will I," he asked, "be able to know the joy of living in the Precious Present tomorrow?"  Then he saw he was living in the future and laughed--at himself.
He listened to what he now knew.  And he heard the wisdom of his own voice.  "It is wise for me to think about the past and to learn from it, but it is not wise for me to be in the past, for that is how I lose myself.
"It is also wise for me to think about the future, and to prepare for my future, but it is not wise for me to be in the future, for that, too, is how I lose myself.  I lose what is precious to me."
It was so simple.  And now he saw it.  The present nourished him.  But the man knew it was not going to be easy.  Learning to be in the present was a process he was going to have to do over and over, again and again, until it became a part of him.  Now he knew why he had enjoyed being with the old man.
The old man was totally present when he was with the younger man.  The old man was not thinking about something else or wishing that he was somewhere else.  He was fully present.  And it felt good to be with such a person.  The younger man smiled at himself, the way the old man used to smile.  He knew.  "I can choose to be happy now, or I can try to be happy when. . . or if. . . ."
The man chose NOW!  And now the man was happy.  He felt at peace with himself.  He agreed to savor each moment in his life. . .  The apparently good and the apparently bad. . . Even if he didn't understand.  For the first time in his life, it didn't matter.  He accepted each of his precious moments on this planet as a gift.
"I know that some people choose to receive the Precious Present when they are young, others in middle age, and some when they are old.  Some people, sadly, never do.  I can choose to receive the Precious Present whenever I want."
As the man sat thinking, he felt fortunate.  He was who he was, where he was.  And now he knew!  He would always be whom he was where he was.
He listened again to his thoughts.  "The present is what it is.  It is valuable.  Even I do not know why.  It is already just the way it is supposed to be.  When I see the present, accept the present, and experience the present, I am well, and I am happy.  Pain is simply the difference between what is and what I want it to be.
"When I feel guilty over my imperfect past, or I am anxious over my unknown future, I do not live in the present.  I experience pain.  I make myself ill.  And I am unhappy.
"My past was the present.  And my future will be the present.  The present moment is the only reality I ever experience.
"As long as I continue to stay in the present, I am happy forever, because forever is always the present.
"The present is simply who I am, just the way I am, right now.  And it is precious.  I am precious.  I am the Precious Present."
It was as though he could hear the old man talking.  And then he smiled.  And his smile widened.  And he laughed.  He felt great joy.  He knew he was listening, not to the old man. . . But to himself.
It felt good for him to be with himself--just the way he was.  He felt he knew enough.  He felt he had enough.  He felt he was enough.  Now.
He had finally found the Precious Present.  And he was completely happy.
Several decades later, the man had grown into a happy, prosperous, and healthy old man.  One day a little girl came by to talk to him.  She liked to listen to "the old man," as she called him.  It was fun to be with him.  There was something special about him.  But she didn't know what it was.
One day, the little girl began to really listen to the old man.  Somehow she sensed something important in his calm voice.  He seemed very happy.  The little girl couldn't understand why.  "How could someone so old," she wondered, "be so happy?"  She asked and the old man told her why.
Then all of a sudden, the little girl jumped up and squealed with delight!  As the girl ran off to play, the old man smiled.  For he heard what she had said:  "Wow!" she exclaimed.  "I hope someday someone gives me the Precious Present!"


Just something for you guys to read. 

Bishan Park Exploration

 Wide Open Fields

 Sun-tan anyone?

 Mac in the middle of nowhere

 Must run behind this red marker for safety when floods

 A piece of old bishan park kept

 Damn Pain!!!@@#$%^^

 Just to prove I am actually here

 First Foray into the river

 Chilling at Mac

 Inside the structure

 The view from the top most point of bishan park

 Escargots anyone? tee hee

Postlude

Well, now its exactly 1.47am. I think I kinda satisfied the writer in me. Haha...I can't really think of anything to end this barrage of entries. Lol...and seems like its gonna rain again...just saw lightning flashed passed....oks I really ran out of topic. So, good night.

On nature

For some reasons, I am very very drawn towards nature. I always yearn for the wide and open spaces of a plateau, the loud crashes of the sea waves on the beaches, the rustling of the leaves whenever the wind blows, the ever changing hues of colours. And the list goes on. Do any of you notice them? Maybe its my character, the kind of person that even if I went past or done something before, but there will be times where I will be like " wow...its still beautiful", or why didn't i notice it before?".

Sometimes it could also be the small and narrow minded thinking of being in singapore, and that's why I yearn for such wide spaces. I can never forget a scene in Blue Mountains, Sydney.

Back in 2004, I had the privilege of having an outdoor hiking trip in the blue mountains. Its my first outdoor trip, and me being a nerd/geek/ city boy, all these strenuous activities quite something for me. I vividly remember this scene. It was the 3rd day of hiking and now we are moving up slope, so it was tougher, I can still remember wei ren behind me and kept saying " lets keep going, lets keep going" like in the finding nemo movie. Then there was this huge canopy of trees that cover most of the sunlight which was cool-ling since its pretty hot. Suddenly, in front, people were cheering and saying that its near the end, and then utter silence. As I was wondering why, I too reach the spot where this phenomenal happens. Let me describe to you, in front of me was like some kind of hedge of plants and vines that had grown onto the fences so there is this short steps where one can climb over. Keeping in mind, the lighting was still quite dark due to the canopy and once you cross the steps, there is this blinding light. So being tired as I was, my head was hanging downwards. As I made my way through the steps and crossed across. The wind blows strongly, I shade my eyes from the blinding sun, and in front of me was a sight that I can never ever forget. Hills rolling besides each other, the valley of mountains in the distance, and the colourful flowers that were all around us. Red, purple, blue and yellow...all moving according to where the wind blows. Everyone that crossed, were just silent. There were no need for sounds, nature has taken it away from us and in return, exchange with such breath-taking scenery,

Ever since then, like a sindarin elf that once heard the ocean( LOTR trivia), I can never get that feeling out of my soul. Singapore also have their own sights and scenery, places like at Promontory near the Marina Financial Centre. It never fails to take my breath away, whenever, I am feeling down or lost. I would always turn up there and take in the sights and feel the wind blowing. Its really an awesome place.

Where/Who/What am I ?

Losing one self. I am sure many of us have felt it, I for sure have many such experiences. Or maybe its just a very prevalent mental disease that affects everyone but people don't show it. I am someone that strongly believes in taking a break when one feels that one is running without an aim, without a goal and that feeling of aimless is eating your very soul. Sometimes, the reason why one runs without stopping and from one activity to another, might be due to the very reason of running away from things. Of course, you might never really know it until you become frank with yourself. I am not saying this is true for everyone, I mean...look its good to have an unrelenting behaviour in chasing after your dreams and goals, look where Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerburg is.

But to me, without a target, a destination...I always feel that I cannot commit myself fully to something. Its like only when the stars are aligned and then we go to war. I figured life is pretty much really the same, make peace with yourself and you will never feel lost again.

Prelude

Well today feel like blogging today, maybe because been listening to too much emotional OSTs so it bring out the emotional side of me today...haha. Though as ridiculously as this may sounds, but somehow being emo kinda brings a balance to one's life. Being emo, forces someone to stop and think and reflect on the past so as to determine what causes the current situation. If we don't stop to think and pause, and rather just keep chionging, making  the situation much worse than it is...won't it be even worse off?

While listening to the emo tunes, there's no lyrics, just the tunes. Who needs songs to feel emo de, music can do the tricks already...haha. I can feel writer in me getting stirred up again. As well as the constant thought that I am already 23, soon to be 24 and that should appreciate life more before selling your soul to society and all. At the same time, the fighter in me, shouts " You shall not steal the kid in me!" I guess life would have reply with a smirk " Try, just try mortal"...haha

Within a blink of an eye, the falling of the sand, the clouds fades and gathers, its already the end of march and the beginning of april. There you have it, the first quarter of 2012 is over. To tell you guys the truth, seriously touch my heart kind, anyways, here also no secrets from any of you who stumble here...cuz you all have special access only...so no secrets between us...haha. For some reason, this time exams, I am not in a panic mode(2010), neither am I in the zone mode(2011) but rather in a...I don't know...calm mode? Yes, there are pressure being felt at certain areas, but its not the severe kind of pain that will freak me out. Wonder whether its the smoothing effect after the previous 2 years. Feel like having a break tomorrow and go out and explore, not shop( i spend too much le..lol)..but to go out, experience the little subtleties of life. If I ever get my lazy bum out.

I don't know about much of you peeps, but have you ever try to communicate with your inner self? I don't know how to put this out to you, but I feel that we always have multiple selves within our own body. Sometimes, there is this inner voice that talks to you. Just like the devil and angel that always happens in cartoons and start whispering in your ear right...haha. To me, its only when this inner self and me, the external soul that is of one harmony, then I feel that the world is for me to conquer. To put it in a more cliché phrase, "When the heart and mind are one, will the body be at peace".

And maybe thats why I was contemplating whether to skip tomorrow or rather today's lesson in 8 hrs time, so that I can spend more time with my inner self and try to find the harmony between both of us.