Like a Deranged Maniac

Oks just now thats the post about my grandma. Now its the post about me being pessimistic well at least innately. I was walking down to my grandma place, so took some time to think of some things. Ever since 6 years ago, I think scars were left on me that I became afraid to take risk anymore, and the fear and greed for something leave me being an utterly irrational as well as a in a way deranged person?..haha...oks thats might be too strong a word to use.

I became very hopeful about things that I sense and start to assume a lot of things. And, needless to say, the sub-concious starts to formulate expectations in the mind and all. Things kinda went overdrive and all, and all logical or rather ethical thinkings are thrown out of the window. Its kinda a feeling of panic, like a gambling addict. When the addict is in a debt, and he knows that he has a slight probability of winning, he decided to all in and borrow more to all in so that he can recoup his debts. The frantic and maniac feeling that this is it, the final battle, the way out, and it all boils down to a probability game. So much uncertainty, and all, no prior indicators, treating each game as its the final one, the one which will finally leads to salvation.

I think its things like this that is the thin line between self-destruction and sanity, especially emotionally charged people like me. So, various quotes by many people in my life, start to float in my head. "It takes 2"," If you are serious, go for it." ,"You think too much, go with the flow", "You are too picky already"...etc etc. And of course the words that were foretold.

Falling back on the mantra of " Take a deep breath, and take a step back" and reminding myself of the "Precious Present", I kinda able to see things with a clearer picture. Well, I cannot guaranteed these negative emotions wont be around again, its not like things like these can settle within a day or two, something as innate as this, will take time. But, hopefully, I am able to take it on the chin . Least, I am at peace again.=)