Re-discovery

So I finally let her go, I couldn't really take it anymore. I cut off her twitter and instagram, and I told her that I won't be in contact with her anymore. However, I want her to still send me some pics every now and then, and if possible, just some snippets on how she is doing. I said that I may or may not reply. I just want to know she is alright. 

I don't like it, I hate cutting people away from my life. I rather they slowly move away, rather than just take a surgical knife and cut away from me. Its like a flesh of me is being lost. However, this is getting too much. Its like a virus, its eating my life away, I am losing control of my other aspects of life. I broke down a few days back, I couldn't handle it anymore. I was fed up and despair sets in, I cannot see the end of the tunnel anymore, I thought I was more than capable to handle everything. For I thought that I have been through the worst, and I survived it. I was like a man drowning, I was desperate to grab anything that is available to me. When you want to survive, you will do anything. And I mean anything. It dawned on to me, that where is the root of the problem. Its her. Still her. and always her. No matter how much I deny it, No matter how much I used meditation, No matter how much I read about positive articles, she is still there. Yes, Love don't break even. 

Its not a good process, the brain is still trying to feel its way around, over losing a portion of your life. Its like losing a limb where the nerves are still feeling it, but the limb is not there anymore. I said things to zhenni and eva, which I shouldn't have because I wanted them to make up for the loss. Its nothing serious, but I knew what I wanted. I kinda understand why Sam MIA le. 

Similarly, I need to embark on a journey to rediscover myself, I guess all these have made me question a lot of things in my life, and in a way tired of some stuffs as well. Really feel like travelling, but lack of money..although I know thats not a valid reason. If I am born in a Western culture, I might be able to do that. In Asia, this is not really that easy, for one's life is still tied to our family ties, we are accountable to them. At times, I don't really know where I am going, to be honest, I still don't have a single clue. I just know that life is still moving on, time is still ticking. Hence, I don't want to waste too much time, but of course, some things cannot be rushed. 

I hope that I can leave my old self behind. Actually, can't really say I hope bah. I have to. I need to cut off the additional baggage and walk again.