Hard work, Hard work and more Hard work

Well depression is indeed contagious, just now went out with longyu because she recently ended a seemingly kinda bad relationship with a les and that she felt terrible inside. She reminded me a lot of what I kept telling Sam and others a couple of months back. The period where rationality is still strong, and the belief that whatever you are doing is right. Kept asking me on how to cope, on this and that. I wanted to tell her some stuffs then I stopped because I felt that she will not hear whatever I said, and I do not want to impede her process in letting go. She kept going on and on, so I just listened and give some random remarks. And then it happened.

Adeline messaged me, and asked me when can we meet up so that I can pass her the race pack for this friday Sundown. I mean I knew that I will have to meet up with her but I guess when something you know its going to happen and when a situation is being played out, its kinda 2 different things. And in the end, the dam of emotions just break upon me, I had to seriously steady myself in front of ly, because I don't want to ended up being a maniac. And so, all the anger, resent, indignant and awkwardness came back to me. My heart rate went up, and I can feel the irrational portion of me taking a stronger hold on my decision making capabilities. It really took me some time and persuasion on my part to tell myself to hold back and take deep breaths. When she wanted to change the dates, I felt anger again..I felt that why are you always like that? and a bit of " Is it cuz of him?"...Again, I restrained myself and accepted the change of dates.

This is not an easy process, there is a lot of hard work needed to be done. To wake up and tell yourself to let go. And when things happen, to tell yourself what you had set out to do. When places we were at, her place which I have to go past everyday to work, to tell yourself that its over and that those are in the past and should never exist ever again in the present. However, this route is something I had chosen and that I am responsible for the emotions and thoughts that I have to undergo. As much as I want to just say " screw it and I am going to disappear away from your life" , but I think I hold on to my principles very strongly.When I gave you my word, I will do my utmost best in it. If I promise you something, by hook or by crook, even at the expense of myself, I will do it. That's my belief in life. And that's something I live by in life.