Haiz...mistakes and more mistakes...when I will ever learn...
I was very gutted by what happen today...really...I came out of the exam hall feeling that for the 1st time in my life...I can tell u...I am going to flung my maths...seriously...I never ever done a maths paper so badly in my life..doubt will ever pass now...dunno how to face my parents, my teacher...and myself...haiz...but what can I do now...just mug?? thats what J.C kept on trying to tell me to do...actually sort of expected it...but didnt knew that it would turn out this way...juz now went to play bball alone...its only 45 mins...tired myself out but still cannot get rid of the pain inside me...exams coming and I am getting such results...Actually, what I am absolutely gutted was that I gave out super easy this time round...why...I also dunno, in the past, I still remember that I still kept on pushing even though I was so dead liao...but maybe thats O levels for u...last minute still can...but A levels, I doubt so....or maybe its the fact from an A dropping to a F....OMG...thought on a lot of things...on why I didnt concentrate during the june holidays...told myself that but in the end still like that...
J.C told me that his motivation was going back to st gab. and being able to look into the teacher face,eye to eye, and tell him..." I got 3 As"...thats his motivation...what's mine..I dunno...in the past, I juz kept ploughing because I feel that I should do that...so there wasnt really much motivation in my studies...but ever since coming to JC....its a totally change for me...I was so easily distracted by lots of things....friendships...and other stuffs....damn...really hated myself for being so lack of discipline...totally lost myself in the process...am I able to find my old self back??..I doubt so...after all that I have been through this 2 years...once is gone, it needs a miracle to come back...feel that I should just rediscover myself...have a bit of the old and new in me...need to undergo some serious remodifications...lol...
My confidence has also been slipping from me...dun understand why too....actually I dont think my situation is very bad...but its my mindset that is pulling me down..I think...well it really depends how my econs and phys. fare....then I will know how bad the situation is....today on the way home from bball, saw a lot of st gabs. students...wondering how time has pass so fast...wondering how was I last time to be so happy and focused on my work...now I kinda look pathetic...haha...though I dont look like it rite...now also has less tuition to help me...and everything...so I must put in more effort...
Come to think of it...maybe this time failure in my maths paper forced me to wake up to reality...that time is all against us...I now have a huge mountain to scale...but I am still going to scaled it...no more am I going to turn my head and look down...even if I am going down...I must keep my head up and look towards the peak...thats my dream...thats my goal...yeah...J.C was right...even if it is late...but it is never late to do something that should be done...now I undertand why...coz for most of the holidays...I have been wallowing in my own world...and everything...dwelling in something that was only one-sided all this while with no certainty that dream will ever come true...most probably it wont...even if I missed this chance, I will not regret it coz thr future is important now..no matter what people says about studies isnt everything...but I feel that without studies, you will lose everything...sometimes we are so caught up in the present, we tend to neglect the future..we cannot predict the future but we can prepare for it...and that is what I will do from now on...no longer am I going to say that there is no more time anymore...if I really going to fail my maths, I will answer to the people...must be responsible from now on...and set my priorities right...because the future doesnt concern me alone..it is link to everyone...though my parents dun say it...but I know that they have high hopes for me...I promised my mum that I will sponser her on her travels in the future...and now I must carried out that promise...this is my 1st step...I dont want to see her still moving around and cleaning the house like a maid...though she is not that old...but she is not that young either...I also dont want my siblings to have a such a lousy brother...a brother who cant even get into the U due to his inability to concentrate..no...i dont want to be labeled as a useless bum...no....the wind is blowing, the clouds shifting...time waits for no man...
I am not going to complain anymore about the time and effort that I must now put in in preparations for my Prelims...no...I am going to enjoy it...I am going to enjoy studying...I must get my desired results...must keep my promise...I must not give up...no I must carry on even if it meant sacrificing lots of stuff......
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