Of Now and Yesterday

As I woke up today, did my usual stuffs, watch an episode of Big Bang Theory. Planned some small goals for the day. I went to buy breakfast, and I noticed how wonderful the sunlight bounced off the green leaves of trees. Appreciate the nice view and the feeling of the early morning sunlight. Watched a nice motivational movie based on a true story as well.

As I just move around to the kitchen and getting a glass of milk. I thought about Adeline, and how 1 year had just passed like that. I thought of now and yesterday, and I smiled and said to myself.

Well then, I guess this is the kind of life I can live and carry on. It actually ain't that bad at all. 

Awesome Celebrations

Its another year again, and my birthday just passed as of yesterday. Its more happening than my 21st, I would have to say. Ben Song managed to get me to puke in the end, had a flaming tower followed by a trip to wine bar outside of zouk. Did gangnam style dance on the stage at Switch with Ben, stayed up will 4am with the guys. I am happy that I was able to spend the first few hours of my birthday with the guys. It was stupid at times, sometimes silence, but overall, its nice. Its just the way things are, the way my life has always been.

Reached home at 4am, woke up at 7am. Initially, was a bit emo because was chatting with Adeline, as she wished me a happy birthday. Furthermore, it was raining heavily. So it was pretty gloomy, so was chatting over WhatsApp with Eva, which kinda lift me up a little. Really xmm. Was still a bit tired from the crazy drinking night a few hours ago, but for some reason was damn wide eyed though.

Later went to meet up with Zhenni, and I managed to get the car. So, drove to her place and then we went to Nook which is a DIY pancake place. We had quite some fun, trying to make pancakes of various shapes and animals. Rather most of the time, she was making it. I was trying to finish them up, and erm...its pretty impossible..damn waste food in the end. haha..

She says her cousin keep putting us together, and that she says its impossible cuz we are BFF. I was slightly disappointed, but in the end, I just laugh it off. Somehow, all these don't really matter to me anymore. Haha. By a stroke of luck, I also got a summon because never put parking coupon, and she said that she reminded me le, but I brushed it off thinking that for all car parks sunday should be free de.Oh wells. After feeling damn full, we went to Carpenter and Cook for a cup of coffee. Really need something bitter to wash down the mass pancakes.

Its a nice dainty place in bukit timah, coffee was not bad. Not super awesome, but decent coffee in the area with good ambience. After that, with some time left, we decided to take a car drive around. From Bukit Timah, to Orchard, to MBS area and than to the same place I brought her at night previously. Just ping gan juan and drive lo, bu zi bu jue went back to the same place.  Just bumming around, and talking without filters again, she threatened to push me into a small pond and all, I said I will drag her down. Then, I grabbed her shoulders and threatened to push her down..quite funny. After that, she said want to go home. I said don't want. So I sat down at the bench and she stood behind me for awhile, told her that I am very stubborn de. So, I sat there and just enjoy the breeze. After that , I shouted her name, looked behind she is not there. I thought she must have taken a walk. A while later, still never appear. I thought she went back to the car, walked towards there. After that she appear out of nowhere says why I disappear so fast. ha. 

So tried the tie and read the letter, kept laughing at the letter, because of the content. Seriously, I think the letter was really damn funny. If you guys can read, she says she don't want me to think about anything weird about a girl giving a guy a tie. I was like, I totally never thought about that sia...and rather now, it make me think more.. haha. The tie was skinny tie and I kinda like it, the colour was nice. She said her mum chose the colour de, I was like not bad...good taste. She said that I tie a tie quite good and that the skinny tie suit tall people..haha. She helped me adjust my collar as well. Cuz I always drive with one hand usually, I will put my left arm on the cushion on the left and she will put hers beside me and we will just chat and talk. So its nice. Nothing so call romantic feelings came up, just comfortable lo. Its like those kind of steady and contented feeling? Just like that. 

At night, went out with James, Kenneth and GK, just grab 2 glasses of wine to chill the night away. I was rather stoning, because of the night before. So again, talk about work, girls again and stuff. I told them about Eva, how she is damn young, as young as Ernest. And that we have been like chatting for like 5 days consecutive le. 

So, that's how my 25th crossed. I was telling Zhenni, how Sam was late and she didn't message. Thought she was in Japan liao or something. I realised that now, I don't really gian or expect Sam to message birthday message le. Like on time or something, because I guess I always know that we will wish each other the best no matter what day it is. She did messaged me today though, in Sam's typical fashion. Found out that she injured her wrist, always land herself in hospital de. Hope you quickly recover soon!!=)

Letters

Yesterday, I wrote 2 letters to 2 girls that I don't have any romantic connections to. I usually write letters to girls that I liked, well only Samantha and Adeline to date. Haha. However, after recent things that had happened, I began to appreciate people in my life. So, I decided to write letters to them as well. These 2 are Yus Mei and Maine.

Maine because today is Maine's birthday. And I suddenly realised that after this birthday, she will be married and that she will stay at Han's place in the future le. So, I went back and decided to write a letter to her. Thinking back, I hadn't exactly been the older brother that I felt that I should be in her life. Even to Ernest as well, I was more of a gaming buddy and talk cock friend. It wasn't until after Samantha and Army, when I really came out and start to assume the role as the eldest. Sam gave me the reason to why and Army provide me with the how. After Army, I became to come out of my shell and I started to help people a lot more. I started to be the one that people confide in me , and someone that people felt that I am much steadier person. However, I was not able to be that kind of person in my siblings' lives. I guess because we all have a very strong core of friends that we can count upon on in our lives. But, after recently, I know that for some things I know I can count on them to be around. Like how Maine talked to me about Adeline and stuffs between us. How she share her past with Ivan. How she believe in her future with Han.

Yus Mei because its her last day today at IRAS. And I felt that I couldn't really spend much time with her, or have lunch with her. I don't really know whether after she leave IRAS and gotten married, will our friendship continue to outside of IRAS? I really hope so, but just in case, circumstances don't allows, I wrote a letter to say stuff that I always want to tell her.

I guess after all the recent events, I have become more grateful and aware of the people around me? Like really appreciating and wasting no time in letting them know what I think of them, and how important they are in my life.

And the river continues to flow

Yesterday met up with Adeline for dinner. Had standing sushi bar lor..actually was a bit sianz of sashimi because just had a buffet at ikoi last sunday. After dinner, so then we took a walk towards Raffles City and Marina Square searching for a knee strap as her knee seems to be hurting. After that, we walk and stopped at the Float there. So, decided to had another heart to heart talk with her. I know its a bit getting boring since every time we go out, seems to end up with some HTHT. I guess this will be the last one in my opinion, there will be no more discussion about our past relationship already. In the future, maybe will be more like a Zhenni(2009) kind of relationship I guess.

So, I checked in with her how she is feeling over the past week, she says its ok. I asked her is she Happier now. She just shrugs her shoulders. After I told her what I went through and thought through, she told me that just after that day, another guy went to in a way confess to her also. However, after she told him she decided to get along with the other guy, he all in and he said things like this is the last time he will do these and that for her. I asked her whether did I say such things? I can't really remember what I said. She said I didn't. So the next day, she took the day off because all of a sudden, she felt that 2 guys suddenly disappeared from her life. I looked at her, and then I say I told you so a long time ago already. Just like so many things, all these will happen de. And why didn't you listen to me. I shake my head and sighed. She always believe in platonic friendships, I told her I believe too. However, I say the way you handle is really wrong. I told her that if a guy really interested in you, and entrusts his feelings to you because he likes you then you are responsible for those feelings. If you know no hope, then put an end to it before he confess, don't lead him on and assume that everything will run its own course. And that not every guy will say oks, you reject me and we will still be friends. I told her all these before. She says now than she realise. I was like...all these could have been avoided and you still can maintain friendships and that I wouldn't have to suffer what I went through. I told her...you really in a way destroy both of us. She lost a friend whom she feels that she could have good heart to heart talks with, and she lost my trust in her as a person. I told her that I can still talk to her in person and hang around her, but if ever she wants to get back with me, I told her...at least for the short term, I could never accept her again. For I lost my trust in her as a close friend, I said that once you betray my trust, it will take some time for me to trust you again. Of course, through out the conversation, she hardly say much just want to listen. I told her thats quite an irritating thing because I have to guess what you are thinking again or whatsoever.

She says she is not dumb and know such things. I looked at her and say that yeah I know that you are not dumb because if you are, I won't even go after you le. But to me, the thing is you know about things however, you chose to still let it carry on. Everytime, you chose to run away and not face the problem, thats why everytime I have to bring up the facts in front of you. Because I want you to decide , even if it means causing me hurt. Either way someone will get hurt, its the way of life. I told her the real reason why I hate her so much, because she allowed the other guys to get closer to her while we are still together. She says she thought they were friends capacity, I say yes you can think of that. But then why did you put yourself in a position where you let the other guy be close to you and go after you then? Thats why I said , I can handle a broken heart but you made me lost a part of my soul. The soul that believes in trusting you a lot, trust you that you won't hurt me. I said thats why I am feeling so much pain. I told her please don't ever do that to anyone again, whether its her next relationship or not. Its really like a betrayal, I told her what if its the other way round? How will you feel? I said that it was really no joke, going through whatever I gone through. I told her I cannot guarantee that I will still be part of her life and all, maybe once my time is over with her, I will disappear as well. It may be tomorrow or in the future that we may drift apart. I said that however, as Sam and me have proven, it is still possible. Sam and me went through a lot to still carry on having this special relationship that we both cherished so much. Adeline said that she finally accept that people come and goes in life, I smiled and said that yeah I knew that since J1 le. I gave her some examples and said that sometimes, people do come back de. So, don't feel so bad about it . To end it off, I told her that I hope she manage to learn some stuff from me as much as I learned from her.

At the end, I said lets go back home bah..and along the way I told her I sincerely hope you made the right choice. She says the guy is even more immature than her, I said I hope he will eventually grow up because I hear and seen enough broken relationships that couldn't last because of such immaturities. I said ultimately, this relationship will takes its toll on you. I also said that I secretly hoped that she will come back to me in the future. But, I don't know whether it will happen or not.

Along the way back home, there were a lot of physical touching. Rather they were initiated by me, I grab her hand and drag her around. Teased her about going to another train station. Putting my arms around her and playing with her hair. Once reach her home, I ask her whether she is ok with everything like if I still do those physical things with her, she says after I do than ask her. I laughed and say..yeah thats quite true. She didn't really give me a proper answer.

As I left her house and walked back, I thought to myself. Well thats that. I don't really know what else is install for me and her, that I will leave it up to god or whoever is up there. I feel that what I want to tell her about us, I did already, what I want her to know, I also told her already. Have I played my part in her life already? Is it time for me to disappear?

I don't really have a clear answer for that.

Along the way back, I messaged her a little. Replies were not much, just simple replies. Along the way back, I closed  my eyes. I try to ask my soul whether do we still have some form of fate together. It felt very faint, not unlike the strong feeling that I had with Samantha in the past. Then I knew that for some reason or rather, I knew that Samantha will still continue to play an important role in my life.And, she still is. For Adeline, I really do not know, I guess that in a way, she also let me go already. I don't really know whether she still want me as a friend or will she thinks that I am way better off without her, she always say she don't want to think. But, in the end, she is the one that think too much.

On my side, I think I will still remain in contact with her, because like I always say , she is someone that I care a lot for. Even if she don't think about me, I still do think about her. And that as long as I know she is happy, I will be comforted as well.

I Chose Life

Well then, it seems that like this week I hardly have to work except on Friday only. Initially was a bit saded by the fact of less money and stuff. However, from another point of view, I have a quite some time for myself. Yesterday, I spend most of my time at coffee bean because suppose to be meeting Xuan Fang for dinner at Standing Sushi Bar de. But due to the rain, and where she is staying, she finds it inconvenient to come out. So wanted to find Joey and Huiyi for dinner, but Joey didn't check WhatsApp, so again was stranded.

The time spent yesterday was spent on reading on a book on how to get back up from life problems. Inside most of the stories were about people losing their limbs as the author was one as well. It does in a way put mine into perspectives, I cannot imagine what if I were to lose my limbs to a landmine or in any accident. The trauma you are put through,the mind will be full of suicidal thoughts when one survives it. And, I was very thankful that I can still walk and run normally, really grateful for it. Nonetheless, I still read through and use the 5 ways that was prescribed in the book. I wrote down on a piece of paper, some excerpts, some quotes as well as short paragraphs about my life. I showed it to Samantha as well. I think the really important ones are me facing the TRUTHS and SUFFERINGS. I mainly have 2 situations which are namely Adeline and Job Search. So, I went to face them head on, I wrote down the plain truths, I wrote down on how I can be better for both of them.

As I read,ponder and write, I happened to listen to 3 businessmen talking. One of them which I presume is from the States, started to tell the Singaporean this. " What's your idea of Happiness? My Happiness is not from money nor material gains. But when I was in the army, under the stars out in the forest, although it was cold but I felt more alive than anything. And that for me is Happiness." I am assuming that he wants to test the Singaporean before starting a joint venture or anything like that. However, what really drawn me was the word " Happiness".

In the book, the author challenged us to choose either Life or Death. Naturally, I chose Life. I mean anyone will choose Life right? However, if you lost both your limbs, I think Death sounds pretty reasonable as well. So I Chose LIFE. And thats why I carried on reading.

So I pushed on, and I realised that unknowingly, I had done some of the methods that were in the book already. Which always amazed me when I done things that I hadn't known and yet it was right. I guess its really about following my intuition and the soul. Hence, I wrote down the Truths and let my mind think about it. Of course, I haven't fully let got of Adeline yet, though the negative feelings are reducing but they are still there. However, I am showing more of myself to her these days, what I want and things like that. Today will be meeting up with her for dinner, and we spend some time in deciding the place. Eventually, its at Standing Sushi Bar since her FP can't make it and that since she knows that yesterday Xuan Fang pangseh me. She says her left knee hurts at times, I told her that I will take a look. She says it will be weird and refused. I told her that she has no option, I will still do it. She just laughed.

Again, when I thought of it, my feelings and emotions start to seep through my mind, like "hey dude, you ain't suppose to be like this" , " you really love her don't ya", "why are you still caring for her, after all she has done to you".  Just in time, I was reading about an article on being in the moment, and not in the past nor the future. Hence, I caught myself and told myself to be in the present, the emotions were because of the past where she didn't treat me fairly. As soon as that was settled, the future came up " maybe she will be touched" ," she will realised that you were the best and the other guy sucks", " she suddenly matured and sees you again" .  Again, I caught myself in the future, and I pulled myself back again and told myself that these are all hypothetically. I reminded myself of the things that happened.

Then I realised that by choosing life is not the easy option. death and suffering was. I fully appreciated the quote " To Live is already an Act of Courage". I knew that there will be more of such instances and I am sure that my job search will not be smooth, and that I might have to endure more rejections.

After that I realised that I have spent enough time on pondering and thinkings and not doing anything much. My soul wants to start doing something  I can feel the animal wanting to break out of the cage. I walked from bras basah towards boat quay, I started to talk to myself( FYI its in the family, cuz my mum too). As I walked, I brought up my 5 year plan again. I realised that to achieve it, either I need a SUPER well paid job, super fast track rise up the corporate ladder or to do investments while I get a decent paying job. Naturally, I went for the investments side. So, as I kept walking, I wrote down in my phone. I thought of various ways that my career path can pave out. I decided to retake CFA this December again and maybe some CFMAS papers in between. I set some health goals, like losing weight and what sort of body figure I want.

Today, after waking up, for some reason, I didn't really mopped around, I replied to Adeline some msgs cuz I told her that Man Utd won and I was damn happy. Initially, I planned to go for a run, but I decided to let things flow and I decide to sleep in. I finally jumped out of bed, and somehow the first thing that pop in my mind was to make some alterations to my room's fengshui. I never pre-planned this, I just did it. I went to pour over some books, and made the adjustments, and I burnt some sandalwood incense in the room which I normally do on Thursday but for today, I just did it anyway  After that, bought breakfast and watch running man, and decided to pack my working desk area. Sorted out my certs and transcripts neatly and all. Took a nap as the skies were gloomy and all, though I will have to say that I couldn't really sleep. Maybe sleep debt already repaid le. Haha.

I guess at the end of the day, most importantly, its not to have the 'Victim' mentality. Usually, when we are hit with setbacks, the first thing we felt was that its not fair, it should be this or that, its not our fault. Bloody hell, its her fault or those job interviewers fault. Why Reality is so harsh? 

Hence, with Adeline, I am working towards forgiving her and putting my life as of utmost priority since I am not hers, so might as well I put mine in front. And also with not bothering about her life too much. Whether she will stay in my life in the future or not, I do not know. Neither do I want to fixed an idea and says I want her to. But, I do know that I care for her a lot even now, so I guess I will do what I feel that is right. I figured that if had I known all these, I could have move forward a lot more after Sam rejection. But, then again, without that, I guess won't be here today with such a mindset either. Everything happens for a reason.

With my job search, I decided to let go of all the negativity like the market sucks, apply for jobs that I am not comfortable with. Time to put in more effort in sending well typed out cover letters, and applying for MA programmes besides Banks. Luckily with the extended break for this week, I will be able to have time to make more applications.

Improvements

This morning woke up to a slight emo bout, not like the past, just a slight bit. So posted some emo tweets online, Adeline msg me right after that. She asked whether did I go for a run and say I will feel better after running. She noticed that the tweet was emo, so she ask me to take care. I knew that she knew its because of her, I replied that even until now she still don't know how to comfort someone. She agreed and sucks for the people around her. I replied pity them. After that, we start to crap a lot of stuff..and at times just having light hearted conversation. I asked her how she is, because its been some time since I last checked on her. These past week, had been just me and not about her. Hence, I asked her whether is she happier now or is she feeling less bad now? She says she don't know and that she doesn't want to think. I kinda guessed her answer already, so I said the first thing she had in mind, just say. She says she don't know again. She really still runs away everytime and don't want to think about stuff. I smiled for some reason, I thought to myself that if she is happier, I am relieved. If she is unsure again, I am not going to bother what goes on in her mind. If she is feeling bad, I will comfort her.

I realised that my animosity towards are dissipating. I guess I chose to let go those feelings, its not going to help me at all. Eventually, it will just destroy me. During my run this morning, I fall back onto another fundamental quote that I believed in. " Life is all about choices" .However, I added in something new, whether its automatic or a thoughtful choice. So, I decided to let go of those animosity. I cannot change the past, but at least, at the very least, I should just let those anger towards her fall away. And, just leave the best of what we had between us in my memories.

Am I ready for her as a friend?

I don't really know. Seriously. I think I might still be able to hang out with her. However, she won't be my focus any more. As a friend? No idea. Maybe its possible since no feelings is committed. Today, GK asked if I were to lose any of my senses which will it be. I told him mine is taste. He says his is smell. As I totally forgot about smell, I went to ponder whether smell or taste will be the lesser of the two evils. I came to a conclusion that it will still be taste. I felt that I think smell can be of some use especially around my surroundings. Then, I suddenly said that I used to always like to smell Adeline's hair, for some reason. And memories flashed back, its a nice feeling, when I went back to the past. And I came back almost immediately after that. I don't seem to have the missing feeling, just the feeling that I am happy because she was someone I really loved before and all.

While I was searching for a picture today, I saw the pic that we took back on valentine's. Again, I smiled. I don't really know why, have I accepted it? I also don't know. But, I do know that I felt happy. I guess that this is Love in her most pure form, its this kind of feeling? No hatred, longing and possessiveness, just the feeling that...hmm..I really don't know...something that made me smile. I looked at her smile and I just smiled  as well. I always love her smiles. Of course, I haven't forget the events that lead us to where we are today and the things that she do.

But I think, by being happy and forgiving, only then life can move forward. Today, during the Sashimi buffet with GK, James and Kenneth, GK told kenneth what I told him during a bus ride on what I learnt about my relationship with Adeline. And that it sorta clear a lot of things in his head. I felt a bit proud and all, that my words stick with him and felt grateful for my relationship with Adeline. For it help a friend of mine to sort out his life a little better. Kenneth asked about Zhenni, whom I am bringing to the movie this thursday. I told them that she was an old flame, though now got a bit of interest in her, but I just ended a relationship so I don't think I am ready for another. I told them that I also let Zhenni know that as well. However, I didn't let them know that actually Zhenni is still interested in Clinston. Felt there wasn't a need to share her life with them. GK went on to comment that I was rather brave in the sense that I am willing to chase after girls and do things for them, and for being indirectly or directly know that I am interested in them. I thought back about all my chases, I think there were only a few that I didn't really chased like really hard. I told them that Adeline was the one that I went past all my insecurities. I showed her my displeasure, I became physically close with her and eventually confess to her , like really confess without being forced to. Maybe only when you meet someone that can get you to do those stuff then it will happen.

I feel lighter and I hope that it can carry on. I did thought whether I should hang around Adeline and try to go after her again, but as soon as I thought about it, I realised its foolish. Definitely not now. In the future, I don't know. But definitely not in this year or so. Some things in life, once you let go, it won't easily come back.

I guess after all this, I felt older. I felt that I learn a lot of things in life. Like it really open up my eyes, and it kinda give me some confidence. Like just now at Club Social, we were debating about an ang moh waitress's nationality. So when we were about to settle the bill, I turned and asked her where's she from. I guessed Australia but she said she was from New Zealand. I was like, oh darn...that's close. We all had a good laugh. Its not like I am picking her up or something, its just a friendly conversation. Anws, she was pretty nice and thoughtful while taking our orders down. And she seems friendly, so why not?

Simplicity

Simple things in life.

Simplicity is like sitting in a library and reading books.
Simplicity is while in the library, falling asleep due to air con and book.
Simplicity is like observing your surroundings.
Simplicity is clearing the clutters in your room.
Simplicity is like sitting at a place and just having a quiet moment for yourself.
Simplicity is like staring at the open skies and letting your mind wander, but do not ask questions.

Lastly, Simplicity can be found in the simplest of all things in life, and from there, the clutters in your life will fall. Its where one don't have to bother whether things are right/wrong/being judged/obligated/subject to others perception. Its just being you. And, if I can lead a life where I look back and say " Yeap! thats me!", for that I will be very thankful.

At the end of the day, Simplicity is just being yourself, and I mean your true self;your soul.

A split second reaction

I guess some things don't really go away. maybe its still fresh in the heart and mind though. Maybe I rationalise myself to much or so, but when I saw adeline instagram at strangers reunion, I immediately went to msg her and in a bid, to know whether she went there with him or not of course not asking in such an obvious manner  Reactions*shakes head*. And a small part of me, I guess I feel a bit not happy that why she is happy and I am not that happy. Again, I know all the scenarios and why I am reacting like that.

I guess I have to really stop blaming her and linking negative thoughts to her. Its not really making me feel positive or happy at all. I think its really true when you think of something, that thing will happened. " The World is what you make it out to be".

Its nothing wrong to feel this way, just that I hope that such thoughts will slowly disappear. And I can be truly happy again. Like what sam said, and like what others says, You were once someone great before you met her, You can be that someone again or even better.

Less Reasons now

Its finally the end of the filing period. Annie is back from her maternity leave. Yus Mei is leaving soon. For me, I am still there. I know I will leave soon, its only a matter of time, for my desire is not in IRAS. Deep down, I believe that its the best for me as well. I do not want to link IRAS to Adeline, for IRAS have also gave me a lot of great memories. Making new friends, staying back and chit chat with people, enjoying the company. There are so many friends I made and some even became a very integral part of my life. People like Yus Mei, Hui Min, Peggy and Marcus. Definitely, going to miss Yus Mei really much because she is someone that I talk quite a lot to and shared the most with also.

Some TCOs like my batch which includes Ming Lee, Jacob,Nurul, Cat and Tee Yan, these are the friends that whenever we hang out, its really awesome to just enjoy each other company. And having cat as a very close friend, is also a blessing. I have already seen through 3 batches of new TCOs, and each batch have made some impression in my life.

The latest batch, I really feel more like an older brother, with most of them are like Ernest age, 18 and 19 years old. They always ask me questions and about University and all. Noelle who has a very sticky character to guys, but its exactly that kind of character that made guys do things for her. I think I am the only one who grumbles a lot when I help her in stuff. I don't think she is a bad person, just that she knows how to manipulate guys to do things for her. And in a way, its not exactly a bad thing is it. For some reason, maybe call me old, I kinda straight away see it already. And, she is really physical. So I am not really complaining as well..haha..I think in the past, I will be like dong xin or think that she is interested in me. I know she has a boyfriend, so I don't really bother about her. I like to disturb her at work and all, like rock the chair etc. She is really ok with grabbing my arms when she is cold, acting ke lian like leaning on my shoulders when tired and punching me when she is bored. I always tell her don't leech me so much, because I got no incentive to gain and I won't really give in much to her. Then there is this guy who she kinda flirt with and he gives her all sort of stuff. So, sometimes, there are too much stuff, so I managed to get some food...hence I am not complaining. haha.

I think I see girls in a different light these days, very different from my younger days, I seen and dated people my age, I mingle with the even younger ones. You start to see the difference and you start to be more wen I guess. The girls around me are starting their Uni lives, mine just ended, my batch of female friends have already been in the workforce for about 2 to 3 years.

I guess after a failed relationship, there is this eternal sadness or a tinge of sadness that will stay with you until the end of days. It's not those detrimental kind of sadness where people hold on to regrets and never move forward. Its more like " life would be different if things had work out" kind of stuff? Its like still thinking about the person every now and then, and wondering how is he/she presently. I remembered samantha's voice when she was talking about yuan long. Although I felt that it wasn't a good relationship, but I can tell that Sam really did love or care for him in a way. The way she described him riding a bike around and all. Its not sadness neither is it regrets, but more of the kind of feeling that you will always end up with a smile on your face while reminiscing.

I guess for me its when I see Sam walking towards me or I see her carrying books, that I end up kinda smiling as well. For, in front of me, its not the career woman that she is now, but still the same samantha that I came to know since 6 years ago. The Samantha that always move slowly and seems to be dragging her life on her shoulders, kinda reminds me of the reason why I care so much for her in the past and eventually fall in love with her. The Samantha that when ever she speaks, its in a measured tone, everything she says is always thought through first. And the occasions, whenever she talk about her sisters, is the few times where she goes entirely auntie like to me. The Samantha that always hide her sadness and troubles away, and wouldn't tell me because she felt that I could not handle it.  So I guess its those kind of nostalgic feelings that everyone in life will definitely experience one way or another.

I guess thats what they meant when your first love is the most pure bah. Zhenni, though I love her, but its not as pure as Samantha, neither is it as deep as Adeline. If I may say, she is the person that I don't really love as much as I thought, maybe because its more of a rebound due to Sam last time. Adeline ah...well there have been enough posts about her, but again my love for Adeline is definitely not as pure as Sam though I think its really deep for I broke all possible mental/physical barriers that I have on myself, There had been so many negativity thoughts and distrust that at times when I think back, it borderlines on dysfunctional. I knew I could count on Sam to think of me first, but I doubt Adeline could. And I guess Sam spoils market in this sense, because I realise that most girls out there are not like Sam. For she has went through tough times,and that as a guy, I realise that the most important thing for me is to lead. To be the one who knows how to make the right decisions when the time calls for it. I cannot just give everything up and says I trust you will know how to care for me, I guess thats what happened between Adeline and me. I gave her all my trust and heart that I make things so bad for myself. I should have ended things back in around January or so. But, well, I am not really the kind that gives up easily, so thats hard to say.

Recently, Adeline have been contacting me without much initiative from my end. Like this morning, she took the trouble to wish me morning and chat a little. Sometimes, I wonder whether I deserve it or not, because I told her to continue to contact me though I had let her go already. I can see that she is really trying as evident from this morning, but....*shrugs*

Disturbance

The previous post I was talking about like a new found sense of calmness...well..I still do. Just that it got slightly disturb like a pebble that is dropped in a still lake. Was on my way back after dropping off my gown back at Serangoon Broadway, when I saw a msg from Adeline, asking me how's my interview. Because yesterday, I told her that I have an interview and the reason why I contacted her was because supposedly today we were supposed to meet up. But she said that her mum complained that she wasn't home most of the time, so she thought of going back home for dinner.So I initially said that why not thursday. She said she will get back to me. Later i decided that I don't really want to meet her on thursday because I got a feeling that most prolly she is meeting him. So I said I was joking and that lets have it next week lor. She suggested on a tuesday which is the norm when we usually meet, though its after 8pm. I thought she had OT, but she said she had to meet her financial planner first.

These days, I don't take the initiative to msg her already, except on monday I did, but subsequently, I don't really want to, except the above mentioned paragraph. She seem to take the initiative a bit more, like because I remember she says that she don't do enough especially in relationships( which I include friendships as well) , so I can see that she want me somehow in her life. I remember a short conversation we had after that night. I said that the other guy wouldn't want me to be around her, she said that she won't give in on that. I said its not that straightforward de. She says that there are things that cannot give in de. I read somewhere that when you put yourself in a vulnerable position to someone, you either gain a friend for life or a lesson for life.

I think I gained both in a way. However, I can't really see her as a friend neither as someone that I like. I think like a part of my soul died. If its just a broken heart, it can be heal. But a damaged soul? Its not that easy. I don't even dare trust to put my friendship in her. Its really that bad. I was telling yus mei the other day, there were times where I felt she never even given me the basic form of respect or courtesy as a friend. I can see that she is putting effort in trying to get me back in her life, but until the day, where I dare to trust her again, I really won't do anything. Seriously,I also don't know how long she will keep trying, because I don't really show any interest in her life le imho. So, she is also going through a one sided process, I mean I still do carry on conversations and she will sometimes not reply, I don't really bother. She seems much cheerful though so I hope that she is really happy with that guy or so. I do feel a bit bad for not bothering about her, however, like I said earlier, the damage done was really huge. And I can forgive her for what she has done, but I cannot forget about it.

For now, I can't feel the pain nor the love that I have for her anymore. Maybe its the numbness of the heart. However, its not like the numbness that I felt when in 5 years ago, then the numbness was really bad. It spread to from my heart to my life and everyday, to me its only black and white. I just feel that I want to live life to my fullest, to be able to move forward, to see that my dreams and hopes can be achieved. And that something I finally learn was that a relationship is not everything and that life and relationships is about spending the time with people whom really make you happy.

I don't really know whether in the future, I will still have her in my life. Maybe. Maybe not. Like I said in most recent posts, I think I really gave so much that I don't even have the capacity to be a friend. At the end of the day, I should lead my own life  and not think about her life. It doesn't matter to me I think, and anyways, the other guy is responsible for her happiness liao and not me. So, life goes on, and all these will passed.

Identity

Today was a rather tiring day at work, although the walk-ins are considerably lesser than the on monday, but still sufficient enough to cause my voice to turn hoarse. Rachel reminded me just now about it, and I also kinda zao sia when I made a call for a password as well. Today left early for an interview with Westpac bank.

Reached the place, and the hiring manager who is Shin, seems to be a damn fast pace guy. Maybe because he was from Barclays Capital as an Investment Banker. The way he sit got a bit of attitude de, like he knows he is the boss and I am the interviewee who is needing a job. He always like damn chop chop...he asks little questions and he just set down and straight away start asking the question like " Why are you here today?" ...

You can say that I was quite taken aback, because usually there is a build up, but this time its just..bang...go now start. I felt that my opening could be a whole lot better. Like stating the reason why Westpac and all. But, I first plunge in straight to why I want this job. On hindsight, it seems that I could have done a whole lot better. Even the agent thought that the interview was like damn fast. 17 minutes and over le. He kept asking like how do I want to stand out? How do I want to achieve those leadership positions that I want in 5 years time? He asked like how are you going to reach that? I guess in a way, I felt rather noob. Because I never really thought clearly about these things. I knew that I want to reach there, but I never thought about the How.

So I replied that during meetings and discussions, I will feedback ideas and comments so that to show that I can value add to the team. And naturally, performance will be the key and for trainings, will try to acclimatised to the job faster. And for a moment, there was this mental image. It came into my mind just as I said those words, I saw myself seating in the discussion area and actively participating in the discussion. I saw myself that there is a team that I can be part of and do well. I don't really understand why I suddenly saw that mental image. I began to feel more confident and that somehow I took a  peek into the future. That is something that I can identify myself with. And I became enthusiastic about the future for some reason.

I felt liberated for some reason. Its like this interview helps me to see a potential career path that I want to have. To climb the corporate ladder, to reach a supervisory position, to have a team that can be outstanding in every way. Its like as the more interviews that I went, today is my 12th, I began to truly identify with traits and hopes with myself. And standard questions like what are my strengths or weaknesses became very part of me. Somethings that I had said day in and day out during interviews, I began to see what I truly stand for. There is really no lying in interviews, just that hide the bad and sell the good. And as long as I know myself well, the confidence will come out and those interviews won't be so difficult to go to. Unless its those technical terms and tests, then that will be quite a challenge.

For some reason, I am not worried. I am not worried about the end of interviews anymore. I am not worried why am I still not in a permanent job. I felt that I did my best and that's it. I felt that I understand myself better for some reason, hmm...I don't really know how to explain or put it into words. Its like confidence, maybe? Like I feel that someone out there will appreciate me, and want me to be part of their organisation, and that I got to have faith that it will come. Like in Harry Potter, its not you that chooses the wand, its the wand that choose you. Similarly, its like jobs I reckon.

The Garden

Yesterday, met Zhenni and had dinner before bringing her to this place that I had never brought anyone to. Besides it being pretty inaccessible and all, but to me, thats a place with little human traffic, so its like kinda my secret garden. However I managed to grab the car and so I drove her down. I never ever went down at night before, but the night view is really nice and quiet...with a good dash of wind. Though there were many spiderwebs along the way for some reason or another.

During the drive, I was talking to her about what Sam talk to me the night before and the stuffs that she said. Then, I suddenly remembered about the previous conversations with Sam, so I told Zhenni that she is by far the only girl that Sam in a way kinda approved. So was saying that she is quite lucky to get that stamp of approval. She said that she must be quite bad that she didn't really get that approval in the past, I said yeah...haha.. We walked along the coast, she took her pics and I was talking to her about me and adeline and things that happened that night. The events that caused all these. Eventually, what made me gave up. Zhenni never really give much comments, she just listened and at times just chap in and say some stuff. We talk about other stuffs as well, I talked about the question she asked me in interview " How do you see yourself in 5 years time?" I told her Samantha's dreams , told her mine. I talked about a youtube video that I saw recently. I realised that she became the listener and I became the talkative one. I still remember that in the past that I used to tell Pig that Zhenni always talk a lot and I just listened. Oh how roles have reversed.

I decided to kind of test water again...so I told her what Sam told me previously, something that I seem to be much more happier talking about Zhenni and the things we do as compared to anything with Adeline. I make it a bit dramatic as usual...lol..but yeah I said it. I told her that I also says things about us to Adeline, she said that I am quite bad to make use of her. I said that no, I never really have that intention and besides I won't say things that there is no truth in it de.

I told Zhenni that as of right now, there is some interest in her from my side, but not enough for me to do anything for her. She said that if I were to do anything, she will run away because than whatever happened to all my feelings for Adeline. Is it fake? Thats why I said that definitely for now, I won't do anything because I am also not sure if its rebound or anything. Along the way walking back to the car, she again brought out the strange fate that we shared together, like everything that we faced in life, seems that its damn similar only thing is that either me first or she first. She tells me that after a deadline that she had set for a guy she likes, then things will be quite rollarcoaster and she will come looking for me. Like right now, its my rollarcoaster ride. Soon, will be hers if the reply is bad. Realised that we both are doing the same things in our r/s and stuff. I says that all these too xie already, along the drive back. She commented that the moon quite in a smiley mode, and I said thats something I had noticed when we first reached the place. We end up teasing each other say dont copy each other.

Along the way back, I says that I like to drink at rooftop bars. I know that she doesn't like, not even wine. So I said that like that cannot go fine dining le, she retorted back says that fine dining must drink wine meh? I was like ...if got steak, have red wine nice sia. I says that I will still have the wine. She says that I should say that " Oh, its ok we shall skip the wine cuz my lady doesn't drink" . I was like...orh okies, next time shall do that.

She really don't think before saying her words as usual.

Being there

Met up with Samantha and got her to read the previous entry. She told me that she was happy for me, because I finally let it go. I smiled...its not something that I would be happy about..but I can see her point of view. She told me a lot of stuff, things she went through and what she thought of life in general. I asked her about whether I had change in the past 6 years. She said that I had shown remarkable growth in the aspect of the ability to pull myself out of any emotional mess that I am in. She felt that I had placed a lot of blame on her in the past due to her rejection of me. She feels that now I am able to see things from a detached point of view and that I don't judge people quickly as I would in the past. She tells me that I am one of her pillars of life( which as usual makes me feel real important). She says that overtime, I had transited from me being someone that she had to take extra care for me to someone that can be her pillar in life. Again, we went to a bit nostalgic side, we recollect a bit of our past relationships and stuff like that. We talked about our lives and on how I am a little envious of the success that she has which is of course not easily earned. And I seriously, thankfully and gratefully, thank her for being in my life and that she never let me go. For I couldn't imagine my life without her advice and words.

I guess I felt that I was a bit lousy that's why I asked her about me. Hearing her says that, really meant a whole lot to me. Because I was doubting myself, that because being nice and caring always ends up being last those kind of things. I asked her what I asked Tracy and Ben just last friday night.

What do you see yourself in 5 years time?

She tells me her goals and dreams. I told her what I hope is mine. I couldn't really give her an exact description on my career path. However, I told her my hopes and dreams. In 5 years time, I want to be in the financial markets dealing with equities and that I will be able to own a condo. A condo that has an overlooking view of the Singapore City. A decent car, ideally a Maserati. A partner that is not so difficult to live with, a partner that will love me and understand me. A partner that will follow me for walks around places. We will enjoy coffee in a nice cafe, reading our books or people watching. I will be able to be financially free to a certain extent, which is still my dream goal. I want to travel the world, to experience life, to be up in the Swiss Alps, to be drinking coffee in London, to be driving in the hills of Scotland, the Cherry Blossoms of Japan and to roam the streets of Seoul.

Sam told me again that luckily we didn't ever got together, for if we did, I guess we would have missed out on something as pure and unconditional as this connection that we have right now.

Closure

Everything finally ended. I am happy that I chose the path and decisions that I take at the end of the day. And finally, her feelings won everything else in the end. It was close, but to me, the defining moment is she is willing to do something for the other guy but not for me. And to me, that says a lot. Its like more of a right person but wrong timing situation. And in the end, I belonged to the category where for some girls is " This is the best guy I ever had a chance with but I let him go". We cried together and everything was out in the open. We talked about our feelings for each other, I asked all the questions that I wanted to ask, I couldn't accept the fact that how can she be with someone else whom she is so sure she is not happy with and at the same time can tell me that she is so much happier with me. However, this is not the first time I ever heard of such things. Samantha told me before as well when Pat was after her. It really make my heart breaks when I hear this. For I thought if you love someone, you will naturally want to be happy with that person. But, I guess in all relationships, these things will always happen. And being a cancer, she also have this feeling that she wants to take care of him. Whereas with me, its the other way round, I am taking care of her. That's why I asked her, what you really want? Someone to take care of you or You want to take care of someone? She tells me she wants someone to take care of her. Deep down, I am thinking...no, its the other way round, for if not, you would have accepted me. Its the same with samantha, she is always in r/s where she is taking care of the other party. I don't really know anymore. Its not for me to ponder anyways. 

Although she never really accept that guy, but she is sure, if he asks again, she will accept it. I told her to decide and think it through before she accept, because being together, there are a lot more stuff then just pure feelings aside. We said that should she get together with him and she is not happy, and if I am bastard enough to still go after her,she will jump back to me. I said that I am really considering that possibility. But I can see that at the end of the day I am still waiting. And I told her, I don't have the capacity to do that anymore. I have nothing more to give to her. 

I guess from a positive pov, I am happy that I am able to make her happier and that I can be the reason behind her being happy. I am grateful for the fact that I had loved this person with all my heart and soul and I learnt a lot of things in life and in relationship. I am grateful that I learnt to see the best in people and i was rewarded with the same level of honesty and feelings, and to be able to know that I had not love the wrong person. 

I told her that if she wants me to be back in her life, as a friend or whatsoever, she will have to fight for me. I told her I don't have the capacity to either be a friend or do anything more for her already. She will have to decide for herself how much she wants me in her life. I am tired of everything. 

We held hands and walked for quite some time, and finally after sending her back, we hugged each other and after a very long hug, I told her this is the end. I gave her more advice on what to look out for in a r/s and I kissed her on the forehead and wish that she will be happy and be a better gf to someone else. As I walked out of the gate, I turned back and look at her for one last time, she turned as well to look at me, we smiled and I hurried her in. 

From that moment, its time to let go and carried on with my life. For the next time that we meet up, we will just be friends who knows each other very well. 

Invitation

Yesterday, I went out to chill with Ben and Tracy, Jianyang didn't follow. I really feel like drinking and get high and forget everything else. In the end, I brought them to a rooftop bar at esplanade there, and the given the environment, ended up chilling out. Never like the wild night a couple of weeks before. So, for supper, after we left Tracy with her friend, I ate with Ben. I told him about adeline and me not cutting it off.

And like everyone else, he told me the same thing. However, he wasn't persuasive about it. He just says in short sentences. I think with guys, really, we just say things short and precise. This morning, I woke up. I read articles from the Marc and Angel website again. I read articles on other people dreams. I close my eyes and listen to davichi song. Its an emo song but the tunes and all are so calming to me that I put it on loop. I close my eyes, I let go of everything, I let my mind wander in space, took deep breaths. As the song kept playing over and over again, I felt the negative feelings I had the past 2 days about adeline and life. I felt the feeling of how I am actually cheapening my self, how I am not loving myself, how I feel that I am betraying my soul. I tell myself that this is not right, I struggle to push the negative feelings away, so I let it carried on, I wonder why am I so pathetic, why I don't have a job, why I am not having anything to look forward, why I can't move forward.

I opened my eyes again and went on to read the article on "30 things I should stop doing to myself". As I read the 1st point about "Stop spending time with the wrong people", the author was right. Stop spending time with people that sucks the happiness out of me, if they want me in their life, they will make room for me. I should never ever have to fight for a spot in their life. I read further on, "Stop holding grudges" and "Stop putting my own needs on the back burner". Eventually, I reached the last point.

I then closed my eyes again and the music flows in my head again. This time,I let my mind wander again, I realised that the negative feelings had already happened, its in the past already, today is a new day. I have the opportunity to make amends, to start something new, to be able to take the step to move on. I don't feel so angsty anymore, I can see myself of not needing to contact her so much anymore. There is no need to ask how she is anymore, we will still meet up as planned before. However, unless I really want to talk/ chat with her, I will contact her. I won't randomly contact her every other day, and I am tired of my expectations of her. I am not going to expect anything from her anymore. Finally, I reached to a point where the invitation was given. " Let her go, Eugene"

I opened my eyes.

Its not something like the past where it's something like, " Fuck she don't care me, so why should I care about her". No...its that invitation. I took in a deep breath, and entertain that thought again. " Let her go, Eugene". I don't hear my other self saying " Don't give up" , I don't hear " There is a hope" , " There is something that you can still do". Again the words " Let her go" resonates in my mind. And, then the longing for her touch and the longing to have her in my arms disappear. I ask myself " Do I still want to be with her?". I no longer have an answer anymore, I don't have that hope that we can be together again anymore. I ask myself again the very important question.

"Do you still love her?" Yes.

Its not those definite YES moment, not those where I sometimes say it out of need or emotionally high. Its those moments where the answer comes naturally, neither fast nor slow. Neither loud nor weak. Yes is still my answer. It would be great if she can change and wants to be with me, but I will no longer look and hope for it. For I know that, looking at the end, I lose the very goal why I am doing all this. And causing me to be so pathetic and unable to move on.

So I let her go. I let those hopes and expectations go. The only thing remaining is my care and concern for her, the pure form of loving somebody. Or rather the only unadulterated form of love. Away from the possessiveness of love and the expectations of love. If she is mine, she will return to me. If she is meant to be in my life, she will still be in my life. There is no need for me to fight for her or prove anything to her anymore. I have already stated my requirements and my stand why I am still in her life. The rest is up to her. I might still do small things here and there, but generally, no more extra feelings and hopes on my side. At the same time, I am free to look elsewhere as well, so who knows, there might be another one just round the corner and this time I know what I want in a girl.

I decided that I want to be happy. And my happiness should never only be from adeline, not from a partner. Eventually, happiness comes from myself and other things in life. Family, Friends and the small things of life. Of course, from a partner is also true but it should not be a direct source.

So for me, everytime I hang out with her will be just so that we both can enjoy each other company. Anything else, is outside of my control. The only thing I can control is my own life;my story, how I want to live my life, my happiness and time spent with people that I enjoy with. The job will come, just like an invitation. And my 5 year dream will come to fruition. Just like what samantha said, r/s like job hunting, don't settle for anything less than what you think you deserve. Be your true self and there will be someone/job out there that is ready made for you.

the best thing one can do when it is raining is to just let it rain

I told samantha yesterday that I don't feel that I should take a holiday because of what ever has happened in my life. She told me that if its about adeline, I am more than qualified to take one. Though maybe to most people, Adeline was the one that let me down. However, I still believe that its always 2 people fault when a relationship doesn't work out. So, I will not blame her and rather shoulder some on my own. Furthermore, looking for jobs now, not ideal to go for a holiday. I felt that so far this past 4 months, I don't deserve a holiday. Maybe because I sort of feel like I fail in both love and finding a job such that I believe that I don't deserve one.

I remembered Rachel told me that there will be a point where you hit a new low while job hunting. And I kinda felt that while I went for a run. I felt that I was like a begger. Be it with Adeline or looking for a job, like all my pride have been thrown out and all I want is just to survive. I began to ask around IRAS about available jobs, I consider some sales job that I know the remunerations is not ideal in both skillset and long run. I thought of myself, everytime trying to talk to adeline, where sometimes there were no replies, I still initiate. I thought of zhenni also whenever I msg her, and there is no reply.

I soon begin to ask myself, why am I spending time and effort on people who don't really want to talk to me? Who don't want to know about my life? Why must prostrate myself in front of them and beg them to listen to me? I ask myself why the hell am I compromising myself on the kinds of job that I want to take? I know the harsh realities out there, I am open to jobs that I can learn, I am not hard up on salary. Its scare the hell of me, whenever I thought that I will get a job just because its a job. And its not something that I can believe it. I am not delusional, I know we have to start small, but I also know that if its something that innately I hate or dislike, there is no way I can progress and life will be a chore. I always remember the reason why I took SIM-UOL and not a local uni in engineering. Yes, I might have a better and easier career path but its not something that I enjoyed. Because of my interest in economics and finance, I managed to score a 2nd Upper. Although its just a private university, but I love my studies and hence I enjoyed studying. I can't imagine myself spending countless nights crunching numbers and theories only to end up losing to the ATs.

As I ran, I kept cursing and blaming Adeline, I blame her for not thinking of me first and everything. I started saying things like she was the one that let me go, I am not obligated to do anything more. Blame her for all her insensitivities and lack of responsibilities  to our relationship , I blame her for not being sure of herself, I blame her for not expressing herself properly, I blame her for giving others a chance while she is with me, I blame her for not telling me at all, I blame her for not being able to trust me enough to tell me about it. I blame her for not showing any concern for me, I blame her for not wanting to contact me. I blame her for being selfish.

And just a couple of minutes ago, LY was ranting to me about her own problems. She says we should give up together. I remembered a quote I read " Letting Go is an invitation and not a choice", one cannot decide in letting go,it will have to take the test of time and situations before one can let go. And when one finally does it, its more of a " Thank you for everything and goodbye" kind of stuff.

I know the above are all my negative and pent up emotions about why my life is so hard. Why did I fall for someone like her? Why did I place my heart with someone who doesn't even knows what her heart wants?Like I told LY, I don't blame adeline even after all the rants above. I guess going forward I am not going to put my heart out there so openly anymore? cuz she never open up hers to me fully as well. So, if I am an option, why should I treat you as a priority?

And for Zhenni, its also the same imho. She will be bothered about the guy that she is interested in and anyone else, she wont really bother. I can try, and drop a few hints ...but I guess eventually if she shows no interest in me, again why bother? Of course, I know guys have to keep trying but there must be reaction lor.

Having said all these, tmr is another day and I might revert back to normal, so who knows. Like an american poet quoted " the best thing one can do when it is raining is to just let it rain". So whatever it is install for me and adeline, it will happen.

Consolidation

Had a chat with cat yesterday, wanted to tell her about everything that had happened since we last met up a month ago. In a way, its my way of consolidation, of taking stock about where all this is going. So after having a meal and movie with tee yan and nurul, we thought of grabbing a seat somewhere and talk to her. After some failed attempts, she suggested talking a walk since I always seem to think better whenever I walked. So we walked from dhoby all the way to esplanade there.

And I recounted everything from the last we met, till today, and expected the first response that when I told her about the episode when I laid my plans down back 2 or 3 weeks ago to Adeline, was like everyone else. I stopped her before she carried on. I told her what were my thoughts and beliefs, I told her about the episode on Friday, I told her what I still do for Adeline while she was emo these past few days. I explained why am I doing on these. I acknowledge the dangers that I may fall, I told her that I promise samantha that I will not put myself in the same situation as before, so she don't have to worried about that.

I also told her some texts that I followed up the next day after Friday, which I texted Adeline. I woke up and still feeling a little confused over the previous night, that I went to read some positive thinking articles and attempted to do some meditation. I send Adeline a text message, some what more like a thank you message. I thank her for a numerous stuff, for letting me back into her life, for giving me a sincere hug, for listening to me, for giving me an opportunity to continue to love her. She replied that I shouldn't be the one saying thank you, but rather she thank me for loving her instead. She said sorry for hurting me so badly. I told her its not only her fault but eventually its both of ours. I told her my hopes about us, I hope that we both will be happy together and that my vision of us being together will happen. Lastly, I gave her the promise that I only give to people that I truly like in my life. She is the third to receive it.

Like most of my friends or girls that have came before, cat was like I wish my bf was like half of you. Lol...I always seems to spoil the market, don't I? However, no , I don't think that I am like some godly person or with some bottomless pit of goodness in me. I believe in the best of people, and I am always trying to uncover the goodness of people, especially people that I truly like. And that's the way I am with Adeline. I don't know for what end will be install for me, but I am glad that at the very least, this is the way that I want to handle it. The path that is filled with positivity, of connection and of loving someone. I remembered that night on Friday, Adeline asked how on earth am I able to always think so rationally and not be influenced by emotions? She was amazed that I am someone that can do it. I told her that I am not god like, I am still a human, I am still pretty much governed by my emotions. Its just that I am able to differentiate what's rational and what's my emotions. Its not something that I attained overnight or due to her, its due to years of going through stuff, years of listening to myself and friends and putting in effort in trying to be a stronger person and application. Its just that because of her, all these just got kinda accelerated. I told her that I never know I can do all these until when I have no other choice but to be strong.

In any case, I don't want to think or pine for the future lest I got myself lost in it. I just want us to enjoy every conversation that we have, to be filled with more deeper connections and happy times. And that every time  we hang out, we will be happy and comfortable. Eventually, I hope that she will be able to decide that I am someone she can love as well. I remembered that I told her that " what's mine will be mine", so I don't feel that I have to do anything extra, and just try to care and love for her. She says like a boomerang right ? I chuckled ...she always knows how to be anti climax.

Heart to Heart talk ( Part 2)

She asked me " whether I got anything to ask her?" I thought for awhile and realised that some of my questions are just purely emotion based questions which I felt that eventually there isn't any point in asking. I told her that in the past, I have a lot of questions to ask her, and now she told me everything as well. I told her that my ultimate question I want to ask, she also knows about it, and she said that she couldn't accept me now. I told her I know that. Looking at RWS, I told her that in the past, I am always asking her to do things. To buy presents, to be present on Valentine's day. She told me that actually on valentine's day, one of the guys actually asked her out. But, she reject him cuz of me. She told me that she had written a card to me, but eventually she didn't have the courage to pass to me. I told her it doesn't matter anymore. Those were already in the past. I told her that I am not going to ask her to do things or questions anymore, I told her that she will tell me when she feels like it. Like about the guys, she told me frankly. Like back in the past, when I was angry and she held my hands and hug me of her own accord. I said that I will be looking at those things, I told her that I promise samantha that I will not put myself in a situation where she is not sure whether want to be with me. I will only be with her again only if she is sure that she can see herself with me. While we were together, there have been too many times where I kept asking things from her that it makes me feel sick and sad. I also told her about the letter I wrote to her which Sam is keeping now.

I said that at this present moment, I still love her a lot. Everyday, I am thinking about her. How she is doing. I told her that I was angry when one night cuz she was emo and drank a lot that she didnt tell me she was backed home. I made it clear that I was really disappointed with her. I knew that she like Sam always disappear away from the world whenever bad things happen. I told her I understand that, but I said that there will always be people who cares for you, if were to disappear, please let these people know. For life is not always just only you. I said that I have no idea whether I will still like her. Be it tomorrow or in the future, but as of now, everyday I wake up, she is on my mind. And that for now its not going to change.

I also told her about my friends how they helped me through this times, I told her that if we get together, I would want her to meet them. Because they are my core friends in my life, they are the ones that shaped me as a person. I also told her that I want to show her my own lifestyle, like how I like to sit down somewhere and chit chat. To me, there is a connection between us at this point of time, and thats what I am trying to achieve. So I told her to see really take the effort to know me as a man. To really understand me as much as I understand her.

I told her that in the past she says that I am childish and that she prefer mature guys. I always say you don't know me enough. In the past few weeks, she felt that I am definitely more mature and steady then she had expected. I told her this is how I handle relationships and friendships, I told her that when I love someone, that someone will usually be placed ahead of me. I believe that being young and mature at the same time is possible de.

We also talked a little about feelings, I told her that I feel that she have feelings for me, its just that its not as strong as mine. I told her that I still continue to believe that feelings can be nurtured. So, to end it of, we kinda agree to meet every week at least once. I don't know when will we able to be together or not, but I guess for now, my intuition tells me that whatever I had did, this is the right way. Whether its the road less approved a not, I had already trodded on for awhile. As long as I keep my reference points with me, I should be fine.

Our first heart to heart talk ( part 1)

Yesterday, went for a dinner with Adeline. Had a good meal before taking a walk around vivocity, I tried putting my hands around her and tried to hold her hands. She rejected me over holding hands. I wanted to bring her to Wine Company to drink, but ended up with no space. So we sat outside the boardwalk and enjoyed the breeze. Thats when I asked her what I had asked Samantha for many times in the past. The question that I thought I would never ever ask again. I asked " How do you see me as a person?". I said please say more other vocabulary besides being a good guy. She still says that I am a very good guy. I told her that sometimes I wonder whether I should carry on being such a good person because of the underlying pain that comes with it. She asked me what I meant. I smiled and said that she would never understand it because she has never been at my position before. She kept asking me to say. So I started.

I told her about my insomnia during march, how little sleep I slept during the first week, the pain and negative feelings that I felt during those time, the torture of in the morning and night, the abrupt waking up in the early mornings. I told her that I almost fainted during work as all the sleep debts fall back on me. I told her that after the 3rd week, I began to consolidate and I decided to still in a way not give her up. She teared a little. I told her that I know what are the rumours in GST because I have a friend there, she didn't know about the rumours. She finally came clean about the 2 guys that is now chasing after her. She told me about which guy is it, and I was right about one of them. She told me that with one of them, definitely have no more chance, because she feels that she kept pushing his hints away. The other she felt pressured because the other was quite aggressive and they ended up always quarrelling as a result. She feels that she is not ready to commit. I told her that if she eventually liked any of them, I hope that she can finally made up her mind and be with them. Because I felt that she always is confuse and that if one day, she can finally decide, I will be really happy for her as its like finally she decides her happiness. I said that when she wanted to break with me, I was a bit happy because she finally decided. She replied that even now she is confused and wondered whether she made the right choice. I told her that if she feels that non of them have a chance, then its time that she draw the line with both of them.

She then says that she feels more happier and comfortable with me than the other two. I smiled and said that now thats a good sign. I told her she is someone that can never handle pressure. Thats why I told her that I have no intention of pressuring her. She told me that I am the only one that can tell when she is stoning and when she is really thinking. She says I too high level already. She feels that I knew more about her than herself. Again, I just smiled and said that's pretty true. She told me that she appreciated the fact that I kept sending her encouraging messages and telling her that I am always here for her during these past few days because she was down.

Again she reiterated that why guys want more. I laughed and told her that ever since god created guys and girls this will always be a problem. I told her that I too believed that a guy and a girl can have a platonic relationship. Just like me and samantha. I brought back a lot of instances when we were together and explained how I see things. Then I told her that not many guys or rather most guys cannot accept the fact. I told her that if friends, one can see the difference de. I quoted her some examples. So, I again told her that if no go, den just draw the line.

Then I talked to her about why I am still here and still in a way interested in her. I told her that this is a way that normally no one will take. I told her that in the past, Sam pushed me away after the rejection for a period of time and now, I want to prove that actually by keeping in contact, its much better for me. Adeline told me that she also believed in Sam's way. That day she decided to meet me, her friends and brain was telling her to not meet me but she very much want to see how I was coping. I told her that I am very thankful she gave me a chance to meet up, because of that I was able to follow my intuition and in a way, freed me from my insomnia. I thank her for still giving me a chance. I said that this route is probably filled with potential dangers, I told her that there will be times I want to see her and be around her like on tuesday. There will be emo bouts , there will be a deep longing for her to be around me. She said that on tuesday, if I really needed to be around her, she can reject her friend and look for me. I told her that its fine, I will settle on my own, because I don't want to always rely on her though if really emo, I will let her know. I jokingly said that I don't want sympathy votes. She retorted that she hated that idea of sympathy, and that she don't believe it.