the best thing one can do when it is raining is to just let it rain

I told samantha yesterday that I don't feel that I should take a holiday because of what ever has happened in my life. She told me that if its about adeline, I am more than qualified to take one. Though maybe to most people, Adeline was the one that let me down. However, I still believe that its always 2 people fault when a relationship doesn't work out. So, I will not blame her and rather shoulder some on my own. Furthermore, looking for jobs now, not ideal to go for a holiday. I felt that so far this past 4 months, I don't deserve a holiday. Maybe because I sort of feel like I fail in both love and finding a job such that I believe that I don't deserve one.

I remembered Rachel told me that there will be a point where you hit a new low while job hunting. And I kinda felt that while I went for a run. I felt that I was like a begger. Be it with Adeline or looking for a job, like all my pride have been thrown out and all I want is just to survive. I began to ask around IRAS about available jobs, I consider some sales job that I know the remunerations is not ideal in both skillset and long run. I thought of myself, everytime trying to talk to adeline, where sometimes there were no replies, I still initiate. I thought of zhenni also whenever I msg her, and there is no reply.

I soon begin to ask myself, why am I spending time and effort on people who don't really want to talk to me? Who don't want to know about my life? Why must prostrate myself in front of them and beg them to listen to me? I ask myself why the hell am I compromising myself on the kinds of job that I want to take? I know the harsh realities out there, I am open to jobs that I can learn, I am not hard up on salary. Its scare the hell of me, whenever I thought that I will get a job just because its a job. And its not something that I can believe it. I am not delusional, I know we have to start small, but I also know that if its something that innately I hate or dislike, there is no way I can progress and life will be a chore. I always remember the reason why I took SIM-UOL and not a local uni in engineering. Yes, I might have a better and easier career path but its not something that I enjoyed. Because of my interest in economics and finance, I managed to score a 2nd Upper. Although its just a private university, but I love my studies and hence I enjoyed studying. I can't imagine myself spending countless nights crunching numbers and theories only to end up losing to the ATs.

As I ran, I kept cursing and blaming Adeline, I blame her for not thinking of me first and everything. I started saying things like she was the one that let me go, I am not obligated to do anything more. Blame her for all her insensitivities and lack of responsibilities  to our relationship , I blame her for not being sure of herself, I blame her for not expressing herself properly, I blame her for giving others a chance while she is with me, I blame her for not telling me at all, I blame her for not being able to trust me enough to tell me about it. I blame her for not showing any concern for me, I blame her for not wanting to contact me. I blame her for being selfish.

And just a couple of minutes ago, LY was ranting to me about her own problems. She says we should give up together. I remembered a quote I read " Letting Go is an invitation and not a choice", one cannot decide in letting go,it will have to take the test of time and situations before one can let go. And when one finally does it, its more of a " Thank you for everything and goodbye" kind of stuff.

I know the above are all my negative and pent up emotions about why my life is so hard. Why did I fall for someone like her? Why did I place my heart with someone who doesn't even knows what her heart wants?Like I told LY, I don't blame adeline even after all the rants above. I guess going forward I am not going to put my heart out there so openly anymore? cuz she never open up hers to me fully as well. So, if I am an option, why should I treat you as a priority?

And for Zhenni, its also the same imho. She will be bothered about the guy that she is interested in and anyone else, she wont really bother. I can try, and drop a few hints ...but I guess eventually if she shows no interest in me, again why bother? Of course, I know guys have to keep trying but there must be reaction lor.

Having said all these, tmr is another day and I might revert back to normal, so who knows. Like an american poet quoted " the best thing one can do when it is raining is to just let it rain". So whatever it is install for me and adeline, it will happen.