Invitation

Yesterday, I went out to chill with Ben and Tracy, Jianyang didn't follow. I really feel like drinking and get high and forget everything else. In the end, I brought them to a rooftop bar at esplanade there, and the given the environment, ended up chilling out. Never like the wild night a couple of weeks before. So, for supper, after we left Tracy with her friend, I ate with Ben. I told him about adeline and me not cutting it off.

And like everyone else, he told me the same thing. However, he wasn't persuasive about it. He just says in short sentences. I think with guys, really, we just say things short and precise. This morning, I woke up. I read articles from the Marc and Angel website again. I read articles on other people dreams. I close my eyes and listen to davichi song. Its an emo song but the tunes and all are so calming to me that I put it on loop. I close my eyes, I let go of everything, I let my mind wander in space, took deep breaths. As the song kept playing over and over again, I felt the negative feelings I had the past 2 days about adeline and life. I felt the feeling of how I am actually cheapening my self, how I am not loving myself, how I feel that I am betraying my soul. I tell myself that this is not right, I struggle to push the negative feelings away, so I let it carried on, I wonder why am I so pathetic, why I don't have a job, why I am not having anything to look forward, why I can't move forward.

I opened my eyes again and went on to read the article on "30 things I should stop doing to myself". As I read the 1st point about "Stop spending time with the wrong people", the author was right. Stop spending time with people that sucks the happiness out of me, if they want me in their life, they will make room for me. I should never ever have to fight for a spot in their life. I read further on, "Stop holding grudges" and "Stop putting my own needs on the back burner". Eventually, I reached the last point.

I then closed my eyes again and the music flows in my head again. This time,I let my mind wander again, I realised that the negative feelings had already happened, its in the past already, today is a new day. I have the opportunity to make amends, to start something new, to be able to take the step to move on. I don't feel so angsty anymore, I can see myself of not needing to contact her so much anymore. There is no need to ask how she is anymore, we will still meet up as planned before. However, unless I really want to talk/ chat with her, I will contact her. I won't randomly contact her every other day, and I am tired of my expectations of her. I am not going to expect anything from her anymore. Finally, I reached to a point where the invitation was given. " Let her go, Eugene"

I opened my eyes.

Its not something like the past where it's something like, " Fuck she don't care me, so why should I care about her". No...its that invitation. I took in a deep breath, and entertain that thought again. " Let her go, Eugene". I don't hear my other self saying " Don't give up" , I don't hear " There is a hope" , " There is something that you can still do". Again the words " Let her go" resonates in my mind. And, then the longing for her touch and the longing to have her in my arms disappear. I ask myself " Do I still want to be with her?". I no longer have an answer anymore, I don't have that hope that we can be together again anymore. I ask myself again the very important question.

"Do you still love her?" Yes.

Its not those definite YES moment, not those where I sometimes say it out of need or emotionally high. Its those moments where the answer comes naturally, neither fast nor slow. Neither loud nor weak. Yes is still my answer. It would be great if she can change and wants to be with me, but I will no longer look and hope for it. For I know that, looking at the end, I lose the very goal why I am doing all this. And causing me to be so pathetic and unable to move on.

So I let her go. I let those hopes and expectations go. The only thing remaining is my care and concern for her, the pure form of loving somebody. Or rather the only unadulterated form of love. Away from the possessiveness of love and the expectations of love. If she is mine, she will return to me. If she is meant to be in my life, she will still be in my life. There is no need for me to fight for her or prove anything to her anymore. I have already stated my requirements and my stand why I am still in her life. The rest is up to her. I might still do small things here and there, but generally, no more extra feelings and hopes on my side. At the same time, I am free to look elsewhere as well, so who knows, there might be another one just round the corner and this time I know what I want in a girl.

I decided that I want to be happy. And my happiness should never only be from adeline, not from a partner. Eventually, happiness comes from myself and other things in life. Family, Friends and the small things of life. Of course, from a partner is also true but it should not be a direct source.

So for me, everytime I hang out with her will be just so that we both can enjoy each other company. Anything else, is outside of my control. The only thing I can control is my own life;my story, how I want to live my life, my happiness and time spent with people that I enjoy with. The job will come, just like an invitation. And my 5 year dream will come to fruition. Just like what samantha said, r/s like job hunting, don't settle for anything less than what you think you deserve. Be your true self and there will be someone/job out there that is ready made for you.