I Chose Life

Well then, it seems that like this week I hardly have to work except on Friday only. Initially was a bit saded by the fact of less money and stuff. However, from another point of view, I have a quite some time for myself. Yesterday, I spend most of my time at coffee bean because suppose to be meeting Xuan Fang for dinner at Standing Sushi Bar de. But due to the rain, and where she is staying, she finds it inconvenient to come out. So wanted to find Joey and Huiyi for dinner, but Joey didn't check WhatsApp, so again was stranded.

The time spent yesterday was spent on reading on a book on how to get back up from life problems. Inside most of the stories were about people losing their limbs as the author was one as well. It does in a way put mine into perspectives, I cannot imagine what if I were to lose my limbs to a landmine or in any accident. The trauma you are put through,the mind will be full of suicidal thoughts when one survives it. And, I was very thankful that I can still walk and run normally, really grateful for it. Nonetheless, I still read through and use the 5 ways that was prescribed in the book. I wrote down on a piece of paper, some excerpts, some quotes as well as short paragraphs about my life. I showed it to Samantha as well. I think the really important ones are me facing the TRUTHS and SUFFERINGS. I mainly have 2 situations which are namely Adeline and Job Search. So, I went to face them head on, I wrote down the plain truths, I wrote down on how I can be better for both of them.

As I read,ponder and write, I happened to listen to 3 businessmen talking. One of them which I presume is from the States, started to tell the Singaporean this. " What's your idea of Happiness? My Happiness is not from money nor material gains. But when I was in the army, under the stars out in the forest, although it was cold but I felt more alive than anything. And that for me is Happiness." I am assuming that he wants to test the Singaporean before starting a joint venture or anything like that. However, what really drawn me was the word " Happiness".

In the book, the author challenged us to choose either Life or Death. Naturally, I chose Life. I mean anyone will choose Life right? However, if you lost both your limbs, I think Death sounds pretty reasonable as well. So I Chose LIFE. And thats why I carried on reading.

So I pushed on, and I realised that unknowingly, I had done some of the methods that were in the book already. Which always amazed me when I done things that I hadn't known and yet it was right. I guess its really about following my intuition and the soul. Hence, I wrote down the Truths and let my mind think about it. Of course, I haven't fully let got of Adeline yet, though the negative feelings are reducing but they are still there. However, I am showing more of myself to her these days, what I want and things like that. Today will be meeting up with her for dinner, and we spend some time in deciding the place. Eventually, its at Standing Sushi Bar since her FP can't make it and that since she knows that yesterday Xuan Fang pangseh me. She says her left knee hurts at times, I told her that I will take a look. She says it will be weird and refused. I told her that she has no option, I will still do it. She just laughed.

Again, when I thought of it, my feelings and emotions start to seep through my mind, like "hey dude, you ain't suppose to be like this" , " you really love her don't ya", "why are you still caring for her, after all she has done to you".  Just in time, I was reading about an article on being in the moment, and not in the past nor the future. Hence, I caught myself and told myself to be in the present, the emotions were because of the past where she didn't treat me fairly. As soon as that was settled, the future came up " maybe she will be touched" ," she will realised that you were the best and the other guy sucks", " she suddenly matured and sees you again" .  Again, I caught myself in the future, and I pulled myself back again and told myself that these are all hypothetically. I reminded myself of the things that happened.

Then I realised that by choosing life is not the easy option. death and suffering was. I fully appreciated the quote " To Live is already an Act of Courage". I knew that there will be more of such instances and I am sure that my job search will not be smooth, and that I might have to endure more rejections.

After that I realised that I have spent enough time on pondering and thinkings and not doing anything much. My soul wants to start doing something  I can feel the animal wanting to break out of the cage. I walked from bras basah towards boat quay, I started to talk to myself( FYI its in the family, cuz my mum too). As I walked, I brought up my 5 year plan again. I realised that to achieve it, either I need a SUPER well paid job, super fast track rise up the corporate ladder or to do investments while I get a decent paying job. Naturally, I went for the investments side. So, as I kept walking, I wrote down in my phone. I thought of various ways that my career path can pave out. I decided to retake CFA this December again and maybe some CFMAS papers in between. I set some health goals, like losing weight and what sort of body figure I want.

Today, after waking up, for some reason, I didn't really mopped around, I replied to Adeline some msgs cuz I told her that Man Utd won and I was damn happy. Initially, I planned to go for a run, but I decided to let things flow and I decide to sleep in. I finally jumped out of bed, and somehow the first thing that pop in my mind was to make some alterations to my room's fengshui. I never pre-planned this, I just did it. I went to pour over some books, and made the adjustments, and I burnt some sandalwood incense in the room which I normally do on Thursday but for today, I just did it anyway  After that, bought breakfast and watch running man, and decided to pack my working desk area. Sorted out my certs and transcripts neatly and all. Took a nap as the skies were gloomy and all, though I will have to say that I couldn't really sleep. Maybe sleep debt already repaid le. Haha.

I guess at the end of the day, most importantly, its not to have the 'Victim' mentality. Usually, when we are hit with setbacks, the first thing we felt was that its not fair, it should be this or that, its not our fault. Bloody hell, its her fault or those job interviewers fault. Why Reality is so harsh? 

Hence, with Adeline, I am working towards forgiving her and putting my life as of utmost priority since I am not hers, so might as well I put mine in front. And also with not bothering about her life too much. Whether she will stay in my life in the future or not, I do not know. Neither do I want to fixed an idea and says I want her to. But, I do know that I care for her a lot even now, so I guess I will do what I feel that is right. I figured that if had I known all these, I could have move forward a lot more after Sam rejection. But, then again, without that, I guess won't be here today with such a mindset either. Everything happens for a reason.

With my job search, I decided to let go of all the negativity like the market sucks, apply for jobs that I am not comfortable with. Time to put in more effort in sending well typed out cover letters, and applying for MA programmes besides Banks. Luckily with the extended break for this week, I will be able to have time to make more applications.