Improvements

This morning woke up to a slight emo bout, not like the past, just a slight bit. So posted some emo tweets online, Adeline msg me right after that. She asked whether did I go for a run and say I will feel better after running. She noticed that the tweet was emo, so she ask me to take care. I knew that she knew its because of her, I replied that even until now she still don't know how to comfort someone. She agreed and sucks for the people around her. I replied pity them. After that, we start to crap a lot of stuff..and at times just having light hearted conversation. I asked her how she is, because its been some time since I last checked on her. These past week, had been just me and not about her. Hence, I asked her whether is she happier now or is she feeling less bad now? She says she don't know and that she doesn't want to think. I kinda guessed her answer already, so I said the first thing she had in mind, just say. She says she don't know again. She really still runs away everytime and don't want to think about stuff. I smiled for some reason, I thought to myself that if she is happier, I am relieved. If she is unsure again, I am not going to bother what goes on in her mind. If she is feeling bad, I will comfort her.

I realised that my animosity towards are dissipating. I guess I chose to let go those feelings, its not going to help me at all. Eventually, it will just destroy me. During my run this morning, I fall back onto another fundamental quote that I believed in. " Life is all about choices" .However, I added in something new, whether its automatic or a thoughtful choice. So, I decided to let go of those animosity. I cannot change the past, but at least, at the very least, I should just let those anger towards her fall away. And, just leave the best of what we had between us in my memories.

Am I ready for her as a friend?

I don't really know. Seriously. I think I might still be able to hang out with her. However, she won't be my focus any more. As a friend? No idea. Maybe its possible since no feelings is committed. Today, GK asked if I were to lose any of my senses which will it be. I told him mine is taste. He says his is smell. As I totally forgot about smell, I went to ponder whether smell or taste will be the lesser of the two evils. I came to a conclusion that it will still be taste. I felt that I think smell can be of some use especially around my surroundings. Then, I suddenly said that I used to always like to smell Adeline's hair, for some reason. And memories flashed back, its a nice feeling, when I went back to the past. And I came back almost immediately after that. I don't seem to have the missing feeling, just the feeling that I am happy because she was someone I really loved before and all.

While I was searching for a picture today, I saw the pic that we took back on valentine's. Again, I smiled. I don't really know why, have I accepted it? I also don't know. But, I do know that I felt happy. I guess that this is Love in her most pure form, its this kind of feeling? No hatred, longing and possessiveness, just the feeling that...hmm..I really don't know...something that made me smile. I looked at her smile and I just smiled  as well. I always love her smiles. Of course, I haven't forget the events that lead us to where we are today and the things that she do.

But I think, by being happy and forgiving, only then life can move forward. Today, during the Sashimi buffet with GK, James and Kenneth, GK told kenneth what I told him during a bus ride on what I learnt about my relationship with Adeline. And that it sorta clear a lot of things in his head. I felt a bit proud and all, that my words stick with him and felt grateful for my relationship with Adeline. For it help a friend of mine to sort out his life a little better. Kenneth asked about Zhenni, whom I am bringing to the movie this thursday. I told them that she was an old flame, though now got a bit of interest in her, but I just ended a relationship so I don't think I am ready for another. I told them that I also let Zhenni know that as well. However, I didn't let them know that actually Zhenni is still interested in Clinston. Felt there wasn't a need to share her life with them. GK went on to comment that I was rather brave in the sense that I am willing to chase after girls and do things for them, and for being indirectly or directly know that I am interested in them. I thought back about all my chases, I think there were only a few that I didn't really chased like really hard. I told them that Adeline was the one that I went past all my insecurities. I showed her my displeasure, I became physically close with her and eventually confess to her , like really confess without being forced to. Maybe only when you meet someone that can get you to do those stuff then it will happen.

I feel lighter and I hope that it can carry on. I did thought whether I should hang around Adeline and try to go after her again, but as soon as I thought about it, I realised its foolish. Definitely not now. In the future, I don't know. But definitely not in this year or so. Some things in life, once you let go, it won't easily come back.

I guess after all this, I felt older. I felt that I learn a lot of things in life. Like it really open up my eyes, and it kinda give me some confidence. Like just now at Club Social, we were debating about an ang moh waitress's nationality. So when we were about to settle the bill, I turned and asked her where's she from. I guessed Australia but she said she was from New Zealand. I was like, oh darn...that's close. We all had a good laugh. Its not like I am picking her up or something, its just a friendly conversation. Anws, she was pretty nice and thoughtful while taking our orders down. And she seems friendly, so why not?