Its finally the end of the filing period. Annie is back from her maternity leave. Yus Mei is leaving soon. For me, I am still there. I know I will leave soon, its only a matter of time, for my desire is not in IRAS. Deep down, I believe that its the best for me as well. I do not want to link IRAS to Adeline, for IRAS have also gave me a lot of great memories. Making new friends, staying back and chit chat with people, enjoying the company. There are so many friends I made and some even became a very integral part of my life. People like Yus Mei, Hui Min, Peggy and Marcus. Definitely, going to miss Yus Mei really much because she is someone that I talk quite a lot to and shared the most with also.
Some TCOs like my batch which includes Ming Lee, Jacob,Nurul, Cat and Tee Yan, these are the friends that whenever we hang out, its really awesome to just enjoy each other company. And having cat as a very close friend, is also a blessing. I have already seen through 3 batches of new TCOs, and each batch have made some impression in my life.
The latest batch, I really feel more like an older brother, with most of them are like Ernest age, 18 and 19 years old. They always ask me questions and about University and all. Noelle who has a very sticky character to guys, but its exactly that kind of character that made guys do things for her. I think I am the only one who grumbles a lot when I help her in stuff. I don't think she is a bad person, just that she knows how to manipulate guys to do things for her. And in a way, its not exactly a bad thing is it. For some reason, maybe call me old, I kinda straight away see it already. And, she is really physical. So I am not really complaining as well..haha..I think in the past, I will be like dong xin or think that she is interested in me. I know she has a boyfriend, so I don't really bother about her. I like to disturb her at work and all, like rock the chair etc. She is really ok with grabbing my arms when she is cold, acting ke lian like leaning on my shoulders when tired and punching me when she is bored. I always tell her don't leech me so much, because I got no incentive to gain and I won't really give in much to her. Then there is this guy who she kinda flirt with and he gives her all sort of stuff. So, sometimes, there are too much stuff, so I managed to get some food...hence I am not complaining. haha.
I think I see girls in a different light these days, very different from my younger days, I seen and dated people my age, I mingle with the even younger ones. You start to see the difference and you start to be more wen I guess. The girls around me are starting their Uni lives, mine just ended, my batch of female friends have already been in the workforce for about 2 to 3 years.
I guess after a failed relationship, there is this eternal sadness or a tinge of sadness that will stay with you until the end of days. It's not those detrimental kind of sadness where people hold on to regrets and never move forward. Its more like " life would be different if things had work out" kind of stuff? Its like still thinking about the person every now and then, and wondering how is he/she presently. I remembered samantha's voice when she was talking about yuan long. Although I felt that it wasn't a good relationship, but I can tell that Sam really did love or care for him in a way. The way she described him riding a bike around and all. Its not sadness neither is it regrets, but more of the kind of feeling that you will always end up with a smile on your face while reminiscing.
I guess for me its when I see Sam walking towards me or I see her carrying books, that I end up kinda smiling as well. For, in front of me, its not the career woman that she is now, but still the same samantha that I came to know since 6 years ago. The Samantha that always move slowly and seems to be dragging her life on her shoulders, kinda reminds me of the reason why I care so much for her in the past and eventually fall in love with her. The Samantha that when ever she speaks, its in a measured tone, everything she says is always thought through first. And the occasions, whenever she talk about her sisters, is the few times where she goes entirely auntie like to me. The Samantha that always hide her sadness and troubles away, and wouldn't tell me because she felt that I could not handle it. So I guess its those kind of nostalgic feelings that everyone in life will definitely experience one way or another.
I guess thats what they meant when your first love is the most pure bah. Zhenni, though I love her, but its not as pure as Samantha, neither is it as deep as Adeline. If I may say, she is the person that I don't really love as much as I thought, maybe because its more of a rebound due to Sam last time. Adeline ah...well there have been enough posts about her, but again my love for Adeline is definitely not as pure as Sam though I think its really deep for I broke all possible mental/physical barriers that I have on myself, There had been so many negativity thoughts and distrust that at times when I think back, it borderlines on dysfunctional. I knew I could count on Sam to think of me first, but I doubt Adeline could. And I guess Sam spoils market in this sense, because I realise that most girls out there are not like Sam. For she has went through tough times,and that as a guy, I realise that the most important thing for me is to lead. To be the one who knows how to make the right decisions when the time calls for it. I cannot just give everything up and says I trust you will know how to care for me, I guess thats what happened between Adeline and me. I gave her all my trust and heart that I make things so bad for myself. I should have ended things back in around January or so. But, well, I am not really the kind that gives up easily, so thats hard to say.
Recently, Adeline have been contacting me without much initiative from my end. Like this morning, she took the trouble to wish me morning and chat a little. Sometimes, I wonder whether I deserve it or not, because I told her to continue to contact me though I had let her go already. I can see that she is really trying as evident from this morning, but....*shrugs*
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