Disturbance

The previous post I was talking about like a new found sense of calmness...well..I still do. Just that it got slightly disturb like a pebble that is dropped in a still lake. Was on my way back after dropping off my gown back at Serangoon Broadway, when I saw a msg from Adeline, asking me how's my interview. Because yesterday, I told her that I have an interview and the reason why I contacted her was because supposedly today we were supposed to meet up. But she said that her mum complained that she wasn't home most of the time, so she thought of going back home for dinner.So I initially said that why not thursday. She said she will get back to me. Later i decided that I don't really want to meet her on thursday because I got a feeling that most prolly she is meeting him. So I said I was joking and that lets have it next week lor. She suggested on a tuesday which is the norm when we usually meet, though its after 8pm. I thought she had OT, but she said she had to meet her financial planner first.

These days, I don't take the initiative to msg her already, except on monday I did, but subsequently, I don't really want to, except the above mentioned paragraph. She seem to take the initiative a bit more, like because I remember she says that she don't do enough especially in relationships( which I include friendships as well) , so I can see that she want me somehow in her life. I remember a short conversation we had after that night. I said that the other guy wouldn't want me to be around her, she said that she won't give in on that. I said its not that straightforward de. She says that there are things that cannot give in de. I read somewhere that when you put yourself in a vulnerable position to someone, you either gain a friend for life or a lesson for life.

I think I gained both in a way. However, I can't really see her as a friend neither as someone that I like. I think like a part of my soul died. If its just a broken heart, it can be heal. But a damaged soul? Its not that easy. I don't even dare trust to put my friendship in her. Its really that bad. I was telling yus mei the other day, there were times where I felt she never even given me the basic form of respect or courtesy as a friend. I can see that she is putting effort in trying to get me back in her life, but until the day, where I dare to trust her again, I really won't do anything. Seriously,I also don't know how long she will keep trying, because I don't really show any interest in her life le imho. So, she is also going through a one sided process, I mean I still do carry on conversations and she will sometimes not reply, I don't really bother. She seems much cheerful though so I hope that she is really happy with that guy or so. I do feel a bit bad for not bothering about her, however, like I said earlier, the damage done was really huge. And I can forgive her for what she has done, but I cannot forget about it.

For now, I can't feel the pain nor the love that I have for her anymore. Maybe its the numbness of the heart. However, its not like the numbness that I felt when in 5 years ago, then the numbness was really bad. It spread to from my heart to my life and everyday, to me its only black and white. I just feel that I want to live life to my fullest, to be able to move forward, to see that my dreams and hopes can be achieved. And that something I finally learn was that a relationship is not everything and that life and relationships is about spending the time with people whom really make you happy.

I don't really know whether in the future, I will still have her in my life. Maybe. Maybe not. Like I said in most recent posts, I think I really gave so much that I don't even have the capacity to be a friend. At the end of the day, I should lead my own life  and not think about her life. It doesn't matter to me I think, and anyways, the other guy is responsible for her happiness liao and not me. So, life goes on, and all these will passed.