Consolidation

Had a chat with cat yesterday, wanted to tell her about everything that had happened since we last met up a month ago. In a way, its my way of consolidation, of taking stock about where all this is going. So after having a meal and movie with tee yan and nurul, we thought of grabbing a seat somewhere and talk to her. After some failed attempts, she suggested talking a walk since I always seem to think better whenever I walked. So we walked from dhoby all the way to esplanade there.

And I recounted everything from the last we met, till today, and expected the first response that when I told her about the episode when I laid my plans down back 2 or 3 weeks ago to Adeline, was like everyone else. I stopped her before she carried on. I told her what were my thoughts and beliefs, I told her about the episode on Friday, I told her what I still do for Adeline while she was emo these past few days. I explained why am I doing on these. I acknowledge the dangers that I may fall, I told her that I promise samantha that I will not put myself in the same situation as before, so she don't have to worried about that.

I also told her some texts that I followed up the next day after Friday, which I texted Adeline. I woke up and still feeling a little confused over the previous night, that I went to read some positive thinking articles and attempted to do some meditation. I send Adeline a text message, some what more like a thank you message. I thank her for a numerous stuff, for letting me back into her life, for giving me a sincere hug, for listening to me, for giving me an opportunity to continue to love her. She replied that I shouldn't be the one saying thank you, but rather she thank me for loving her instead. She said sorry for hurting me so badly. I told her its not only her fault but eventually its both of ours. I told her my hopes about us, I hope that we both will be happy together and that my vision of us being together will happen. Lastly, I gave her the promise that I only give to people that I truly like in my life. She is the third to receive it.

Like most of my friends or girls that have came before, cat was like I wish my bf was like half of you. Lol...I always seems to spoil the market, don't I? However, no , I don't think that I am like some godly person or with some bottomless pit of goodness in me. I believe in the best of people, and I am always trying to uncover the goodness of people, especially people that I truly like. And that's the way I am with Adeline. I don't know for what end will be install for me, but I am glad that at the very least, this is the way that I want to handle it. The path that is filled with positivity, of connection and of loving someone. I remembered that night on Friday, Adeline asked how on earth am I able to always think so rationally and not be influenced by emotions? She was amazed that I am someone that can do it. I told her that I am not god like, I am still a human, I am still pretty much governed by my emotions. Its just that I am able to differentiate what's rational and what's my emotions. Its not something that I attained overnight or due to her, its due to years of going through stuff, years of listening to myself and friends and putting in effort in trying to be a stronger person and application. Its just that because of her, all these just got kinda accelerated. I told her that I never know I can do all these until when I have no other choice but to be strong.

In any case, I don't want to think or pine for the future lest I got myself lost in it. I just want us to enjoy every conversation that we have, to be filled with more deeper connections and happy times. And that every time  we hang out, we will be happy and comfortable. Eventually, I hope that she will be able to decide that I am someone she can love as well. I remembered that I told her that " what's mine will be mine", so I don't feel that I have to do anything extra, and just try to care and love for her. She says like a boomerang right ? I chuckled ...she always knows how to be anti climax.