Dear, Thank You for being in my life=)

Never really knew that one can miss someone so much that all you ever want is to see that someone just for a few hours, and I will be contented. I guess the cat is out of the bag...er...no pun intended here..haha

These days anything with Cat in it, makes it seems like a pun or something. She is so gonna be smiling right now if she sees this. I seem to keep re-discovering this girl every date that we hang out, keep falling in love with this person again and again. I find that sometimes I am quite lucky to be with her and she also says the other way round...haha..aww.. 

Like just now, I think she pointed out something to me that she was not happy about something. And if she didn't point it out, I wouldn't have notice at all. Its kinda like my bad habit I guess...its like when the bullfrog sings and he gets so immersed with his voice that he ignores his mate who is beside him nudging him. So, its nice when there is a feedback loop and that she don't leave things to fester and manifest into something that is contagious and bad. Its really something that I am looking out for in a relationship, communication where 2 people can communicate and you know, be really connected without being afraid of each other. To me, it's really important such communication is important. And that's something that I hope I won't take for granted. But I know, if I might, she will remind me once its become apparent to her...haha

I guess being in a r/s, its all about complementing each other and helping each other grow. With her, I feel that I am slowly moving towards something that I had always knew I wanted but for some reason or not, it has always remain a thought/an ideal but I am beginning to take small steps towards it and I learn how to let go of certain things and to be kinder to myself. And I hope I am able to influence in some ways, on how to enjoy life as a process and not as a means to a goal. 

Being a lover is one thing, but being a partner is another. And I am beginning to see more sides in her that I never got a chance in the past. Of course, she has her quirks, her quick temper and stuff. I am more slow to anger unless its something that I feel like it touches on my principles. No one is entirely perfect, when you like someone, you have to like everything, like the bad and good. In a way, its quite a challenge and I am a little interested to see how I would react if things really heats up. But, I guess and hope that before shots are fired we are able to seat down and have a talk before things get out of hand. I think as long as comms is good, there is nothing that we can't overcome. 

  Seems like I m the younger one in most pics..haha

One of my fav pic of her

my most amusing pic of her 

This might be getting said too often, oks maybe not...but I feel that such things have to be said every now and then, and not wait till there is no chance to. 

So, dear, thank you for coming into my life and inner circle and brightening up my world and teaching me new things in life. Even though, it seems that most of the time I am the one teaching you instead...haha..I am not stoking up my ego here!!!...haha=P

About Time, Moments and the small things in Life

Today went to watch the movie About Time with Cat, its been highly rated by most of my friends, hence wanted to watch it. Also, its a a romantic comedy so think Cat won't be too bored by it. Its a typical British Rom com , with their witty comments and how British english is used. And like all its predecessor, " LOVE ACTUALLY", its the same producer btw, the camera shots have plenty of the wonderful British Scenery.

In my opinion, its not really so much of a romantic comedy, but of a father son love, the ability to go back in time and change, would you have done it any differently? It also shows that sometimes going back in time, will not change anything.

And like the part where the male lead wanted to change his sister's life so that she will lead a more fulfilling life had she not met the jerk. Only to realise that by doing that, his life will also be altered in a way or another, there is no ideal situation, one have to give in order to receive. And that we can never interfere with another's life, eventually, that person has to change his/her self.

I think the entire movie main moral is " Either this or that, something have to be sacrificed for something else to be given" and a lighter moral is that " Life is given to you in such a manner, whether its good or bad, its up to you"

I guess the movie is not as well developed like Love Actually, and that there were a lot of parts which were left too unattended, as there could be more development there. I think for me, something that struck me a bit deep, is to really live each day as if the next day will never come. And appreciating the small things in life.

Its all the small acts that really touched me, her eyes when she looks at me always make me melt a little, her lying on my shoulder when she is tired and...this is going to stoke up her ego, even her light slap at my tummy ...also make me laugh. So, its really all these small little things that goes a long way. These things that make me want to put her needs first before mine and that to protect her as best as I could possibly can.

My wall is crumbling

As the date keeps getting nearer, my confidence is slowly being eaten away. I am scared. I can feel it, the fear, the intense pressure, the uncertainty, the feeling that I am not going to make it. The fighter in me tells me that not all is lost, that there is still time. However, the rational side is saying that time is not on my side, and that there is simply too much to study and prepare for. I cannot seem to concentrate, my mind is filled with thoughts of giving up, thoughts of just try again another year. However, the moment that I feel like giving up, I got this sick feeling that creeps out, the sick feeling that" why am I such a noob?" , "Why did I give up?". Its quite irritating, fear is such a powerful force.

It is eking away whatever time I had left. I hate this feeling. This feeling of helplessness. I need to focus, I know that. Whether I can find that driving force or not, I am not sure. Maybe I just need to sleep, so to sleep away all these stupid fears and negative emotions.

Distant

A story on relationships:

A master asked his disciples:

‘Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’

the disciples thought for a while, and one of them said
‘Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.’
‘But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you? ‘Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’
The disciples gave him some other answers but none satisfied the master.

Finally he explained:
‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.’

Then the master asked:
‘What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’

And he concluded:
‘When they love each other even more, what happens?
‘They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love.

‘Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’
 

I feel that lately I am unconsciously trying real hard to reach to others, either due to social pressure or to get someone to pay more attention to me. Now of course, the above story is about anger and all, but if I were to change perspective about it, it will also mean much "noise" disturb 2 hearts. 

Maybe after what I had been through and what I had so desperately wanted had driven me so far to the dark and skeptical side of life. And I ended up viewing things in a rather warped mentality. Don't get me wrong, its not about being naive, I am definitely more expressive as compared to the past. For  I am tired of trying to hint to people to understand me. 

What I am saying here is...to feel again and with a sense of purity. To believe its nothing wrong, to try to open up again. Of cuz, its not about just being nice and all. I kinda believe that ideology is bad for health. Rather its to just use the heart and feel. Kinda realise that using the heart and emotions are different entities. We liked to lump both of them together. Yes, they are correlated, but both are not the same. For feeling with your heart, is the ability to empathise, to love. Emotions are more impulsive things and more often than not, it leads to things that we kind of regret later on. 

Seeking the things that we ever covet

A lot of things in life we as humans ever desired so much. We search high and low for it. The wise ones tells us that its within us. The worldy ones tells us that we should do this and that. Those in denial tells us to look for alternatives. Having hear all that, we will still continue to search. So, even when those who are enlightened tells us that it is within us, why do we still search? 

We search because we don't want to believe that's exactly what we wanted, don't want to believe that therein lies the answer, don't want to believe that we are wrong or mislead, don't want to accept reality but maybe...just maybe that its because that's all that we wanted. 

To carry on the search, for without the search, life may be meaningless. 

Hmm seems like I hardly blog these days, well maybe life has been oks and all. Of cuz, as time keeps drawing nearer to CFA date, I am getting worried. Although, Cat likes to say that I just talk only but I still kept going out. However, these days, I just want feel like living a slower pace of life. I don't know. Maybe the past 2 plus months I had been going out, staying late and club twice. I suddenly feel in need of a more slower pace of life. Actually wanted to study today, but the weather and all is making me terribly hard to. So decided to take a step back, slept till ard 11am....of cuz I kept rolling around in bed. And, Cat also gone to JB for the saturday, so a bit sianz. Eventually, decided to watch Discovery Channel.

Really like the mythbusters and Man Vs Wild series, some of my favourite discovery channel shows of all time. At the same time, just try to be more at peace with myself. I didn't really expect it to happen but somehow it just did. For I too can't really forget about that night or rather the whole thing just feel so comfortable and enjoyable. Its been quite some time since I last felt so comfortable and myself in front of someone else that I don't have to put on masks anymore. Cuz with everyone I tend to wear a mask, even if  I drink a lot and have fun or club, I also have that mask. The mask for just pure having fun, Of course, I have no idea if I am totally wasted whether I will still have mask on.

The few people in my life I really took the masks down for is Sam , Pig ,GK, Yus Mei and JianYang. Even with Adeline in the past, I never really took it down. For a brief moment I did, but I was so hurt by her that I put it back on. These days, I rather wear it around and not show my true self to most people, or rather my inner self. I mean I still can go out , have fun,chit chat but I would not let most people to get too close into my soul for I am afraid. So I am surprised at myself for taking it down in front of that person.

Letting go of the handle

How interesting things have turned out in a lot of ways. I realise that to let go of some aspects of control in my life, and I am rewarded with so many different and awesome moments in my life. Thats how I got this job at BNP, when after 15 interviews I got it, even the conversion was a surprise as I had not really hope for it. I meet new kinds of people, like wx and luck at work...and the crazy ah lian gang at work as well. The nice girl-next-door, Xue Juan and the exposure to working life in a bank and the consequences of a small negligence would lead to a potential 3.5 Million HKD loss by a client. I ended up running more than what I had intended to.

I would never expect myself to tell Zhenni the whole truth, as its something that I had originally wanted to keep it till the end of my days, for I had thought that it will be too much for her. However, in the end, I said it out not in the hope for anything, but for the fact of acceptance and the closure to my past self. I realise that closure is very important in quite a lot of things. In actual fact, I feel lucky that I am able to have my closures in life, I am sure many others , even at the end of their days, there is still some lingering regrets and open issues. I become more and more comfortable being alone, at home on myself. I thought of a plan that I had to follow, for the next 2 years or so. I am feeling much more at peace with myself.

Initially, when I bought the USS annual pass, I only thought will be with Lao Er. Who knows that I managed to drag Tracy along and as well as that Cat would also buy it. Speaking of Cat, I cannot stress enough how much fun it is to be around her...well oks maybe its cuz I am like super hyper around her. Well, I guess for some people in this world, I can be like that...I am usually the reserved kind with most of my friends, though this year, I seem to be breaking out more often. Cat is someone who is pretty focus on what she wants I guess, though I feel that she has a lot of complexes in her. So, everytime, out with her, just want her to let go of some inhibitions and enjoy the moments. A lot of people missed out on the moments for numerous reasons, but what makes memories are exactly these moments. And maybe thats why I love travelling, I love being in the moment of an unknown place, knowing that I can take numerous photos of the area, feel the different climate, the culture and the food. Of course, I also learnt some things from her, like her zest and focus...always need some people like that in my life, to spur me on towards greater heights. I used to always see her as a xiao mei mei in the past, like a younger sister that I want to take care and guide along the way, sometimes I forgot that she is the eldest..haha. But, this year feels that she had grown quite a bit and I see her as more of an equal these days ..haha..just someone to have fun with and someone that I want to let her know that life is really not that bad, so smile and laugh and be a bit crazy. Its not where you are that determines your life, Its how you feel that determines your life. She always says that she is dull and boring and live pretty much a dead life. However, I don't see her in that sense, she has her own kind of humour, her charms which I felt that she should be more confident of, and a seriousness that has my respect as well.

This year, I had sat BattleStar Galatica which is a roller-coaster ride, my sister knows me that I don't seat such rides in my life. The previous time are when she dared me, I mean when Tracy dragged me to sit, though I was a little apprehensive but I still just went along and took the rides. And, its pretty exhilarating, its like I let go of being in control, I let the need of control to be up to the system, to God or fate or whatsoever. I still do want control and the ability of freedom to do anything with my time. But there are a lot of things that there is no point trying to control, maybe what we really need to control is not the events but our emotions/reactions to the events instead. And I guess thats somewhat Christianity is pretty good at, to lay man sins on Jesus, is to let certain things go.

There will always be things to be thankful in our everyday life, when we learn to be more thankful, I guess life will flow easier.

Enough is enough...

Well I think after 5 years, I think I finally gotten the courage to say what I had been hiding for all these while. Maybe its really the dwindling of feelings or it might be the fact that I am getting older and in a way, getting fed up about being silent and just carry on being the nice guy while still hoping for things to happen.

But, I guess I am more of wanting to be accountable to that portion of myself, the side where I am still like Zhenni. The portion where will always make me to some irrational agreements as well as the fact that I am always helping her out and all. I just want her to know that all these happens its not because I am an ultra good friend or something. There is always another reason why  I am doing all these, so I just want her to know that. Thats all. Anws, I told her I think I already used up my 3 tries already, she is the only person that have to confess in a way 3 times in my life. So, from today onwards, I will see her in another light, I don't really need to put up any image or sorts anymore.

And with that, I finally laid to rest, this ever long lasting half ass liking someone. Or rather its finally the closure of something that I have never solved for the past 5 years. I have always brushed it aside due to lack of courage, timings or self denial. Its a very long standing issue, hopefully, my soul will be more appeased.

No doubt, I think this will have some impact on the friendship, but I believe this is the right thing to do. This is the only girl that after so long, I still haven't really close it, maybe because I still hope for something. However, this year has shown me enough instances otherwise and I think after Adeline, I am sick and tired of giving and giving and not being recognised nor having some reciprocation. I know that people like to say, giving is a form of loving. However, I think both me and Samantha realise that its not really the case. Its extremely tiring for one to keep giving and yet still being subjected to hurt and insensitivities

Its pretty ironic or rather coincidental that both Samantha and me, had a kinda a new start in a friendship in both of our lives. We both did something that I guess we should have done many years ago, and not leave it till now, where we decided thats enough is enough. So, its nice to have Samantha around me and on the phone. Nice to have someone to share a moment like this with. And such moments, are never premeditated before hand.

We have somewhat similar problems that happened at the same time. However, I think hers is more serious. But, I think that's the way for her to take. Well then, here's to both our new chapter in life.

Emo Peeps

Recently, Samuel( one of my army friends) just broke up with a girl that he really likes, and in a way, love for the first time. I am not going to comment about his past, where he have multiple girlfriends at one time. Basically they are all open relationships, which means he told them that he can be dating other girls at the same time as well. And they are cool with that. So, in a way, its not that bad...but still from my opinion, its still a bit wrong.

Listening to his whines and rants, than his emo outbursts every now and then in our group chat. I can't help but feel sympathetic towards him. For I totally understand what he is going through. Being a taurus, he like me, when we like someone, truly love someone, its like we give our life and soul away. So totally can feel him.

I only know his side of the story, I don't know the girl's side. But, I feel that his stubbornness got the better of him, he couldn't let go of some issues. Dragged this issue too long, and eventually it lead to a path of no return.

Today also hear about LY stories, seems like an emo day/night for people sia. I can totally or rather macro see each of them the problems, the confusion, the hatred, the indignity, the preconceived ideas and the assumptions of the situation.

I think at every end, there are so many questions. So many questions that need answering. Some turn to the heavens and asked the gods. Some turned to friends and alcohol to numb the pain. Similarity is that they want answers, they want a closure given to them. However, at the very end, closure is only given by yourself.  They want to have that love, they cannot understand why when things seem to fit, yet at the same time its also ill-fitting. And trust me, neither do I know. Adeline used to tell me things, I can never understand why we couldn't work out. Everyday, I asked myself the why. Over and over again, never once did I ever stop thinking about it.

Eventually, I feel that there is no point in asking why anymore. I rather just classified it as an unanswered question. I prefer to believe that even if a lot of things seems fit and all, but one factor is wrong, den things will still never work out. As long as every possible controllable factor has been done, then its enough. Relationships is always about 2 persons, and there is no correct way or wrong way of handling it. There is so many possible permutations how the other person will react, and how I will react. In the end, its only how much they want to make it work. It should never ever be one sided.

The battle that looms ahead

Hmm...just some updates here again. I think the significant thing was my conversion from contract to perm recently. And some mistake I made on thursday which I hoped won't cause any problems to the conversion. But, with this conversion, I think I came out with a rather relentless plan in my opinion, I have to complete my CFA by 2015. I know its a bit crazy...but I think once I chose this route, of conversion, I really cannot stay too long in Ops any longer. So, I guess I will have to do the crazy, to pass my CFA by Dec 1st again.

Need to prep myself both mentally and all, shall have to restart mugging. I am quite comfortable with the current life now, provided my Job, I don't do huge mistakes and get myself fired. Other than that, life is pretty comfy. Weekends go for food and drinks, weekdays watch shows and go for runs. Time really flies, but its this kind of time, that in the long run it scares me. For its such time, where time flows stealthily behind, where in the past, such time can be easily noticed. But now, its so unnoticeable. And before you know it, you look back and asked yourself, what have I been doing the past few years?

I am beginning to find out more about myself, to be more comfortable in my own skin, to be a little crazy at times, to be YOLO but at the same time, to keep the analytical part of myself. I wasn't really that crappy in the past, but I was like really crappy until during the trip with cat.

There are so many insights that were shown to me during the trip. And at work,  I realise that if one can click and have chats on whatsapp, it doesn't mean that in reality, 2 can be close as well. I also see what sort of people I can click with, what sort of girls I will like and love to hang around more often.

Random 2D1N trip up north

Last weekend, went on a random 2D1N trip to Malacca with Cat. Quite interesting and fun, I got a feeling she is going to kill me anytime with me making fun and suan-ing her 24/7. And me being a nuisance when I drank quite a lot and get a little high...lol...but its fun doing stupid things...saw a different side of malacca while travelling on foot, unlike last time whenever my dad drives. Get to see and experience a different side of Cat. Eventually, I think I spend the most..like on clothes and stuff...haha..Too bad she first day tired, if not, there will be more crazy shots le...oh wells...there is still a Sentosa Outing coming up...hahaha...

Waiting for the ever slow cat at golden mile....                                Cat trying to act cute...LOL  

Off we go!!!!

 My Gundam Wing anime to watch on the journey.

 First thing is to have "fishes " in my stomach first

 This is freakin cheap!!! only RM15...u guys can do the maths=P

One thing to have in Malaysia....A&W Root Beer Float!!!!!

 Dont know what on earth am I climbing a ladder for@.@

 Now is that a hallucination or not...creepy...

From inside St Paul's Church 

 This serves like the most awesome Milk Crepe ever!!

 The Original flavour...which is like damn milky and have layers...I like!!

Original and Double Choc....Both equally awesome!!

 Jonker Street

 Globalisation...what on earth is a taiwan food here in malaysia???

 Assam Laksa!!

 This is one of the highlights, awesome salmon in a street environment...doesn't get any unique than this.

 My  family fav. Cockles!!! hehe

 Quail Eggs...though from this shot it doesn't look like it           the STINGRAY!!! Enough Said

Finally get to eat some Nyonya food...quite random stop...otah so-so nia...but the Chendol was not bad ...least the Gula Melaka not that sweet...I like it..haha

 Intro a nice and light beer to Cat 

My beloved Whisky on the rocks

Stupid Cam whore moments....things ppl do when they are high from Carlsberg Special Brew.

 Cat thought that I want to take a photo of her...and she gamely posed..proud of ya*claps*

 The initial idea of taking this pic w/o the person..haha.. A stroke of photography gene in me is awaken

 Our favourite spot eating Milk crepes ...on top of a fire extinguisher

Chicken rice in Melaka...another local delicacy.

 Trying out BlackBall dessert in Malaysia...SG also have..not bad actually

 Looks like she is cam-whoring...but..actually its me who press the trigger...MUAHAHA

 Ah...a proper photo this time round

 As usual, long bus ride have an automatic "switch" in her head to go into hibernation mode

Going back to Singapore le....time flies damn fast as usual

Despicable Me - Mini-Movie 'Banana'

Can never get enough of these guys...BA--NA--NA!!!!!

Traumas

Just recently, Maine showed me a pic and tells that Ivan(Maine's ex) got together with another girl le. I was like...wow..its about time already. I think its been like a year plus since they last broke up though the cracks was like about 2 years liao.

When Maine told me that,  I somehow noticed her voice. It reminded me of Sam's when we had some conversation about ex-es a couple of months back. Such a voice gives me the feeling of being nostalgic, reminiscing about the past. I asked her, how she knows that he is together with that girl? She said she wasn't sure, she texted him and he didn't reply back at all. She gave a sigh and a smile after saying that.

I immediately thought that Maine must have end it in a way that Ivan cannot accept, and in a way still blame her for it. Either that or he can never bring himself to talk to Maine ever again. With that, I feel that each individuals have their scars and quirks. Me too.

Its like a person that has been through shit, and now he is carrying the impact from it, through the rest of life. Its like those war movies, where war veterans still carry the emotions and thoughts and mental scars for life. At the same time, you realise that some stuffs that once you were particular about, now is quite insignificant in the face of the aftermath.

"Food for Thought" thoughts

Today, after spending time with the army guys at Playnation, GK and me went to just roam around. As GK has a movie date at 9.15pm, so we hanged out at Coffee Bean. GK asked me, what does it feels like to be in love? He told me that he had already forgotten about it, I replied saying that it must be like when your first love is? As I heard that the first love is really the most pure. And for that I strongly concur,at the point of time, the amount of things and trials I am willing to go through, to change...and at the end of the underlying reason, was just purely because of love. As time goes on, as one goes through different people, as one had relationships, things changed. It will no longer be purely about love. Realities will be a factor, time will be a factor and at the end of it, love will never be as pure as before. Just like when a kid grows up, he is never as pure and innocent when he was young.

Sometimes I do question myself whether everything I did for Adeline, was it for love or was it because I felt obliged to or was it because of my fears. It was never as simple as Samantha. It will be definitely be nice if one day, I can say that I do things for someone simply because I love her. I think personally, love is something that has to be a 2 way thing. If you love someone, but the other don't show some or any reciprocation, then I believe its just liking someone. Its pretty normal for any human being to want to feel loved, whether in a small way or not. So, if there is no reciprocation, then how do you love someone? Sometimes all it takes is just one small action, and then one can love that person a long time. But, ultimately, its a 2 way thing. I think dramas show that unrequited love is possible, yeah, its possible but I think deep down the person who gives it, will end up in self torture and regrets at the end. TV shows glamorises unrequited love, when the female lead rejects the poor handsome male lead, and then the masses will sympathise with him. In reality, outsiders will sympathise with you but like the female lead, the person you like will still be unable to be with you. Over time, it will be more painful.

Hidden Beneath

Actually, I had typed out a half written entry yesterday, however, I left it unwritten because of lack of time and I had thought that Blogger would actually saved it as draft. So, I mistakenly turned my laptop off. Only to realise it just, that it was not saved. Thinking back, in a way, it won't be a good post I guess...as the current post is more of a stable version and current thoughts that I have now. The previous one maybe its more of a forced kind? Everything happens for a reason. Ha

Well, today started on watching "V for Vendetta" for the first time, I know ...its a bit late...considering the film was out a couple of years ago liao. Its a good movie, I like these kind of thinking movie. And the British English that was used, somehow made it felt more intellectual. It touches a lot on oppression and the idea of Fascism. I will not touch on social order or politics here, but what kinda struck me was the idea of fear.

Actually, I had a lot of ideas that just suddenly burst out in my mind...oks not really ideas but more of thoughts and perspectives. Alright, now back to the notion of fear. So, I started thinking, was I afraid and that eventually it leads to me being an emotionally charged person, a guy with many images, a guy that somehow want to portray a particular image?  Which results in me being not at peace, feeling that I am lacking something in my life.

In all actuality, my handlings with Adeline, after I decided that we will kinda stop contacting each other for some time, was not very well handled, I think. Deep down, I still blame her for everything that had happened. Yet, at the same time, I can't seem to let go of her from my life. Or rather, the girl that I held on to so much. Sometimes, I will have negative thoughts, and then I will reply in a curt manner. I will post negative tweets knowing that she will read it. I hate myself for still wanting her yet at the same time I want her to disappear from my life. So, I dig deeper.

I was not happy when I was with her, I knew that...all along. However, I didn't want to acknowledge that. I ran away because I want to believe that there is someone, her, that when together, we could have a future. So, I kept the good memories and the things we done together. Then, when things began to show, when she kept her distance from me, I began to get angry and blame her for it. I wore a mask when I am with her, I showed another image to some friends of mine when on the topic, sometimes I didn't even want to talk to about it. However, whenever I am alone, she will come floating back in my mind. Regrets, Guilt, Anger, Pride, Helplessness, Sadness and Loneliness all locked target and fired at me at once. Luckily, all these don't happened in a day, its just at different intervals or during different incidents. I still feel bad about things I had said. Words are dangerous tools, it can bring anyone to the skies and yet it can drag anyone down all the way to the centre of hell.

Today, I understand that it was fear, the fear that I will be all alone, with no one around me. Its this fear that drives me to hang on to her. Fear of the truth is she never truly love me as much as I do. Fear that I will never find anyone. Fear that I cannot handle the fact that she is with someone else. And because of these fears, I linked all the negative thoughts to her, because of these fears, I blamed her for the pain she had caused to my life. Because of these fears, I refused to let her go even after the signs were there. Because of these fears, I drove myself to the very edge. The fear that prevents me from seeing her as a friend. I do not know whether its possible for us to remain friends, I believe that we can remain on talking terms, but anything else, I think...might really leave it up to fate. Because, we have little in common.

And because of all these, I can never be myself. I felt that I am in disequilibrium or what sorts. I felt that my life is wrong, I felt lost and I turned to other things to relieve me of those feelings. Basically, I felt something was missing and I kept searching for it.

Interestingly, I don't expect myself to be anyone else anymore, yet at the same time, I can feel that something in me had changed. I don't feel like myself a year ago anymore. I felt stronger, felt more alive yet at the same time, I seemed to have changed and be more in control. For some reason, I felt that there are things which I am not afraid or when some things happen, I am not in panic mode nor depressed mode. With that, I became more authoritative as well, if I insist on something and if its something I feel strongly, I will still insist on it. For people who knew me for some time, I think they will feel that I am very chill and that usually its more of what they wants, rather then what I want. These days, I began to stamp a little of my authority on things.

And as I finally acknowledges these fears. I feel a lot more lighter now. I am myself, I cannot alter things that had already happened, all  I can do, is to be myself. To be true in everything I do. To let go. Finally, to have faith...and beliefs.

ICT 2013

And so end unofficially my ICT for the year 2013. It also marks that half a year has already passed. Before I dwell on the half year mark. This post will be about ICT.

This year ICT is another low key affair. So, its pretty chill...in fact its super chill compared to last year si bei hectic schedule. Over 4 days, and in actual fact its only 3 days with Friday being a movie day. So, sponsored fully by SAF, how cool is that?..haha. We did really minimum training, with standard equipment training as well as body conditioning to the masks and our personal equipment. Of course, we aren't like our active days already, but still put in a decent performance I think. However, can see the overall company fitness level really drop like siao. Previously, the younger platoons are like quite fit because they ORD later than us. After one year passed, a lot of them cui liao....like really cui...I pushed myself hard during my IPPT and was amazed to see myself out running most of them, even my commanders. Though eventually I still failed, but I know that a pass is not impossible. Just need to put in additional effort.

In addition, the slower pace of life also gave me quite a breather in life. I finally got a chance to ponder, to walk slower and do day-to-day things without a rush. Ever since I gotten my BNP job and my break up with Adeline, I had never truly really have the time and place to just really chill and let myself come through.

It was awesome just spending time with the army bunk guys. People don't really change much at all. Even after 5 years, when we all come together, we still exude the same traits that define each of us. We still tease the same guys, we talk cock, we still have playful punches with each other. Each of us have a role in our day to day army life, that it seems so au naturel. Even down to the whinings, complains and sarcasm are still pretty much the same. The specs are still the same, we don't call each other by ranks anymore, just names.

People come and go, most of our old regulars have already been out of service or transferred somewhere else already, but the camp is still the same. And, Seletar Camp for 39th SCE is the oldest camp buildings in singapore, so things are pretty much the same. Its like pretty much like we never left, we just slipped back in time and into our Army Life like 5 years ago.

Overall, its a great ICT in my opinion. It provides me quite some insights and a break for my otherwise tired mind.

Baring Ourselves

Yesterday after work, went for a Korean BBQ with Tracy and JianYang. Was kinda a bit of a dull session with tracy already eaten her fill and jy also ate quite a bit. And found out that the reason why Tracy ignore our group chat for a week or so. Just realised that it was Ben's fault of trolling her too much. And she was pissed off. I checked with her to see how she was, and she asked me what's the probability that anyone of us pissed her off, I was like....NAhhh...pretty impossible..ROFL. How wrong I was. But, sometimes we do troll her too much. But oh wells, let bygones be bygones bah. haha

So after the dinner, we went and just roam around, bought bubble tea and ended up having our first HTHT with Tracy. Which is by far...pretty difficult to begin with...lol..Maybe because both JY and me are very easily able to express ourselves whereas Tracy is the more not so deep kind? So a lot of stuff that we discussed, she never really thought of it in depth.

To get the ball rolling, both JY and me decided to say about each of us. JY started saying off by that how focus I am as a person, and he felt pressurised and stress sometimes with me around. I was pretty shocked to hear the truth, I mean I know we both are pretty different, but I didn't expect my willingness to fight for things is at times pressuring him in a way. For some reason though, when he said I was focus as an individual, my initial reaction was that I am not so much like in the past anymore. And then the next feeling came up, was that of " Yeah. Thats me, I am always fighting , I hate to be stagnant". I thought back throughout my years. I wasn't much of a fighter until I met Samantha and in the Army. I was basically a floater. However, in Army, especially BMT, when I am away from the comforts of life and subjected to humiliation by the Specs, 6 days in the Jungle and the spooky happenings, something just changed in my mind. And then when in 39th SCE, given PS harsh trainings, almost everyday was just to survive. Nothing else, pure survival. And either you survive or you fall and in the end, risk singled out by your superiors.

Ever since then, I hate losing to circumstances. I know there will always be better,faster competitors out there and I don't mind losing. Even if its Pride at stake, I am not that kind of person. However, I do feel that I will be absolutely damned if I bow out without giving a fight due to circumstances or if I can still make something work out. If I gave everything, and yet I still KO, so be it, then I KO with no regrets.

Second thing that JY said was that I always seem to be afraid of being lonely. And that I am always craving for company. In a way, he is very true. I am a somewhat insecure person, someone that always want friends to be around. I am afraid of being alone. I don't like to be without friends, without companionship...I like games when friends are actively playing together. Hence, I don't like those solo games. And that's something that I realise something myself as well. I am afraid of being alone in this world, when friends are all married and have family commitments and I don't have anyone around me. Maybe that's the thing I missed most from being with Adeline, not that she is with me, but the fact that there is still someone there though she dont give me the feeling of that. Maybe thats also the same reason why I can't stand the idea of being alone. I am not at peace with myself, expecting myself to be at a certain place in life, but currently I am not.

I think thats something I need to work out more often. To watch what my thoughts are, and to rediscover the fighter in me.

Haze-ppenings

As time flies, it has already been a month since I last started work at BNP, time really flies very fast. I always wondered whether is it due to the job scope or is it once started work, time really flies super fast. If its the later, I can assure you, its pretty darn scary. However I think the current thing that is on everyone's mind is the HAZE issue that is around Singapore right now. It has been quite some time since I last saw a clear blue sky, it was only yesterday at Saturday then the skies are clear and the air is much better. Today was also a better day though there seems to be some remnants of particles in the air still.

 These days, weekends are just for me to go out and just do whatever I want. Like yesterday, went with Ben, I just somehow ended up at the new shopping centre at Jurong East called JEM. Then went to Jcube for dinner, and people watch the ice skaters. Seems that its quite nice as well, Today, went out for brunch with Zhenni. Got car, really damn shuang. Can go to many places, and when one is really bored, still can just drive around and explore uncharted areas. Of course, the only thing is that I don't pay for petrol. Which is a huge turn off, once I begin to earn and upkeep my own car. Fuel efficiency will be terribly important.

I think for the past few weeks, I was rather sticky to Joey because, I think I thought that we both got common topics and we msg each other pretty often. So definitely, there were thoughts that ..hmm maybe I should chase her? ..After some time, I realise that ..hey...do you want to end up all over again, where either u get rejected or when u get together just because u were that nice and in the end, another adeline all over again.

I also in a way, decided to not bother much about Zhenni, as like I always said, on paper, I really cannot find anyone else like her whom fits so easily in my life and that we share so many common interests in life. However, obviously she don't have a thing for me, and I am not really into her for me to try to create something and besides, when I dropped some hints, her reaction was like out of this world...so yeap. I read from somewhere that rather than say " How will I find the right someone?" , instead we should ask " How to be the right person for that someone?"

And I am a strong believer of the "More you desired something until it becomes desperate, the further it will get away from you". These days, its more of about my career and where should I move towards to , rather than anything else. I am still undecided on retaking CFA for I am not sure whether should I stick to my initial dream of being an analyst, or maybe I should just get a well paid or decent job and just purely investments and all.

But, I think time will give me an answer , or rather the universe will. And when the time comes for me to make a stand, to decide, I will have know what to do. Life is pretty short...so take everyday as it comes and live it up to its fullest potential.

Happiness and Contentment

After months of being stuck in a rut, I have not rid of all the shackles. I feel that I am moving forward, though its still really pretty small steps. There will be days where I will still blamed others for the loneliness and the fact that life feels pretty routine. Days where I feel that why things don't always turn out the way I want. However, there are days, where I can still smile and tell the world that all of us are where we have to be at any given point of time. Days where I am contented being wherever I am at, being at home. These days, I don't really want to stay at home for I feel that I am easily emotionally stirred at home and that I want to be out doing things that make me feel that my weekends are fully utilised. Mum always says I go out so much more these days after I found this more stable job. Which is true to some extent, maybe because I do not want to feel alone.

These days, every morning, especially the first 2 weeks of work, I always message people during morning so that I won't feel bored on the train ride to work. I wonder whether its my way of feeling that I have people around me. I don't used to be like this, after Adeline, I suddenly in need of attention and my friends around me. Its not a really good thing I guess, but I am working away from it. I am trying to be comfortable around myself and only myself. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself again so to..well..live a life that is pretty zai, to be up there...to be this or that. To have this or that, to have someone etc etc.

I guess I have to learn on how to let go of certain things and yet find something or a belief, to live my life. Maybe the answer I had always known it...its just whether I want to face it or not.

I am never one for what society tells me, I do things that I feel I should. If I had gotten a job just so to have a job, then I would have already took the Maybank dealer job a couple of months back. I still feel strongly for job satisfaction and the feeling that a job is not stagnant. Ytd, LY and Kel were like saying that a job is still a job, its just a means of earning money so to survive in this world. However, deep down, I feel that life shouldn't be like that. Work is going to take up a lot of time in one's life, assuming we live till 100, and we start work from 25 only to retire at 62. Which gives us about 37 years. Lets take into factor sleep, on average we will sleep away 33% of our lives. So out of our remaining working hours, we will be working for about a whooping 55% of it. And I believe that for one to excel, to feel some sense of accomplishment, one have to be able identify and like the job that one does. That's my personal belief.

Sundown 2013

Hmm....it didn't turn out as bad as I thought, it was a good night out together. Though its also a little hurtful to my pride cuz she is able to run faster than me, and I seem to be pulling her back. And not bringing handphones to the run, we were able to have really quality time together, it at times feels like just we 2 and thats enough. After the run, chilled at MBS there and massaged her leg for her because of some sprained vein issue which had been long overdue.  Had breakfast together and I was terribly tired, she helped me cut my hotcakes and separate out the food for me. Something that had never happened before. I drove her to try to catch the sun rise, and there is this long stretch of road at changi there, we sang to some 90s song and she slept as well for some time. And I was driving slowly so as not to wake her up...oh how nice if whatever had happened in the past was just only a dream. However, we all knw its not. Anyways, I know that things have changed and its not like the same anymore, but maybe, what else install for us is something that is better than the past. And I think thats a good thought to look forward to.

defenses up

Well then...I met up with her. Used quite a bit of adrenaline and nonchalance to so call keep myself in check. I didn't really smile nor was I damn happy like an energizer battery around her. Just mass lame and trolling jokes. Talk a bit about my new work, asked some questions about the other guy. Half way she said that a bit sianz because of whatever they were messaging and that for some reason leading to an argument. I told her...its not my problem, you ownself should go and settle. She seems happy and she is smiling more, and I think in a way she is genuinely happy to be hanging out with me. Which I think its something that I have not felt when we were together. I asked her whether is she happy now, she says its ok. I was like happy means happy, not means not..she just stutter a bit, but I think she is happy...well at least she is content with whatever she has.

To say the truth, I was not in a very friendly nor cold attitude, its just...I don't know...being totally indifferent. She was like real friendly to me, I am just...yeah oks..I'm cool...kind of attitude. Well at least, I don't have to have all those spectres around me again...Sometimes, u just have to face the issue, rather than think of the possible answers .

After that, I left her at the bus stop since he is going to pick her up and besides, I got a bus back home direct. Rather to talk to zhenni as well, since along the way, but she also emo...so I ended up comforting her...decided to work out to rid of the adrenaline.

But its good. I feel that I had faced and acknowledged the fear/emotions within me for a long time le.

Mash-up

Have you ever wondered about Dreams? Your desires? To ever want or to achieve something? Its not those like " Hey I want a Ferrari." kind if thing or a " I want to be a millionaire!", oks not that show as well. However its more of a deeper desire, the calling or something that will make you lose track of time, and you find the meaning in doing so.

What's mine you may ask? To say the truth, I don't really know. I mean yeah ultimately, I want to be free from financial issues, to have a partner, to stay in a condo or smthg. But I feel that for some reason, there is this feeling of being well kinda lost. And I guess that's pretty normal for a lot of people.

Interestingly, I do have a current goal. And I think its partly due to my younger brother taunting at me. Its something about my fitness and figure. So, maybe that's something that I want to work towards.

You know it just kinda hit me that I am not contented, its like I am not contented to be at home, I want to head out. However, when I am out, I am not contented because I have to spend money. I am not contented because I am alone. Especially when these days weekends are really precious. I am not contented because I cannot travel due again to lack of money. I am not contented because I have to work for money, why must I work/slog to earn those pieces of papers. I read in a lot of new age thinkings about being contentment. Its not like contentment, means not striving for more, but rather its to continue to strive but at the same time, now whatever we have is enough.

And then the next logical step is to start comparing between people, and why some can achieve so much? and yet I am no where near that or that I felt pathetic compared. Ah yes...the ever strangle of comparison. As I was telling Joey yesterday night, yeah these friends are people we can look up to. However, we don't have to be like them or follow their path. As I believe that every one have a role to play on this planet, and to really be happy or successful, is to fulfill that role. Some may be just housewives, some a strong career woman, some just a coffee barista and some are teachers. However, due to current circumstances and societal mindsets/brainwashing, we all veer away from our roles. Definitely, we will not know what's our roles, but I think as long as we make decisions and live our life to what we want, then eventually we will know them. Even so, we will have to work hard to believe in it.

Positivity.
 life may be boring, not going well, hurting, suffering, cold, unfair treatment, humiliation, neglected and being unloved. But I realise that if we are able to just turn around, and smile, life became more bearable and then suddenly a beam of light is shown upon your life. Hopes are rekindled. 

Sorry for the super messy post, as now, my mind is also feeling a little messy. I am like a conundrum of emotions, rationality and quotations. For I am not the same Eugene, most knew me from a year ago. I came to understand more of my limitations, weaknesses and at the same time, I feel that I am more true and I hide less from my friends. I began to appreciate a lot of things in life, as well as, I began to understand a little more about relationships and the intricacies that works between two people. And I began to let go,demand and control less of my life.

“It is never too late or too soon. It is when it is supposed to be.” 
― Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper

Hard work, Hard work and more Hard work

Well depression is indeed contagious, just now went out with longyu because she recently ended a seemingly kinda bad relationship with a les and that she felt terrible inside. She reminded me a lot of what I kept telling Sam and others a couple of months back. The period where rationality is still strong, and the belief that whatever you are doing is right. Kept asking me on how to cope, on this and that. I wanted to tell her some stuffs then I stopped because I felt that she will not hear whatever I said, and I do not want to impede her process in letting go. She kept going on and on, so I just listened and give some random remarks. And then it happened.

Adeline messaged me, and asked me when can we meet up so that I can pass her the race pack for this friday Sundown. I mean I knew that I will have to meet up with her but I guess when something you know its going to happen and when a situation is being played out, its kinda 2 different things. And in the end, the dam of emotions just break upon me, I had to seriously steady myself in front of ly, because I don't want to ended up being a maniac. And so, all the anger, resent, indignant and awkwardness came back to me. My heart rate went up, and I can feel the irrational portion of me taking a stronger hold on my decision making capabilities. It really took me some time and persuasion on my part to tell myself to hold back and take deep breaths. When she wanted to change the dates, I felt anger again..I felt that why are you always like that? and a bit of " Is it cuz of him?"...Again, I restrained myself and accepted the change of dates.

This is not an easy process, there is a lot of hard work needed to be done. To wake up and tell yourself to let go. And when things happen, to tell yourself what you had set out to do. When places we were at, her place which I have to go past everyday to work, to tell yourself that its over and that those are in the past and should never exist ever again in the present. However, this route is something I had chosen and that I am responsible for the emotions and thoughts that I have to undergo. As much as I want to just say " screw it and I am going to disappear away from your life" , but I think I hold on to my principles very strongly.When I gave you my word, I will do my utmost best in it. If I promise you something, by hook or by crook, even at the expense of myself, I will do it. That's my belief in life. And that's something I live by in life.

Of Bells,Bridge and a Road

Just an excerpt,an Image that is being formed in my mind so to enclose all my feelings that I have, I don't want to revisit certain things for I felt that I dwelt too long in them already...And I think friends are getting irritated by it.

As I closed my eyes, the bells from the nearby church tolls overhead, the wind caressing my cheeks as she blew ever slowly. The coldness from the stone bridge touches my skin. Places still remind me of you, too many places have we gone together. For now what is left are just emotions, the memories of us is fading. Regrets are also slowly slipping away, what is left now, I know not. Neither do I care for. You will still remain I know, but maybe nothing more than a blot of ink and a couple of words on a paper called " My Life". What installs for the future, you may ask? I have no answer. All I know is that I am here now, where I was led to by events that came my way. 

Taking a deep breath of the Sicilly River, I opened my eyes. I never lament for meeting you, for all the hurt that I went through, I gained a lot back in return as well. Sometimes loving someone, being the ideal kind, will never get you the love you wanted. I do not questioned logic or questioned god anymore. What is there to question? For the heart is not something that is ruled by logic and sense. I am no Saint, neither I am some ultra good guy that people like to make of me. I am just human like everyone else, its just that I feel that some things have to be done in some way for I feel that its for the best. 

As I exhale and looked at the reflection of me in the slow river, time is moving, my environment have changed. I am back out of my comfort zone again, life challenges me once again with a taunt. I wonder whether the person in the river is really me? The me that I wanted to be, the me where I am now, the me that I believed I have to be. The dissatisfaction with life stems from these roots.

Suddenly, a bird swooped down for his meal, and the person became disfigured by the disturbance. Its all an illusion. The person in front is never someone that I had expected or thought of, that someone is there as a result of disturbance and events. And that person will never be there unless I had looked down into the river. Its a matter of choices and inner strength, to hope and finally to believe. Believe in myself, that I will enjoy the image that I see.

Looking up with a smile, and with the rising sun, the bird flying off into the horizon. Its the start of something, and today will be another day where wonderful things will happen. With that, I trudged off the bridge and onto the Road. Whence it will lead me, I do not know. For life is about being a wanderer, and wherein I find my home to settle, I will know it in due time. For now, its off, off on a journey..to where they ask? To wherever I will have to be. 

Pika-Pika

This is really the SURPRISE of the year for my birthday. Like I told many people, I felt that this year my 25th feels like way much better than 21st, maybe because I learn how to appreciate the things in life. And most of my friends are working, so treats are easier?...I seriously never expect Cat to play with make up and took the time to draw this. Really Gan Dong max...though I have to say...the milo accounts I still reject...lol. It was  fun hanging out with Cat, and brought her on a nature tour..haha... The ADB place at Toby's Estate, is pretty awesome, love the ambience and people watching the expats. Give people the feeling that you are not in Singapore. If she really works in HK, really will miss having her for she is great fun on this island. Though I know Ms Cat like to think she is boring, but she is also quite fun in her own ways. So, don't ever think your self as boring!!! Haha...I am still feeling pretty touched by the pikachu...whenever I looked at it, it brings a smile to my face.